tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-19231375088282347872024-03-13T10:21:36.879-07:00life of the inappropriate tachy mummyLife of the inappropriate tachy mummyLifeoftheinappropriatetachymummy.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08109034469855480350noreply@blogger.comBlogger96125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1923137508828234787.post-56723390567421927242018-03-04T21:14:00.000-08:002018-03-04T21:17:21.936-08:00August Baby ! (I'm having another baby)<div style="background-color: white; color: #454545; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext";"><br /></span><span style="font-family: ".sfuitext";">I had big hopes when I first found out I was pregnant,big hopes to write and document every little detail of this pregnancy, I'd even started thinking that perhaps I could write a funny pregnancy with chronic illness book.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext";">but it didn't happen, I'd get lost in my inner monologue, planning the different chapters and paragraphs but was </span><strike style="font-family: ".sfuitext";">half</strike><span style="font-family: ".sfuitext";"> ( most) of the time to lazy and busy to actually put anything onto paper and well.. lets just say the first trimesters finished which was a bloody tough one with this dodgy ticker of mine but I thought it would still be nice to document it all anyway.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "sfuitext";"><span style="font-size: x-large;">So for this blog post you will need to deal with my wonderful memories and reflections.</span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: "sfuitext";"><br /></span><span style="font-family: ".sfuitext";">4 years ago in February I found out I was pregnant with Kian, he wasn't planned I was on the pill and was just a few weeks into recovery from my 2nd heart ablation but after a good pregnancy up until the 3rd trimester and a long process of induction and labour in November 2014 my perfect little boy was born. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: x-large;">With all the obstacles we faced during my pregnancy with kian because of my heart condition I vowed never to have any more children, I was set in that.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: x-large;">When Kian was born my life turned upside down and dealing with the physical and emotional demands of motherhood was overwhelming tough, I pretty much decided one was all I could handle but over the years lots changed, I learnt how to juggle and balance life with work, my health and of course being a mum and my family became this new improved unit of three but in January last year me and Dougie decided we wanted to try for another baby.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: x-large;">I never thought for a second that I would be the girl who struggled to get pregnant, I just assumed it would happen straight away because why would you assume otherwise ?</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: x-large;">Except every month that passed the disappointment would come because I wasn’t pregnant in those first few months I read that it sometimes takes a few months so we continued trying but nothing.. then I decided to loose weight, joined slimming world attapted a healthier lifestyle surly it will happen now ! </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: x-large;">... but it didn't February March April May June.... 5 dark months the realisation that a second baby might never happen and then it was during the summer that my health problems flared up again and I was in and out of hospital so 'trying' for another baby got put on hold it was at this stage that I started to feel betrayed by my body because it was like it couldn't do anything right, I felt even more bloody disappointed in my body when It reached October and despite trying absolutely everything and loosing over 2 stone in weight I still wasn't pregnant instead the fainting spells were happening more frequently again and I was placed on the waiting list for more heart surgery. Something I also wasn’t prepared for was the jealously I would feel anytime I had to congratulate friends on their pregnancy or when I would run into pregnant woman in the shops because that just reminded me that I wasn’t pregnant but how much I desperately wanted to be. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: x-large;">Then at the start of December it was a rainy Saturday afternoon, I had just left my purse in Sainsbury’s (can you blame baby brain when your 4 weeks pregnant or not?) I went back for my purse, which thankfully had been handed in got home, dumped my bags in the hallway, sat kian in front of the tv and ran into the toilet to pee on a stick. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: x-large;"> At this stage I was only actually one day late but I knew straight away I must be pregnant due to one Oh something’s going on here symptom! I had to keep running to the toilet to pee. A bladder that would really let me know that I must go straight away or I was going to pee myself and for someone who suffers from bladder retention and finds it extremely difficult to pee I knew something wasn’t right, a bladder that well, was clearly trying to let a girl know that there was a baby growing inside there.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: x-large;">Baby Urquhart no 2 was cooking I was pregnant.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: ".sfuitext";">We’re thrilled, but a little bit anxious we wanted to wait before we told Kian but unfortunately we couldn't at 6 weeks I had a scary bleed because of a Subchorionic Hematoma </span><span style="font-family: ".sfuitext";">in my womb which lead to an early scan at the hospital were Kian was with us as the doctor pointed out the Baby and thankfully a heart beat so we had to tell him but he made us proud and kept it a secret from the rest of the world.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: x-large;">Being pregnant is a wonderful miracle but god almighty growing a tiny human is tiring work especially because I’ve had to stop all my heart medication which means I’ve really been struggling with my heart and also the stupid bloody fatigue that brings too.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: x-large;">Although the fast heart rate and the fainting is the most physical toughest thing to cope with by far the biggest hurdle is the loneliness having a chronic illness brings the absolute feeling of being completely alone knowing nothing can be done to help ease the symptoms that right now feel restless,feeling at my worst yet not being able to do a single thing about it either.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: x-large;">But with all that being said seeing our healthy active baby at the 12 week scan after the scare we had at the start of my pregnancy and knowing we could finally let the world in our secret was so bloody wonderful. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: x-large;">Baby Urquhart is set to be a much welcomed addition to our family making his or her appearance in August 2018, it’s been one huge rollercoaster but a rollercoaster I wouldn’t change for the world. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-family: ".sfuitext";">I’m so excited and happy to </span><span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; text-align: center;">finally become a mum of two. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt; text-align: center;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt; text-align: center;"> Find me also</span></div>
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt; text-align: center;"><span style="color: #454545;"> </span><a href="http://www.twitter.com/danielleduffyxo"><span style="color: red;">Twitter</span></a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt; text-align: center;"><span style="color: #454545;"> </span><a href="http://www.instagram/danielleurquhartxox"><span style="color: red;">Instagram</span></a></span><br />
<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt; text-align: center;"><span style="color: #454545;"> </span><a href="http://www.facebook.com/livingwithistuk"><span style="color: red;">Facebook</span></a></span></div>
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Lifeoftheinappropriatetachymummy.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08109034469855480350noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1923137508828234787.post-19360262457861273392017-11-14T10:54:00.000-08:002017-11-14T10:54:05.528-08:00The worlds less sparkly now - Nikki <div style="background-color: white; color: #454545; font-family: ".SF UI Text"; font-size: 12.8px; font-stretch: normal; line-height: normal;">
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">Throughout my heart journey I’ve been blessed to make friends, some I’ve met online, some whilst I’ve been a patient in hospital. </span><span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">The first time time I spoke to Nikki was when she dropped me a message after my second heart ablation failed, I was hurting I was angry at the world, I felt like It was impossible to live life with a heart that couldn’t be fixed.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">'Thank you for requesting to be my friend' she wrote after I sent her friend request on Facebook "I know how it feels" was the message she sent me earlier that day. That message meant more than anything to me, it meant someone in this whole entire world understood what I was going through and suddenly I felt like maybe I could get through this. Nikki had a very magical way of understanding everything, a way to reach you when nobody else could, I didn’t ever get the opportunity to meet her in person but through my phone it was like she was hugging my heart, mending it a little. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">Since the start of my heart troubles I always known that this kind of friendship was special, special because your around someone who understands exactly what your going through, a person you can speak to who can relate, someone you feel safe talking to, who you can vent to when things are tough. T</span><span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">he disadvantage you see them suffering and you know that there’s nothing you can do to help and from the day Nikki messaged me we became great friends and shared the highs and lows our illness brought together. </span><span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;"></span></div>
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<span style="color: red; font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">' friends who understand your tears are more valuable than friends who only know your smile'</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">Having health problems you know there’s a chance things can go downhill and often sadly when you have heart problems it happens, which means as friends you watch each other go through periods of life that are difficult, although Nikki had been through so many ablations and pacemakers along with the horrendous things that come along with having heart rhythm problems she was normal in such an incredible way. She was like me positive, chatty and loved animals. We would message each other about the most heartfelt things to our pets and social life we often joked about being drama queens about how our wide keloid scars looked like slugs in our own strange way to laugh about our situation. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">Nikki was always there bringing my sparkle back so even though it was hard I knew I wasn’t alone, as friends we done it together, by simply being there for each other, that’s how you stay strong. Nikki loved animals she was a true mummy to them and took on the role of mothering me when I needed it the most. We spoke about my heart going downhill again and maybe having a 4th ablation she asked me how I felt about it and if things improved with medication could I live with it but let it effect me and stop me living the life I wanted I said maybe I thought I could tell Nikki in a few weeks that more medication wasn’t an option Because you see Nikki being there for me was the most unselfish thing ever, her heart was getting weaker, she was going for scan But she still continued to be there for me making sure I was fine. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">I messaged her a few days later to say thank you for being my rock, that she was strong and amazing I also told her I hoped her scan went well that she deserved some happiness after everything she had been though. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">When Nikki was there for me each time I knew her heart was a lot worse than mine but I couldn’t imagine her being unwell, I told myself she would be fine, because she always was but she wasn’t, ablation after ablation pacemaker after pacemaker she didn’t get better, her heart constantly fought against her, it was getting weaker. Often we spoke about our future mostly silly things like getting back to work, being aloud to drive again things that were so superficial to others but things that were huge goals to us, whenever I pictured my future the times my heart problems brought sadness Nikki was always there I never once thought she wouldn’t be. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: ".sfuitext"; font-size: 17pt;">She passed away on 21st October my heart feels heavy and I’m beyond sad I wish I could send her a message and get one back, there are things I wish I could speak to her about but now I can’t, when I’m having a bad day and need cheering up my friend is no longer there, my soul feels sad that shes gone. I hope to raise funds for the British Heart Foundation in the future which was a charity close to Nikki's heart and keep her memory alive because she was amazing, At the moment I’m waiting on my next heart ablation and I know this time will be extremely hard as I wouldn’t have Nikki by my side, all i can say is I’m grateful to have learned so much from my heart friend, she inspired me to pick myself up and carry on she reminded me to keep smiling to be kind and brave but most importantly to live life to the full I cannot be more blessed to have had such an extraordinary friend who’s fighting spirit will always hold a special place in my heart, that place in my heart that only Nikki could really understand. </span></div>
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Lifeoftheinappropriatetachymummy.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08109034469855480350noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1923137508828234787.post-18652571302109230642017-10-21T02:39:00.000-07:002017-10-21T02:52:37.781-07:00Body Confidence, love Yourself whatever that means <br />
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Body confidence is a topic that's spoken about often and 5 years ago I had brilliant body confidence, I ate well, was a size 8, didn't have cellulite, stretch marks or a single scar anywhere I was happy healthy and loved my body.<br />
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Then in June 2012 I became unwell that's when things changed. Before I used to have this bubbly personality but my illness brought spells of anxiety and depression, my way of coping with difficult times was to seek refuge in food, I couldn't exercise, I struggled with simple tasks, I also wasn't at my crazy job that left me without food for hours all of sudden the focus wasn't on my body and looking good it was all about my heart, surgery and recovery, Then a few years later I had a baby it was a shock to see how much my body had changed I hated my body and I hated myself.<br />
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There have been entire months since this whole illness journey started were I could barely look at myself in the mirror because the reflection in the mirror was one I no longer recognised, I didn't feel sexy beautiful or attractive. I yearned for my pre illness body, one that could walk for miles without pain, a body that could handle a Saturday night uptown or a marathon shopping trip, one that wasn't so fatigued from walking upstairs or from taking a shower.</div>
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<span style="color: red; text-align: justify;"><em><br /></em></span>
<span style="color: red; text-align: justify;"><em>I would always wear a smile on my face, </em></span><em style="color: red; text-align: justify;">whilst secretly wishing I was invisible</em></div>
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I called myself horrible names, I said I was fat, ugly, disgusting because I believed I was, I thought everyone was judging me, laughing behind my back because I got 'fat' (everyone makes fun of the fat girl don't they ? ) I know its a terrible way to to think but in my head I believed if I was thin and could squeeze into a pair of size 8 jeans it would make everything that was wrong in my life better again<br />
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For me getting a pacemaker marked a whole new chapter in my life and now I'm living a healthier lifestyle and my state of mind is better guess what, my issues with my body are still there as I slowly realised the problem wasn't just with the way my body looked but also with the way it functioned.<br />
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To me a perfect body wasn't just about having that perfect thigh gap it was one that functions to the standards I wanted it too so despite exercising and loosing weight I still have zero confidence in my body and what I mean by that is having heart problems makes my body unpredictable and when you don't have control over your body it makes you feel confident with it, Like you can't trust it so it's still incredibly difficult to love yourself (whatever the hell that's supposed to mean) when your living in a body that's broken and can never be fixed, the scars may fade, times a healer it might get stronger, perhaps even healthier but It will never be whole again.<br />
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<strong><span style="color: red;"><em> I yearned for my pre illness body, one that could walk for miles without pain, </em></span></strong></div>
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<strong><span style="color: red;"><em> a body that could handle a Saturday night uptown or a marathon shopping trip, </em></span></strong></div>
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<strong><span style="color: red;"><em> one that wasn't fatigued from walking upstairs or from taking a shower.</em></span></strong></div>
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But yet despite the fact I feel broken or how sometimes its easier to curl up in a ball and feel depressed over my body because I will never be a size 8 again with a perfect thigh gap like Barbies but neither do mermaids and I'm all about mermaid life these days I still try hard to feel good about my body because despite what our bodies put us through we should all be grateful for them whatever shape, size or problems they have they keep us alive and let us experience life which is why I'm proud of my body and I'm proud of myself for choosing to enjoy life and cake instead of dieting and calorie counting for focusing on being well rather than being skinny because although my body acts like my enemy I'm still thankful for everything it does and it's took me such a long time to appreciate that. I feel like I owe my body an apology for all the horrible words I've spoken, my body has been through so much and all I could do was rail against it for it letting me down time and time again. I guess I mainly just felt abit sad and disappointed in my body for not only failing at being thin but also failing at being healthy.<br />
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Learning to love my body instead of feeling worthless because I'm not healthy has been hard, especially when we live in a world were image and perfection is everything but instead I've decided to look at what my body's been through and what it's giving me, I've grown gave birth and raised a tiny human, my hearts been burnt, prodded damaged and wired yet It still beats in spite of everything and I think that's pretty bloody awesome even with its flaws and dam cellulite.<br />
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So if your having really shitty feelings about your body then trust me I get it feeling unhappy in your own skin happens when you suffer from a chronic illness, its ok to allow yourself to have those feelings but don't let that body shaming devil sitting on your shoulder stop you from enjoying life instead take a second to celebrate your body and all the incredible things it can do most importantly take care of your body, you only get one and just be yourself.<br />
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Lifeoftheinappropriatetachymummy.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08109034469855480350noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1923137508828234787.post-25835270762634798452017-07-10T13:15:00.000-07:002017-07-10T13:15:57.691-07:00How long is too big an age gap ?<br />
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I have never had any regrets about having my first child young, I'm only 26 which means there's no fertility clock ticking to have another baby but the truth is at one point I dreamt of having that "perfect' age gap.<br />
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Just recently I came across an article on 'perfect' age gaps. how this perfect gap forms this lovely sibling bond were they grow up close and learn about the world together which then leads to the happiest of family's but the fact is having a chronic illness means life is full of uncertainty, there's times when illness shakes life up abit, times were you don't have any control or a say over what happens, as much as it kills me to say it there's times when illness dictates your life and there's nothing you can do about it except strap yourself in tightly and let it but sadly it takes unpleasant situations in life for us to truly realise this.<br />
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I'm a firm believer in one child's a lonely child and I've never shied away from explaining I would love another baby in the future despite my health problems, it's our life after all and its me that goes through pregnancy But a funny old thing started happening this year, particularly this year.<br />
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Suddenly times ticking, Kian's getting older, he's starting nursery soon, he's going to be out of nappies before you know it, now's the right time to add a new addition to the family.<br />
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Suddenly, it's going to be too big an age gap.<br />
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Suddenly were going to have to refresh our knowledge about looking after a newborn, suddenly were going to be out of the routine of looking after a baby.<br />
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I have known from a very young age that I wanted a big family, I had always imagined myself with two kids fairly close in age, I've also always been fixated on kids growing up together because that would create this sibling friendship were they grow up close and create precious memories together but a nice gap were its a slight breeze I keep some sanity and its not a complete challenge to get 3 of us out the door on time, in my head it would all be very precise, planned and perfect. I have also known from a young age that having heart problems would make pregnancy extremely difficult and labour would be like a running a marathon, one I've not trained for, one my heart might not cope with. I went through it all with Kian but Kian wasn't planned and the only way to describe a situation like that is going on holiday and your bags get lost in transit you just have to get on and enjoy your holiday with the clothes you have on your back because shit happens and you just have to deal with it ( you do understand I'm not comparing my unplanned pregnancy to luggage right ?) I was pregnant so we dealt with the rubbish that came along with pregnancy and having heart problems until we got our reward at the end.<br />
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But planning it, well its different, your making that decision to put yourself through pregnancy and labour knowing its going to be tough, going back to the luggage would you deliberately choose to leave your suitcase at home and go on holiday with nothing ? You might take stuff out the case but that takes some organisation, planning what outfit you'll wear twice, making sure you've got all the essentials you need and while I desperately want that 'perfect' age gap physically having so many health problems its the whole fear of the unknowing not to mention the amount of planning it takes and I'm not just talking simple terms like having an ovulation app dictate your sex life its having to plan so far ahead making changes left right and centre to nearly every aspect of your life, from stopping medication and treatments that help you lead a normal life to trying out every trick in the book to help lower your blood pressure its simply not as straightforward as removing clothes from a suitcase as much as I wish it was.<br />
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My pregnancy was hard not in a sense I had bad sickness or anything like that in fact none of it was physical, yes my body was carrying and growing a baby, yes my heart problems caused my blood pressure to rock through the roof and I spent most of it trapped inside a hospital room ( waiting on my luggage to finally appear) but strangely my health didn't deteriorate in fact if anything my health improved although it came back with a vengeance when Kian was only a few months old, but its the hard decisions your faced with during pregnancy, I mean having to stopping drugs that help you function because there's no research on them with pregnancy but here's a drug that stunts the baby's growth. I remember reaching 35 weeks going for a scan and hearing that Kian had stopped growing which was so heartbreaking to hear even though we knew that was always likely to happen anyway but nothing can prepare you for when it does happen and something no parent should ever have to go through is having to decide wither to be induced early because the chances of stillbirth are higher or to give your baby that extra chance to grow its life shattering. For me it wasn't a question, being induced and having him small but alive was the choice I made except ironically he stayed put was born late but healthy yet he also didn't grow anymore either despite having the extra few weeks inside which I think truly shows how much of an affect high blood pressure and beta blockers have on an unborn baby.<br />
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And while I don't usually share that detail with just anyone, I have noticed that suddenly me becoming pregnant again has become a major topic this year as kian's 3rd birthday draws closer.<br />
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all the advice of having that perfect age gap I listen to and as more and more people I met during prenatal classes with my first fall pregnant with their second I have become more and more the odd one out , The only one who's not rubbing a bump or sitting at the toddler area with a baby strapped to my front.<br />
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Personally it bothers me not because I wish people would stop giving me their opinion about this perfect age gap but because why does it Matter ? What's really the huge deal with this perfect age gap ?<br />
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<br /><span style="color: red;"> Is it not ok to have an imperfect age gap ? surly it's only imperfect if you let it be</span></h3>
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I don't know why a year ago having another one is too soon your supposed to enjoy your first, before having a second yet suddenly a year on now's the perfect time.<br />
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I love being a mum, love a full house and I do feel some grief that because of my health problems I'm not providing my first born with this 'perfect' gap, were he creates this closeness with another and doesn't grow to resent them but with so many of my friends already on their second even third me and Kian are never far away from a baby a toddler, or a nippy VTech toy and right know that fulfils us and at the end of the day we wave goodbye and were content with the life we have right know as a family of 3 despite everyone giving their opinion on this perfect age gap.<br />
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I don't know why this is , I don't understand because surly not one age gap fits all ? I also didn't know there was an expiration period on having a second surly its up to you to figure out what works best for you and your family but yet here we are too big an age gap but were ok with that regardless of how long that may be so everyone else should be to.<br />
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Lifeoftheinappropriatetachymummy.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08109034469855480350noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1923137508828234787.post-76063970436916338182017-06-22T03:37:00.000-07:002017-06-22T03:38:26.595-07:00When your health declines and there's nothing you can do about it<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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I write this post from hospital, I have been in and out since my last post Firstly thank you so much for all the beautiful, supportive and caring messages I've received on social media I've been feeling sorry for myself and my moods went to pot but your words really brightened my day.<br />
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So after weeks of struggling with retention and a bladder infection I was admitted into hospital for iv antibiotics and fluids to kick the butt of bacteria lurking inside my body. I don't think I have ever felt so unwell, Friday night I was abit off but I put it down to not feeling too well generally and being really exhausted, well by Saturday morning I woke up sweating buckets. The district nurse called a doctor out who both suspected I had an infection, I was giving oral antibiotics but by Sunday morning I was shaking, unable to keep my eyes open and also being violently sick Dougie took one look at me and phoned out of hours who told us to head straight to hospital. <br />
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So I'm still here receiving two different types of antibiotics intravenously to try and knock the infection down to a level were it doesn't need such aggressive treatment, I'm still in a lot of pain and feeling thoroughly exhausted.<br />
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My bloods are showing the levels are dropping which is good, my temperatures slowly coming down along with my heart rate, although I have to admit I'm concerned that I'm still feeling so rubbish despite knowing things are improving but after speaking with the doctor he's told me that's normal and that I won't feel better for a while because of how severe the infection was.<br />
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I have a catheter back in as my bladder went back into acute retention 2 weeks ago, I've cried so many tears over this happening again because I'm gutted it's something I hoped was just a one off but it's not, in fact it's happened twice I'm waiting on an appointment at the clinic to trial without the catheter again but having an infection means it's been delayed because I'm more likely to fail whilst the Infections on going, If the trials not successful then the next step is more tests and also being taught to intermittently self catheterise myself.<br />
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I love when you think you've had the most embarrassing tests known to man, your then told you have to pee out fluid whilst a team of people take images and measure the strength of your bladder the joys Of having bladder problems though !<br />
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But anyway I have something else I want to open up about, I don't even know we're to start with it all but I feel now's a good time.<br />
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For a while my body's been doing things out with my control, things I can't really explain. A condition that's been mentioned a lot which is becoming poison to my ears is multiple sclerosis (Ms) I first heard this back in December from a neurologist after a locum gp noticed I had weakness, along with paralysis and a few weeks later a routine eye test detected I've lost vision in my right eye but he couldn't be 100 percent certain until they done an MRI scan. Having a pacemaker means I can't have one, my leads are compatible but my box isn't. After a long discussion and alot of communication between my cardiologist and the neurologist my cardiologist put the cards on the table that he was happy to change the box, from his point of view it's a simple box change but for me it's not there's the risks, another Scar, the recovery afterwards but also because I've had an infection in the past means my chances of catching another one are higher so with all this considered the neurologist decided to keep me under his care but to leave things as they were and if things changed then we would go down this route But Yesterday this came up again as the urologist wants to send me for one too He feels more tests on my bladder probably aren't going to give answers which is why none are being done at the moment I've been told the thing with ms it can cause relapses and my bladder going into retention could be like a relapse as all the tests I've had so far show my bladders healthy that perhaps my bladders not the problem it's my brain not giving the correct signals to empty.<br />
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Where do I go from here ?<br />
and I honestly don't know, I'm stuck with the question of having to go through more surgery to change the box so I can have the scan and hopefully rule out ms or leave it and see how things go ? something Ive spoken about with Dougie is at what point do you decide now's the right time ? Is there a right time ? At what stage do you leave it till something else happens, something that's another sign of ms but at the same time if it's ms it's not like there's a cure, getting a diagnose isn't going to change or stop everything that's happening to my body, do I wait 10 years till my box needs changed anyway ? I so wanted to feel relieved when they found something wrong with my bladder, because that meant there's still that possibility it's not ms but each time they find nothing I loose that hope.<br />
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People keep telling me to stay positive because there could be a million other reasons to explain why all this is happening and this is true but until it's ruled out it's a shadow hanging over me. I am positive in that I'm surrounded by people I love, who are ready to help me fight when I get weak and tiered they help me stay strong, just because I feel fear doesn't mean I'm not brave, just because I can see the negative doesn't mean I'm not positive, I still choose to see the positives even though I'm surrounded by negatives some days though it's just a little bit harder to find that tiny bit of glimmer... but I will.<br />
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Poor Dougie is dealing with Kian, work and home life as well as my emotional breakdowns I'm so upset about ruining Father's Day and being a burden to him that I'm actually being MORE of a burden stressing about it all <br />
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He brought Kian to see me yesterday after asking if I wanted him to see me like this, I said Yes because at the age of 2 and a half he doesn't understand fully but he understands a lot, he knows I'm sick and I wanted him to know I'm getting better. Seeing him lifted my mood although it was hard to hear him say "no more tears mummy" because it should be me as his mum telling him that, me picking him up when he's fell down not the other way around but hearing that has made me try hard to not cry especially not in front of him but it is Hard I miss him I miss my own bed And I guess I miss my old life, my life before illness took over I guess I've reached this wall we're I've just mentally had enough.<br />
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I know right know these feelings are temporary, it's just a slight blip even if it's a lot bigger than usual I will pull myself together, but there you are I've said it those two words that I've not spoken since last year, those 2 words that recently the doctors are saying a lot and saying them myself makes me so bloody scared.<br />
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- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhoneLifeoftheinappropriatetachymummy.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08109034469855480350noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1923137508828234787.post-31172290189309973172017-04-05T13:09:00.002-07:002017-04-05T13:09:20.005-07:00Another piece of me is broken right now.<br />
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I've shared with you all every high and low from my heart journey in the past 3 years, from tears to joy, fainting to ablations, pacemakers to depression even photos of my scars on my chest But I'm struggling to talk about something that even I Inappropriate Danielle is finding difficult.<br />
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So why is it I'm finding it hard to talk about what I'm going through right now ?<br />
<br />Truthfully I'm embarrassed, my bladders went into retention, it's stopped working on its own.This is really uncomfortable makes toilet trips impossible but the hardest part of it all I'm so desperately sad and embarrassed, I have a catheter and a leg bag because I'm physically unable to go on my own now.<br />
<br />Why this slight bump in my health journey feels so much worse than anything that's happened before I have no idea, I suppose it's because it's personal.<br />
<br />Maybe I'm worried people will laugh, make jokes, perhaps I'm concerned this is too private to talk about on my blog ? But I honestly feel like I need to be brave for others with this in the way I was brave for others with ist.<br />
<br />When I say the words 'I can't pee', out loud, I get a huge lump in my throat, my voice changes tone, my heart flutters and my cheeks beam bright red.<br />
<br />Dougie said to me after we got in the car from the hospital, I don't understand everyone gets the urge to pee and eventually they pee, your bladder can only hold so much before eventually it bursts and you'll go. I felt like I was going to explode but nothing happened, even running the tap leaning desperately forward squeezing for over 10 minutes nothing was happening except pain.<br />
<br />Emotionally it's knocked me I feel nothing but sadness, everyday this tube is inside its slowly absorbing my independence, its draining my happiness I just keep thinking I've had enough health issues to last me a life time surely I catch a break soon,it just feels so unfair.<br />
<br />I'm trying so hard to keep my positive thinking hat on, maintain my happy go lucky attitude but I can sense that my family know it's forced that my smile isn't genuine, my pathetic jokes about the perks of not having to get up to use the bathroom don't ring true. I just can't bring myself to admit that I'm struggling, I don't want to talk about my lazy bladder how its stopped working and how I can't pee on my own.<br />
<br />God this isn't like me normally my family give me a row they tell me you shouldn't share anything that you would be to ashamed to hear read back and normally I have to rack my brain to think of something so it's ridiculous that this has throwing me so much, it's pathetic that I feel shame over a normal body function but guess what I feel shame because something as simple as peeing I can't do on my own right now.<br />
<br />I'm waiting for an emergency appointment to see urology, where I will be giving a scan and a scope to look inside my bladder which will hopefully give some answers, their also going to take the catheter out and see if my bladder will work on its own again, but all I can think about is what if it doesn't ? How long will I need to walk around with a tube inside my bits and a drainage bag attached to my leg for ?<br />
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It's horrible I can't wear anything decent because of the bag, I'm spending everyday in my pyjamas because I'm too embarrassed to go out, I'm so self conscious I know nobody can see it underneath my trousers but I feel like they can, I spend every evening changing the bag over to a bigger one, throughout the day I'm having to drain it , the bladder spasms are painful it's like your body doesn't like having tubes were it wouldn't normally have them and because of the spasms it's causing urine to leak outside the bag this is another reason that's making me scared to go out ,secondly because of that I'm having to wear incontinence pads to control the leaks.<br />
<br />Bladder retention normally happens to older men who have enlarged prostates so why it's happened to me is abit of a mystery but hopefully I get some answers soon. I got my impacted wisdom tooth removed last week which I found to be a traumatic experience and I guess sometimes our body's react to stress and trauma in strange ways.<br />
<br />The thing that makes me want to share this post is that I've learnt bladder retention can effect anyone with or without reason some due to childbirth, medication or cancer, and I'm pretty confident many of them will feel embarrassed and shame like I do but I guess I'm trying to carry my experience like a banner to help others know it's ok to feel this way.<br />
<br />Till I'm able to pee on my own again I'm putting a smile on, trying to get through one day at a time and I'm trying so hard to not let this sadness and embarrassment take over even when it feels like it has the power to do so.<br />
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Hello you lovely bunch its been a while I feel like I owe you all an explanation but before I start I don't really know were I'm going with this blog post or if any of it will make sense I just need a chat I feel like I just need to put pen to paper and write.<br />
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When I first started blogging it was for myself a diary so to speak, a place were I could take all my thoughts and feelings and put them in this small corner, my blog, It became a way to free my mind, free in a sense because they thoughts and emotions were no longer locked inside my brain but instead a page, a page I could open and shut when things became tough with my health. My mind needed freedom because truthfully I didn't know how to cope with the emotional scars my illness brought but through writing I was able to process those things that were happening, things that I found difficult to explain.<br />
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Most of the time I'm hit with inspiration to write even if what I write is rubbish, to me it still means something but recently I haven't had that, before Christmas I had lots of posts drafted up ready to publish but I switched from Mary Poppins to Cruella De Vill, I was in such a bad mood about blogging, I'm talking a full blowing pmt outburst were I sat wondering what am I doing, do I suck at writing, am I making a fool of myself, are people laughing at me criticising my writing thankfully that mood passed and my feelings towards blogging when back to normal.<br />
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The thing is I've always knowing people blog for all sorts of different reasons whither it be to make money, to receive free stuff, or because they love writing , whatever that reason may be, they blogs are all grouped into niches, I've always felt like the black sheep, like I don't really belong anywhere part of me longs for a niche to welcome me with open arms, a group that will encourage and support me to keep on writing but then the other part of me doesn't. I admit I write tiny snippets from all sorts of different niches but I don't want to dedicate my whole blog to one niche because that's not me that's not the reason I started this blog, I know barely anything about blogging truthfully I didn't even know niches excited until a few months ago.<br />
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Back in October when I wrote for Bio-oils scars uncovered campaign I started receiving email's offering me free stuff in return for posts ,I sat for many weeks toing and froing with the whole idea, I started wondering was I missing out since I was refusing to entertain the idea of sponsored posts and brand collaborations. In fact several other bloggers told me I was missing out that I could earn easy cash doing something I love and in return drive more traffic to my blog its a win all round right ? I'm not going to lie writing for Bio- oils campaign drove an overwhelming amount of traffic which was something I hadn't experienced before my inbox full of lovely responses from others showing pictures of scars and a story behind them something I took great comfort in, I wasn't the only one looking in the mirror and feeling shit about my scar battered body but writing about things like vapour pipes and coffee body scrubs just isn't my cup of tea.<br />
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The thing is I don't want to loose sight of why I set up this page I don't want to write content for content sake so I can be accepted in the world of blogging to be welcomed into a niche or to even gain a high rank on Goggle, ( I actually have no clue how any that stuff works btw) it's pretty simple I don't want to get sucked into blogging to make money or to receive free things it's like I've been offered a job promotion I didn't apply for I wrote for the scars uncovered campaign because I love writing about things I'm passionate about its no secret that I hate my scars not just because they look ugly it's a painful reminder of my past but a past I felt could help others, help them accept their scars and even their past. Through that post I was able to vent emotionally how my own scars affected my life and what they meant to me. But I didn't get paid for it I got free bottles of bio oil as a kind of payment for supporting the campaign the rest were sent out as a giveaway to help others come to terms with their ones too.<br />
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For anyone who doesn't know I started this blog 3 years ago the day my second heart ablation failed it sounds crazy I know not many people sit after surgery and think I know life's shit lets write about it but I did. Anyway here I was in hospital staring out the window watching the world go by literally passing me by as I lay in hospital a blubbering snottery mess, I felt like I had no real place in it. All these people were outside, walking, smoking, chatting in little groups putting money into the parking meter I felt like they all had a life a purpose all I had was a shitty diagnose with no hope of a cure, I was grieving over a life I wanted, I was mad, pissed at life words just started flowing It didn't have a reason, it served no purpose I just took every piece of my heart that felt broken and shoved it into words they words eventually became the posts you read here. Weeks and months passed were anything I felt anything I wanted to say I used it as an outlet for my emotions I admit some of the posts I published I'm embarrassed about I've even swayed with the whole idea of hitting delete but I haven't because there all reminders of hard times during my heart journey were I look back and think god I remember that, that was shit and then I move on I move on with a sense of delight because it's in the passed a passed I lived survived and came out the other side 10 times stronger.<br />
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Sometimes mentally I struggle, I just need a little swift kick up the backside my blog gives me that, I find myself reading back just to remind myself how far I've come in a strange way I still find things hard to believe, I still struggle to believe that when I was pregnant I got induced 3 times 3 weeks early and my darling stubborn Kian was still 2 days late because seriously does that even happen ? It did, because it happened to me, happened all because of my shirty Inappropriate heart But someone somewhere might have that same shit luck (if you can call it that baby's are blessings) but they might just land on that page it might be all they need to hear that day just to stop the tears flowing. I know it now makes me laugh.<br />
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Its funny because people say its all about your attitude towards life, you just need to be positive, as cliche as it sounds turn that frown upside down, they'll tell you everything happens for a reason, to be grateful for the life you have because some people have it so much worse but at that point in true Danielle drama style I felt like nobody could be worse, at the age of 22 I was diagnosed with a heart rhythm problem and told there's nothing that can be done they didn't know how to fix it, if they ever could, I was going to spent the rest of my life calling into work sick never having enough money to pay the bills pondering over how crap life is mostly from the floor with my legs propped up higher than my heart but strangely fast forward a year later it became so much worse if only back than I knew that But the thing is I did just that I turned that frown upside down and started writing to help others and I haven't stopped doing that.<br />
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What I didn't realise when I first started blogging was how much it would help others faced with the same condition, through the struggles I shared I was always met with positive comments, words of encouragement, gained 1000 of likes even made new friends. My inbox was and still is always full of lovely messages asking all sorts of advice from ablations to anxiety, pacemakers to pregnancy the list goes on but I love it. It was at this point I realised I could really help others, I could give others all the advice and information I wish I had knowing back then but didn't I'm no heart expert I'm not even a doctor but by sharing the things that happened, the obstacles I came across with having this shitty condition I could give support, the support and shoulder I didn't have but wished I had all those years ago. I've come to love the feeling of writing knowing it can help others going through the same struggles because truthfully I never want anyone to feel like I did 3 years when I started this blog I was a wreck I was alone, scared stuck in this invisible illness bubble were I felt like nobody could understand what it's like to live a life with your heart controlling it day in and day out, in fact the day I was diagnosed I hadn't heard anyone else refer to their heart as Inappropriate.<br />
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What I recently realised was I'm not only helping others but advocating for heart rhythm problems as a whole I have a rare condition that many medical professionals don't understand, some haven't even heard of it I've been on the end of doctors harsh ,rude comments so many times, the end were you start to question are you really sick or just crazy But I've decided the more I write the more awareness that brings and therefore I figured less ignorant individuals in the world.<br />
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However I guess what I'm trying to say is screw fitting in its nice to be different this tiny place on the Internet is an outlet for me it's kind of like therapy when my heart goes haywire, I'm sorry that I'm not sharing beauty hauls or taking perfect food pictures just so I can fit in, if that's what your after you've came to the wrong place. I'm a blogger without a niche. I wear my heart on my sleeve I don't hide anything in real life or on online, I put myself and my blog out there not just abit I fully put it out there for people to judge, criticise , pull apart but to help others, to raise awareness I figured if I don't advocate for my condition who will ? I'm the blogger without an identity, I'm opinionated, but honest I'm not your perfect size woman, or plus size model, I'm a mum with a heart rhythm problem, my mouth is just as inappropriate as my heart is but I'm just me, Danielle <br />
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So here I was sitting last night scrolling through all they emails sending the same reply to them all thank you but no thank you, it was great because suddenly I felt a sense of relief I found myself staring at my laptop missing this blog missing writing and remembering why I started it all in the first place and fitting in isn't one of them.<br />
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<strong><span style="color: red;">Sorry, not sorry that I don't fit in.</span></strong><br />
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Lifeoftheinappropriatetachymummy.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08109034469855480350noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1923137508828234787.post-14765559263914832712016-12-29T13:47:00.002-08:002016-12-30T07:53:13.986-08:00My sweet little boy if only you could understand a kiss can't make everything better<br />
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The long list of words I mutter daily to my 2 year old is incredibly long.<br />
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'I can't it hurts<br />
running away makes mummy very sad<br />
No we can't go upstairs<br />
Stop, Mummy can't keep up<br />
No<br />
Will you just behave<br />
Don't run off mummy cant catch you if a car comes<br />
I need you to slow down'<br />
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'Please slow down little one'<br />
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Since my little boy Kian started to walk the day of his first birthday he well and truly made his entrance in style he came strolling through swaying the unsteadiness in his legs a huge cheesy grin across his face, his first proper steps he was determined to run before he could walk I watched with such delight, a proud mummy moment, yet suddenly out my mouth came the words <br />
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'Please slow down'<br />
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From that day is speed of walking and running grow exactly like he did as a mum I watched and cherished these moments, everytime he ran with a huge smile on his face that brought an even bigger one to mine as he copies Mr Tumbles on the television touching his nose blinking three times jumping high in the air my heart bursts with so much pride,ever fall I kiss the graze on his knee better the tears stop flowing and he replies all gone, his arms and hands reach out to show me it's all gone.<br />
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'Please slow down' were the dreaded words I spoke a lot<br />
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From rushing up and downstairs, running along the street to the park, taking off like Wreck it Ralph in the supermarket his short but able legs always full of energy, his mind always racing with mischief everywhere we go is always full steam ahead even to the toaster in the morning.<br />
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'Please slow down mummy can't keep up'<br />
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Having arthritis in my knee winter and the cold is a huge culprit at making my knee feel worse everything we done in the summer, the long walks to feed the ducks doesn't happen, going to toddler groups I sigh its shut as I secretly stand at the washing machine and cry for telling little white lies, everything on our to do list gets moved to the don't do list shoving him in the pram and walking slowly is now how the eventful shopping trip starts 'bad mummy' he shouts loudly the once happy face replaced with sadness the guilt hits hard eventually I give in.<br />
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'Please slow down' I would still shout trailing at the back passers by shaking their heads moving trolleys to avoid hitting him, physically I cant keep up he's faster than me I sobbed one night I can't do this I can't deal with strangers judging me staring because I let him run wild. He doesn't understand was a phrase I started to hear a lot he's just a baby having fun, learning I would bite my tongue longing for the day he did understand, longing for the day it would all get easier.<br />
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I'm still learning how to approach these moments of mummy 'can't', explain to him why ? how do I tell him that mummy has a bad knee and one day will need a new one, how do I go about telling him mummy has a pacemaker inside her chest ? do I let him feel it ? show him its different to help him understand, do I tell him mummy's a bit like a superhero with a magic battery ? make it sound fun, special, ? every superhero eventually needs a new knee. Yet how can I make out mummy's this amazing superhero yet she cant even walk up a flight of stairs properly let alone pull out webs from her hands and climb up the side of tall buildings, how can I eventually tell him when the time right all batteries run out exactly like the phone he puts on charge to phone daddy at work does, expect its not as simple as plugging mummy into the wall, without him fearing it, without him asking too many questions giving answers that I never want to explain, machines can go wrong like the battery's which leaked in his favourite toy dinosaur, that caused him to cry for days when I told him it was broken and we needed to get a new one but yet its important, its important to me that he understands that mummy's not being bad, boring or grumpy she simply can't, so he learns god forbid something goes wrong he understands it will all be ok with a simple few clicks from a special computer at the hospital a superhero always springs back but even the greatest superheroes need a rest sometimes.<br />
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<h3>
<span style="color: red;">'Everyone has a part of themselves they hide even from those they love the most'</span></h3>
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Kissing his forehead goodnight I sat on the edge of his toy box bad mummy stuck on my brain, I will try little boy, really I will try, to stop being boring, grumpy, I will let you run around free, let you have fun, let you be curious, let you learn, forever I will keep this secret locked inside your eyes tightly shut to protect you from ever knowing that mummy's no superhero she couldn't be any further away from a superhero if she tried, mummy's more like Bambi on ice who most days can barely put one foot in front of the other.<br />
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I promise I will try and never say slow down again, I whispered to him that night because my sweet little boy you will always be quicker than me.<br />
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I admit I'm still adjusting to this accepting he's growing up, accepting it's always going to be a challenge, I'm still learning how to control the fear when he takes off and I can't keep up, god I'm even trying to stop caring what others think when I look like a mum who has no control over her son, I should of knew this day would come but I didn't in the whirlwind of the first year of being a new mum I didn't ever think that far ahead unfortunately there's no textbook with a how to guide on keeping up with toddlers when you have bad knees and a battery powered heart.<br />
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A few days later in an ironic but sad sort of way, waiting for his Nana to pick him up I explained mummy had to see the doctor with her sore knee grabbing his shoes he gave me a little wave his face full of delight and smiles for his afternoon full of adventures with someone who can run and jump, who can do everything he wishes mummy could do but can't, as he went to run off he stopped in his tracks smiled leaned down and kissed my knee all gone he said.<br />
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As he went out the door my heart ached for the wrong reason he did understand in the mind of a 2 year old a kiss makes everything better he had only learned what I had taught him a kiss made his knee better so it should make mummy's better too, its so true he doesn't understand that a kiss cant fix everything but my sweet little kian how I wish you didn't <strong>ever</strong> have to understand a kiss cant always fix everything but sometimes a kiss from the right person is sometimes all you need, I will always keep you believing kissing a sore knee really does make it all gone.<br />
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<a href="http://www.twitter.com/danielleduffyxo"><span style="color: red;">twitter</span></a>Lifeoftheinappropriatetachymummy.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08109034469855480350noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1923137508828234787.post-49530484474227610392016-12-18T13:17:00.000-08:002016-12-18T13:17:24.437-08:00Two Simple tips for an Ist sufferer at Christmas <br />
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Christmas is full of joy and happiness from Christmas parties to Christmas markets,Santa's grotto With his cute little elves and reindeers, the cliche Christmas films that bombard the television, being aloud to eat and drink your body weight in chocolate and mulled wine, Christmas has a special meaning to us all.<br />
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Christmas is just round the corner, Its the one time of year to hang pretty stockings up on the fireplace, tie glittery tinsel around the tree, cook and have your home smelling of mince pies and cinnamon, its officially the most wonderful time of the year, you sit by the fireplace with a mulled wine in your hand, tucking into your pintrest picture gingerbread house as Christmas trees overpower social media, every Channel you flick through plays a Christmas movie, from love and mistletoe, to snow and magic, Kindness and goodwill, These movies show us what Christmas is all about but if you didn't already know, I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this isn't always the case.lets get real me and my husband definitely don't communicate with our hearts even after 5 years of marriage, I live in miserable cold Scotland but I've yet to see a white Christmas, nobody EVER in my street decorates with so many lights that you can see their house from space why ? Because movies aren't real life, they show us high unrealistic expectations about Christmas. Christmas is pretty stressful and overwhelming for the average person so for those living with Inappropriate Sinus Tachycardia or any chronic condition for that matter Christmas adds more stress and worry to our already tachy hearts it pushes our bodies and our ability to cope to a completely different level.<br />
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Christmas to us is a bit like a coin, if we grab our party shoes and head to the Christmas parties, we sure will pay for it later and I'm not just taking a hangover in the morning or an empty purse, if we hit the busy shops for Christmas shopping, its like recovering from minor surgery, the heat from the fire makes you want to lie on the cold floor with your feet above your head or is that just me ? but on the other side of the coin, if we don't do all these things we end up feeling isolated, those closest to you struggle to understand that our fast hearts can't stand in long queues in a hot busy shop or the amount of alcohol and chocolate you 'should' consume since its Christmas sets our hearts off, if we don't make it out to the shops and give that perfect gift or join the secret Santa club a huge pat on the back for being a bah humbug.<br />
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Christmas can bring so much resentment and disappointment that our Christmas isn't quite turning out exctly the way we want it to, exactly like the way it does in movies, Christmas is more daunting than joyful trust me I know. Christmas to me is ultimately about family and laughter giving than receiving being thankful and grateful for everything I have, but since family is such an important thing to me at Christmas and I'm not just talking giving superficial things like gifts, I want to spend it with all of them, give a large chunk of myself to sit round the breakfast and dinner table and unless I cut myself into 4 pieces its never going to happen The pass few years have been spent dividing time between them all rushing back and forth trying to please everyone, Christmas didn't feel special it felt like a chore. This year I decided it was going to be different it wasn't going to feel like a chore because it shouldn't, instead I tried to do everything to make it magical for a 2 year old but I didn't drag my backside to the shops quite the opposite I had to drag my sorry ass' to the doctors followed by the hospital because I've now been stuck in bed suffering from dehydration and an infection with my heart going even more crazy, 'take it easy you don't want to be ill for Christmas' the doctor said I did have to slow down, burning the candle at all ends trying to make Christmas perfect is stupid,health is more important than any Christmas dinner or gift.<br />
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Health is the greatest gift anyone could ask for, a gift that we can give ourselves if we allow the exceptions of what Christmas should be like to fall by the wayside, real life isn't a movie and you just need to remember that, I definitely had to remember that, so its brought me to share, these 2 simple tips it might not cure our health but mentally I hope they help of course just don't forget to spread some Christmas cheer by singing loud for all to hear.<br />
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Your not Nigella Lawson as much as you would like to be<br />
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In a ideal world we all want to be as perfect as Nigella Lawson in our tight red dress presenting the best Christmas dish, washed down with Christmas cup cocktails followed by Nutella cheesecake, My husband has a huge crush on her so the pressures on every year for me to be perfect Nigella but sadly that doesn't always work when you don't have the time strength or energy there's no harm in picking up a turkey from the supermarket or my good old favourite pick up the phone and order a Chinese. In my opinion you don't always need a Christmas dinner to complete Christmas when your surrounded by family and love.<br />
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Give from the heart, it doesn't cost a penny.<br />
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Gifts from the heart are often cherished more,give yourself in ways your able,spend quality time with those you love from the comfort of your own home, those who care will understand and those who don't, don't matter, Christmas is all about kindness isn't it? Even frame a beautiful picture that you know will earn a special place in someone's heart and home if you can't be there in person at least a happy memory will.<br />
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Most importantly no matter how your heart is feeling don't let it ruin your Christmas if you surround yourself with laughter and kindness its a sure way to take your mind off how fast its beating.<br />
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Happy Christmas when It comes ! Xx<br />
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<br />Lifeoftheinappropriatetachymummy.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08109034469855480350noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1923137508828234787.post-53918653851084585582016-11-16T11:57:00.000-08:002016-11-16T11:57:46.419-08:00Trust is like paper once its been crumpled it can't be perfect again<br />
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<span class="mceItemHidden">What's brought me to write this post is I need another operation, god even when I say that word I feel sick, my palms start to sweat, my heart races and I want to cry. As soon as she pulled the <span class="mceItemHidden">x rays</span> up on the screen and asked me to look at them I knew what she was going to say before she even spoke.</span><br />
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<span class="mceItemHidden">The surgery I need is pretty minor, my wisdom <span class="mceItemHidden">tooth is</span> <span class="hiddenSuggestion" pre="tooths ">impacted</span> and stuck in my jaw bone so it's having <span class="hiddenGrammarError" pre="having ">to be</span> surgically removed but my heart problems smacked me in the face, their concerned my heart will go crazy, it beats crazy fast all the time anyway so I guess it wasn't rocket science to figure out, that it's not going to behave during surgery, so I <span class="hiddenGrammarError" pre="I ">have been sent</span> to another hospital miles from home but one were there's doctors who are able to give me medication to knock me out so I'm not aware of the surgery,You would think this oral surgeon would have gained my trust taking all these precautions.</span><br />
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<span class="mceItemHidden">She asked if I get anxious about going to the dentist, I didn't want to act like a big baby so I asked her if there was anyway it could be left, I told her my mind and body don't feel ready for another operation, but the damage has already started, because my wisdom <span class="mceItemHidden">tooth is</span> <span class="hiddenSuggestion" pre="tooths ">impacted</span> its starting to cause tooth decay and it's also starting to rot the healthy tooth next to it so not only does my wisdom tooth need <span class="hiddenGrammarError" pre="need ">to be</span> surgically removed I will also have to go back to the dentist and get root canal treatment on the tooth next to it so leaving it wasn't an option.</span><br />
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<span class="mceItemHidden">As she pointed at the <span class="mceItemHidden">x-ray</span> I was suddenly reminded of everything that went wrong with my heart, the nerve damage I live with everyday, my heart being damaged during my ablation, where my tooth is, its beside a huge nerve so there's a risk of <span class="hiddenSpellError" pre="of ">permanent</span> nerve damage. I find it so hard to trust medical professionals, I don't mean it in a bad <span class="hiddenSuggestion" pre="bad ">sort of</span> way, but I always believed they fixed things, made things better, I find it so difficult to let down my guard and trust everything will be ok, I guess my trust issues stem from everything with my heart. </span><br />
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<span class="mceItemHidden">I do forget all the bad things that happened with my heart but its like my body remembers, it keeps it stuffed away until something triggers it. W<span class="mceItemHidden">hether </span>it be a sound, something I see, a word or a person it awakens me to it all. Right now it's not even about needing an operation, or the pain after its everything that happened in the past, I've built up a wall, a huge defence mechanism to <span class="hiddenSuggestion" pre="to ">ensure</span> trust isn't lost again but needing another operation I'm having to tear that wall down and its something that I'm finding incredibly difficult. truthfully I'm terrified something will go wrong.</span><br />
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<span class="mceItemHidden">Going through so much getting ablation after ablation that didn't work, it changes you, getting a pacemaker it changes you, each tablet changes you, everything that goes <span class="mceItemHidden">wrong</span> it changes you, you lose hope but you start to loose so much trust, you feel like your constantly shoved on the end no matter how much you kick or scream, on the end were you have to put trust in people to fix you, to make you better, we constantly have to let down our guard, put our full trust in others and its scary.</span><br />
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<span class="mceItemHidden">When I got my pacemaker I wasn't crying because of the pain or the <span class="mceItemHidden">experience</span>, I was in tears because I heard 'trust me he's a good cardiologist', I heard that from so many doctors, but yet he couldn't fix mine, he tried 3 times and eventually damaged it, a huge risk that <span class="hiddenGrammarError" pre="that ">was put out there </span>but one you don't think will actually happen, so how can you trust when trusts already been broken.</span><br />
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<span class="mceItemHidden">Trust is something that <span class="mceItemHidden"><span class="hiddenGrammarError" pre="that ">can be</span></span> hard for a lot of us, the other day my friend who's a nurse, ironically she works in a surgical ward she sees people get fixed, get better all the time, sick people put their trust in her everyday but the funny thing is she also needs surgery and over a cuppa she asked me how do I do it ? how do I trust everything will be ok ? how do I manage to put trust in others to look after you? it brought me to notice everyone has trust issues when it comes to our health, when it comes down to trusting doctors to fix you, make you better while you're in a vulnerable state its terrifying.</span><br />
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<span class="mceItemHidden">Trust is like paper once its been crumpled it can't be perfect again but if I've learned anything about having so <span class="mceItemHidden">many</span> operations its just how strong we are as human beings, we DO put our trust in others despite how hard it all is, we dig deep and find the strength and courage within us because we have no choice our body needs this now but we know it wouldn't be forever, most importantly we have to surround ourselves with people who have gained our trust especially when trust is so hard to earn, when you surround yourself with the right people nothing can truly go wrong even when you fear it all will.</span><br />
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<span class="mceItemHidden">As my pre op to make sure am fit for surgery draws closer, (<span class="mceItemHidden">it's the</span> start of December) I'm worrying the actual surgery will be before Christmas. I feel this huge chunk of happiness drain out of me Christmas is a time to celebrate and be close to loved ones and a lot of my Christmases <span class="hiddenGrammarError" pre="Christmases ">have been spent</span> being unwell or recovering from surgery, it was only last year I <span class="hiddenGrammarError" pre="I ">was stuck</span> in bed with an infected pacemaker part of me thought I would be ok this Christmas, I would be able to enjoy it, I didn't think another operation would be on the cards, I'm devastated by it, there's always something else, always something wrong with my body, sometimes it feels like there's not a part of it that's right.</span><br />
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<span class="mceItemHidden">People like me don't get depressed, depression doesn't <span class="mceItemHidden">affect</span> people like me, I'm always smiling, happy, always the first to make a joke out of a bad situation, if you hand me lemons I'm the first to grab a large glass and make a gin and tonic full to the rim, I'm naturally an optimist. </span><br />
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People like me are always 'good thanks' always lending a shoulder for someone else to cry on !<br />
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<span class="mceItemHidden">I remember the first time I opened up to a friend about how I felt how I <span class="mceItemHidden"><span class="hiddenGrammarError" pre="I ">was diagnosed</span></span> with anxiety and depression "how can you be depressed" stab right through the heart she didn't mean it in a nasty way she was asking a simple question she sat glaring waiting for a reply, I couldn't answer. I seem to have everything a husband who loves and cares for me a healthy little boy,<span class="hiddenGrammarError" pre="boy ">who's smile</span> brings so much joy, I have a house, a job I go on nice holidays, I'm surrounded by so many people who love and care about me what more could anyone want ? I GET IT totally. But I didn't have the one thing most people do have I didn't really have good health,my heart doesn't beat properly now it barely bests on its own at all it mentally that hurts. </span><br />
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<span class="mceItemHidden">Money can buy a Ferrari right ? and you can have the luxury of crying in your flashy Ferrari but money doesn't bring you happiness nor does it pay for someone to sit with you and take your hand in the car. As selfish as it may sound I have all these things ( not the Ferrari <span class="mceItemHidden"><span class="hiddenSpellError" pre="Ferrari ">btw</span></span>) but you get the picture was it acceptable <span class="hiddenGrammarError" pre="acceptable ">to be</span> sad, to my friend its like it wasn't, It's like because I had all these things my life wasn't bad enough <span class="hiddenGrammarError" pre="enough ">to be</span> depressing, The worst part was I felt I wasn't as lucky as everyone else I didn't have my health to enjoy all the things I <span class="hiddenGrammarError" pre="I ">was blessed</span> to have, things that do play a huge part in happiness. </span><br />
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<em><span style="color: red;"> ' I have this happy personality and a sad soul in one body. It feels weird sometimes'</span></em> </h4>
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<span class="mceItemHidden">It was like a Pandora's box <span class="mceItemHidden"><span class="hiddenGrammarError" pre="box ">had been opened</span></span> with so <span class="hiddenSuggestion" pre="so ">many different</span> emotions and I didn't know to deal with them I didn't know to deal with sadness, it was an emotion I simply didn't understand. I felt like a burden to everyone around me I felt Like I was draining the life and happiness out of everyone exactly like my condition was doing to me, most days my heart didn't allow me to get up and go to work in the morning like everyone else did It didn't let me just be me, be a mum, I even thought at one stage life would be easier for everyone if I wasn't around if I packed a bag and ran away hopefully the sadness doll in my head wouldn't follow at the back I grow tiered of living in a body that's damaged and <span class="hiddenGrammarError" pre="and ">can't be</span> repaired things I would normally carry in my stride I couldn't anymore, every setback every difficult moment,anything that went wrong it,tore another huge chunk out of my sanity and it's like one day a light <span class="hiddenGrammarError" pre="light ">was switched</span> off my able-bodied legs gave way from underneath me and I fell into complete darkness alone. </span><br />
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With depression I always imagined someone looking sad and miserable someone who lay in bed and cried everyday, someone who if I handed the glass of gin and tonic to, would just see the glass half empty, I basically imagined the doll sadness from the film inside out someone who's smart but yet pessimistic and negative all the time that the best and only thing to do in life is to lie around and cry over everything, That person wasn't me In fact I rarely cried it's like my tear ducts didn't work exactly like my heart didn't, I just felt numb, I didn't lie in bed crying everyday Instead I woke up in the morning just to go back to bed again at night it's like there wasn't any purpose to life. <br />
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<span class="mceItemHidden">When I <span class="mceItemHidden"><span class="hiddenGrammarError" pre="I ">was diagnosed</span></span> with anxiety and depression, I couldn't accept it I didn't believe it, I felt sad but I used to think the sadness I felt was nothing compared to what depression feels like, if what I was feeling was even half of what Depression feels like it's such a horrible lonely place <span class="hiddenGrammarError" pre="place ">to be</span> in but I wasn't depressed , I couldn't imagine what having Depression was like because it doesn't happen to people like me. Part of me even felt ashamed for feeling the way I did but I couldn't find the switch to turn the light back on I didn't even know were to start looking, it just <span class="hiddenSuggestion" pre="just ">sort of</span> became a part of me, a part I didn't really like but I Just had to get along with anyway. I've had people close to me suffer from lots of different mental health issues, I didn't judge them, I just felt compassion towards them I would help them but I just couldn't see myself with depression, how could someone who normally sees all the positives in life just see negatives it's like my rose-tinted glasses had fallen off.</span><br />
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<span class="mceItemHidden">My Nana always used to tell your minds a strong powerful thing and that you shouldn't judge someone else's mind because you never really know what's going on inside it the ironic thing was the first time I <span class="mceItemHidden"><span class="hiddenSuggestion" pre="I ">witnessed</span></span> mental health it was with her, she had bipolar and a few years down the line she <span class="hiddenGrammarError" pre="she ">was diagnosed</span> with dementia, that saying she always told me stuck, it made me compassionate to others who were going through things I didn't understand Especially mental health, you don't judge someones mind when you don't understand what's going on inside it. </span><br />
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<span class="mceItemHidden">Yet here I was comparing the doll sadness from a film linking her to what people depression look and act like. I was so wrong to do that, it took a doctor telling me my sadness was depression she saluted me for holding it together for as long as I did, like I deserved a badge of honour, a badge I felt I didn't deserve to wear, because I still didn't believe my sadness was depression. It took that for me to recognise depression has so <span class="mceItemHidden"><span class="hiddenSuggestion" pre="so ">many different</span></span> faces and forms, mental health can affect anyone it doesn't matter if your fat or thin, rich or poor, it doesn't care if your male or female nothing matters,it is what it is, it strikes without warning and takes over your life, You can't help the way you feel, you can't just snap out of being sad, there's not a happy pill that you can take which instantly lifts your mood so your happy, It takes going to hell first, lying in hells bottomless pit to eventually reach the white cloud up in heaven. </span><br />
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<span class="mceItemHidden">Admitting it wasn't easy nothing is easy about accepting you have a mental health problem nothing was easy about going further down the rabbit hole taking tablets that make you feel worse before they made you feel better but yet admitting it and accepting it was like a release button <span class="mceItemHidden"><span class="hiddenGrammarError" pre="button ">had been pressed</span></span> it finally made me let go, I wasn't dealing with it alone now it was out in the open accepting depression eventually brought true peace because I <span class="hiddenSpellError" pre="I ">seeked</span> helped and was open and honest about how I felt. Sharing all my emotions online with strangers took courage, I feared being judged, because there's so much stigma surrounding mental health.I feared people I know reading because I didn't want people to pity me, that was the furthest thing I wanted,when I felt like I had lost my voice and I couldn't speak writing was my greatest comfort because truthfully I didn't know how to cope with the feeling of sadness, it was an emotion that I simply didn't understand why it had effected me the way it did an emotion that I wanted rid of, I wanted <span class="hiddenSuggestion" pre="wanted ">my own joy</span> doll to come running with open arms and save me from the sadness that had invaded my head. </span><br />
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<span class="mceItemHidden"> As much as I've hesitated over this post, because people will judge it's inevitable but if people like me don't open up about <span class="mceItemHidden"><span class="hiddenGrammarError" pre="about ">the reality of</span></span> mental health the stigma surrounding it will always be the same. One voice is like a small drop in the ocean but all together it creates a huge wave speaking up about depressing has the Power and the ability to change what people think and see.</span><br />
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<span class="mceItemHidden">I always thought it <span class="mceItemHidden">wouldn't affect</span> me, people like me don't get depressed, till it did. Life's likes a bottle the bottle eventually becomes full the lid explodes and sometimes you just need help to start filling it back up again, it's ok to ask for help,it's ok not <span class="hiddenGrammarError" pre="not ">to be</span> ok, it's ok for nobody to understand because you don't understand what's going on in your head either. Keeping it hidden on the inside feels like the safest place for it to stay but actually there's nothing safe about it <span class="mceItemHidden">you just end up feeling like your <span class="mceItemHidden">drowning</span> in sorrow while everyone else is breathing around you.</span></span><br />
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Lifeoftheinappropriatetachymummy.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08109034469855480350noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1923137508828234787.post-26971152800001983082016-10-31T08:49:00.000-07:002016-11-13T06:29:32.892-08:00Forget Drugs face the Chilli Pepper patch,( How i ended up feeling on fire)<br />
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Whenever I told anyone, I'm getting Chilli Pepper patches to help my nerve pain you can imagine the weird looks I was met with, I mean Chilli Pepper to help nerve pain. ? but yep you heard it right, lyrically chilli pepper, it wasn't a case of standing in the hospital while the doctor crushed up chilli from the local supermarket, It came prepared in a small patch (a very hot patch)<br />
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Back in March when my infected pacemaker was removed I've suffered from pain, my cardiologist refered me to see a pain specialist and spoke with a plastic surgeon who both diagnosed the pain I was experiencing as nerve damage, Since then I've been placed on a variety of medication and painkillers to help combat the pain, the huge problem was these drugs are ok to take now, but being young and wanting more children in the future, that kind of threw a spanner in the works. All the medication I'm on isn't safe to take during pregnancy, I also didn't want to be on painkillers long term.<br />
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A few months back I happened to stumble upon the program 'the doctor who gave up drugs' were the doctor in the program Chris van Tulleken stopped patients from talking painkillers and instead tried other methods, part of me felt this huge weight of worry, I was scared that was the route the pain specialist was going to go down, scared of the unknowing, scared of suffering pain and nobody helping me, I could see the pain in the girls eyes in the program knowing exactly how she feels, knowing that must be torture.<br />
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As I swallow Tramadol, Macklemore's new song 'Drug dealer' plays in my head I sing this song at the top of my lungs as I'm hanging up the washing, it's one of they songs that its tune struck a chord but suddenly a horrible feeling hits my stomach , because as much as I like this song he paints a picture of drug abusers but blurs out people like me who have chronic pain people like me who don't want to take pain medication but have no choice, the pains to much, one of the tablets I'm on Gabapentin isn't just one tablet a day it's split up into taking 3 a day and the side effects are nasty, one day as I woke up, for a split second It felt like I was falling, as though the bed I was lying on had disappeared from underneath me or another night, As I woke Dougie in the middle of the night, I told him something was wrong with my body, because the numbness and tingling was horrible, the left side of my body was completely numb, its like my arm and leg weren't attached, the tingling hits me as I sit in the car as I try everything to bring the feeling back to my body, but without them I cannot function, the pain hits me hard, it takes my breath away and I end up crying real snottery tears. When I first met the pain specialist he told me sometimes nerve pain gets better as time goes on,but most of the time it didn't and it was most likely I was going to have this pain for the rest of my life, that was hard to swallow, it took a while for it sink in, he did go down the route I thought he might like Chris the doctor in the program, but instead he mentioned Chilli pepper patches and figured it was worth a try, I didn't have anything to loose, he warned me it was painful and if it didn't work we would cross that path when it came to it, I could still take tablets if need be until the time comes when I want another baby.<br />
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Now I understand your probably reading this and thinking how can Chilli Pepper get rid of nerve pain So I thought I would explain it all here.<br />
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The patches contain the active ingredient Capsaicin which is the natural substance found in red chili peppers which gives them their heat. Capsaicin works by desensitising the sensory receptors found at the end of nerves. When activated by painful stimuli they send nerve signals to the spinal cord and brain that results in the perception of pain, but when capsacin binds to these pain receptors it initially causes a painful burning sensation, but with continued use of capsaicin the pain receptors become overloaded and eventually they desensitise which makes them less responsive to painful stimulation this is what relieves the nerve pain. (<a href="http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/medicines/aches-and-pains/a8755/qutenza-patches-capsaicin/">http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/medicines/aches-and-pains/a8755/qutenza-patches-capsaicin/</a>)<br />
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So I had my first patch placed last Thursday, the patch was placed by a nurse and was to be left in place for an hour, an hours nothing right so I kept telling myself , but it was the longest hour of my life, when she asked if I wanted a cuppa or would I like to go for a wander and come back in an hour,(sooner if I feel the pains to much) which straight away I didn't like the sound of but I figured how sore and hot could one patch be, I mean one small patch would be nothing right, a walk in the park compared to 3 ablations, when it was first placed it didn't feel like anything. Dougie knowing me better than I know myself said we will go for a walk, which I'm so glad we did,slowly I felt the skin under the patch get hotter and hotter until it was burning hot, red and itchy, We walked round the charity shops beside the hospital which took my mind off how much it felt like my skin was on fire, as Dougie pointed out nice dresses, something he never does but I think my facial expression said it all as I was stupidly waving my jacket like a fan over my chest trying to cool it with the cold air. I think if I had sat drinking tea it would of been a completely different story, this is the reason I drag Dougie to appointments like this for that purpose because without him, I would of been crying even more snottery tears and the patch wouldn't have lasted half an hour let alone an hour As we returned back to the hospital the nurse looked at me and said how was it ? your still smiling anyway so it can't be that bad there's still another 10 Min's to go, 10 minutes which I sat on the end of the bed biting my tongue for as she explained to Dougie what the patch does.<br />
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Its still early days to know if they've been successful or not at helping my nerve pain it takes 2 weeks to feel the full effects but fingers and toes crossed it works, the pain's still there although not as bad and the stingy pain that random hits hasn't so its defiantly doing something, if they do work I will have to brave it all again in 12 weeks. It's amazing that there's so much out there that can help pain not just drugs that you don't hear or even know about, I mean I hadn't ever heard of chilli patches.<br />
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If you have nerve pain don't let my experience of the pain put you off, its like having really bad sunburn for 2 days and then it disappears, as much as It hurt I'm definitely going to give it another shot, so if your like me and have nerve damage and pain, ask about chilli pepper patches there worth a go, a pain specialist who specialises in nerve pain is the person to get in touch with who can assess and guide you.<br />
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<br />Lifeoftheinappropriatetachymummy.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08109034469855480350noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1923137508828234787.post-61952919937251594132016-10-16T14:26:00.000-07:002016-10-16T14:43:18.008-07:00Just because others can't see it doesn't mean it's not there<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"></span><br />
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As humans we all seek understanding and empathy to our problems and the obstacles we face. Seeing is believing and when there's nothing to see it's inevitable that most of the time we don't get the understanding we desperately need or want . In the world we live in, people judge us for not meeting what their vision of pain and illness is, our struggles and obstacles no matter how big or small feel invalid because of how subtle they are. Although it shouldn't matter wither people can see them or not,because there still there even if they can't be seen but for some reason it does matter. We feel we need people to understand about our pain and illness because it's a part of who we are.</div>
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When you suffer from chronic pain it means a lot of things change and a lot of the changes that happen are invisible, you feel invisible, it's like your living behind an invisible window isolated from everyone and everything outside of it, the pain you feel is unique and personal, it cannot be seen or measured, there's no textbook or magic wand to make it better, consider yourself part of a secret group one you wished you didn't have to find or join, there's the people in the group who get it and then, there's the ones who don't. the ones who dismiss you as being over dramatic ,lazy even making a mountain out a molehill, it's hard to explain what it's like and it's even harder to imagine especially If you've never experienced it before, even people who have experienced pain in the passed have a hard time remembering, unless there unlucky enough to experience it again.<br />
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Having nerve damage in my chest its painful, it's there everyday but nobody can see the pain its hidden underneath the clothing, clothing that's a challenge to figure out, because as cheesy as it sounds a wardrobe full of clothes but nothing to wear always comes to mind because straps, buttons even wearing a certain bra exacerbates the pain more, others cannot see that dragging yourself out of bed in the morning, is a challenge because every movement hurts, others don't see that sleep is so hard to come by because the pain haunts you, you feel like you've been buried in quicksand and there's nobody there to save you, there's no escape.<br />
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when you suffer from chronic pain you don't want others to feel it or be in your shoes, you don't want them to imagine what it's all like, you just want people to acknowledge and recognise the difficulties you have, you just want to feel valid as a person with those obstacles and difficulties regardless of what is seen and what isn't.<br />
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So here I was sitting in the chair at the hospital waiting to see the pain specialist for a follow up wondering what she would say about my chest pain, the fact that things were improving but now it just feels like I'm taking 1 step forward and 5 back. Would I be hung for not taking my medication how I should or for taking more than I should just to keep things under control would I be shot for not giving the lidocaine patches a chance to numb my chest and work, it kind of feels like your in trouble for not improving.<br />
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Instead she did something I wasn't prepared for when I explained my pain was the still the same, the pain still wakes me up during the night with a pitiful smile she listened and let me carry on talking when I explained how I hate taking all this medication. Because I hate feeling out of control, I sleep but I don't feel like I've slept in days, I feel dead to the world yet I'm alive and awake, the room sways slowly from side to side even though I'm standing completely still, she told me we would go ahead with using chili pepper patches to try and desensitise the nerves, I said ok not knowing what else there's left to try if they don't work.<br />
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What came after I wasn't prepared for, She stopped writing and handed me the information booklet about the patches. as she spoke I felt this huge weight of worry suddenly lift.<br />
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" It's unfair all this happened when it probably didn't happen to anyone else that day, I know it can't be easy being young and having a pacemaker, sort time off work, sort someone to look after the baby, sort someone to be there for you, have a read and call me when your ready there's no rush just as long as your happy"<br />
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Instantly I felt my defence walls crumble, it felt like it had been years since someone did something as simple as recognising I'm a person who is in pain, recognised I'm a mum and a wife who had responsibility's, a young girl that beneath the clothing and smile still felt vulnerable, god she even acknowledge that having a pacemaker at 25 isn't easy it's completely life changing. <br />
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When you live in a society were hardly anyone has empathy and understanding to what they don't physically see validation and recognition doesn't happen often, not only did she validate me and my feelings, she recognised all the obstacles and difficulties that were there , it was like she read every thought that was running through my brain, it's like she was saying she could see them, she could feel how heavy the weight was, she even reminded me I was important I needed look after too, my body was important it needed time to heal.<br />
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It took everything in me not to cry like an idiot it was like suddenly I remembered I am in pain, I do have permanent nerve damage, I am young to have a pacemaker, I'm not dramatic, or lazy I have feelings and my feelings were important, My happiness was important.<br />
In that small 5 minutes she reminded me I'm only human, we're all vulnerable , we all have unique circumstances outwith what we came to the hospital for, it's ok if the rest of the world can't see or understand them because she did.<br />
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She was just doing her job she helps me manage my pain, but she put my feelings of happiness before anything she wouldn't realise how much her words touched me that day, for once I felt my feelings and problems were valid I actually felt happy about the situation because she understood living life like this isn't easy.<br />
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Lifeoftheinappropriatetachymummy.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08109034469855480350noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1923137508828234787.post-60690807285481635662016-09-04T12:04:00.002-07:002016-09-04T12:05:46.538-07:00A small moment to remember your so much more<br />
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Mum guilt we all feel it, it seems to come along brutally as part of motherhood, a phrase that before I had my little boy I would roll my eyes at but it's very much real and next to impossible to get rid of.<br />
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Becoming a mum life becomes a huge jigsaw puzzle trying to slot the pieces back together, trying to place everything back exactly were it was but with a child in tow and when you have a chronic condition that throws obstacles and difficulties from every angle and makes that puzzle even harder. Since I had my little boy Kian a huge piece that I had wanted to place for so long was going back to work.<br />
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<strong><span style="color: red;">Now I realise how selfish that sounds, I would rather work than be with him, but here's the thing, kian's the most important thing in my life but that didn't mean he had to be the only important thing.</span></strong> <br />
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I had so many opportunities to say screw it, my hearts knackered, life's so unfair,every opportunity to give up, my health set me back constantly all that ever came out of trying to work again was that white piece of paper ticked unfit for work and in the passed going back to work didn't last long because my health would just go straight downhill and it became harder each time to go back, the anxiety of another setback became unbearable , but the tears that flowed every time I left the doctors were painful because the truth is work was a huge part of my life before I got sick and an even bigger part of my life before I became a mum, I was also stuck with, how could I set a good example to Kian if I let my problems win, the only example it sets instead is how easy it is to give up, things that are important aren't worth fighting for, and working is such an important factor to me.<br />
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Going back to work when Kian was 18 months old felt like the last piece, after months of setbacks , I finally felt like my life was complete again, I'm far from supernanny but I had work and looking after a toddler going smoothly and my health being the best its ever been since my heart problems started my jigsaw puzzle was complete.....Except being selfish wasn't anywhere to be seen in that complete jigsaw puzzle.<br />
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The thing is returning back to work only made me even more less selfish, Your forced to work have the house tidy, dinner on the table putting everyone and everything before yourself, you ask how everyone else's day has been but nobody ever bothers to ask how your crap day has went.<br />
Even when your unwell as a mum, what does mum do when she's sick, or should I say what doesn't she do ? of course she doesn't put herself first, being a mum its like your automatically programed not to be selfish all the time.<br />
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The sad thing is, I realised I had lost my inner self, I was too busy focusing on getting my health back. so I could work, to busy trying to balance motherhood and work To busy trying to do the mum role perfectly that I got so lost with trying to be a good mum that I wasn't a good wife or friend I wasn't a good me.<br />
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When my husband said to me one Friday night as I reached for the tea cup instead of the wine glass that I was so boring, I actually felt this huge weight of sadness wash over me, I felt sad and guilty that I had lost the fun bubbly me, the person who was the first and last to leave a party now turned down every invite to instead sit with knitting needles and a cuppa, but the thing was deep down I knew she was still there, underneath the yogurt stained T-Shirt, the weeks unwashed hair pinned back, the handbag full of dummies and toy cars she was, the same girl who still dances stupidly around the living room to Steps still done that at most opportunities.<br />
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All mums do feel guilt but having an illness that guilt is amplified ten times more and being a working mum that guilt is amplified hundred times more so when you have an illness and go to work that guilt eats you alive.<br />
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You feel guilty for being a shouty mum, guilty for being unwell, , guilty for hiding your head in the fridge to eat, guilty for wishing you could go back to work and have a hot cuppa and some adult chat, but the thing is now I feel guilty that I'm not a stay at home mum, you always find something no matter how big or small it is to feel guilty about.<br />
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'I need a break', were the words I held back for so long, I feared being judged. Working mums get a break, we get the best of both worlds right? , but that couldn't be more further from the truth. <br />
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As a working mum, it's no fun leaving them for most of the day, its no fun coming home and seeing them peacefully asleep knowing you missed a whole day of their precious little life's, others hearing words and seeing precious milestones and moments. It's also no fun the tears you shed when you walk out the door, you spent most of your day clock watching, as the saying goes a watched kettle never boils, that's how your day is, But here's the thing going to work isn't a personal break, your not going to work for some time out, and when you finish you don't actually clock off, you've just finished one thing that's expected of you, and coming home you've used ever single ounce of energy that's left that you become that shouty tiered mum who's no fun and then you feel guilty for making work be an important part in your life.<br />
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When I say those words 'I need a break' it didn't mean I wanted to put my feet up, or go out for a drink, It didn't mean I wanted to kick back with Netflix and the Game of Thrones box set, it didn't mean I wanted to step back from my responsibility's , it means I wanted to take a moment to feel human again, In days and weeks that are all mould into one, putting everything before yourself you just want a moment to be selfish, when your burning the candle at all ends, trying to do everything ,you just become exhausted from trying to do everything right except you feel like your doing none of the jobs perfectly.<br />
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When I do 'get a break' I don't use it for fun, I don't use it to even hit the gym or go shopping, I don't need a break to unwind, have a party being me on my own instead I find myself lying in a quiet room or I go for a bath but the thing is I sit with my own thoughts were I switch off for a few seconds, without something being expected or wanted from me.<br />
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I do the one thing that I need to do, to work and keep up with the never ending needs of my beautiful Kian, two important things in my life, being a stay at home mum would be easier, I wouldn't risk setbacks, I wouldn't worry constantly if my hearts going to play up, I wouldn't live in fear of having sick days and I wouldn't have so much guilt for leaving him to go to work but that would be giving up a huge part of me that makes me who I am, I worked before being a mum and I worked long before I got sick and I'm more than just a mum, my breaks allow me to recharge those battery's that are on energy saving mode a lot because of my heart.<br />
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I put absolutely all the fuel I have stored in the tank into being a good mum and working from the minute I opened my eyes in the morning till I close them at night there isn't a single second I'm alone with my own thoughts, Where I'm not been needed and were demands are expected of me, not at work, in the shower, or even in the toilet.<br />
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When I say 'I need a break' it's because sometimes you just need a moment to be yourself, to remember who you are, a moment to stop and catch a breath to make a choice for yourself, we need a moment to feel like we still exist as a person, who doesn't just go by the name mum. Because you can't love others when you don't love yourself and to love yourself you sometimes just need a moment to remember who you are.<br />
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I've been to see my lovely cardiologist this week and I'm grinning like a Cheshire cat, because for once it's not been an appointment which has ended up with me being placed on the waiting list for an ablation since 2013.<br />
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When he asked if I've had any blacks out since the last time, I hadn't my heart was still fast but I hadn't blacked out in 4 months the longest I've ever went.<br />
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The honest thing is I've just been getting on with it and ignoring it all, making the most out of a rubbish situation,, I still have dizzy spells especially if I'm standing for a long time, I still notice my heart randomly racing, I still get breathless and have had a few near floor moments but I've managed to lie down before falling down. I've so many times questioned myself why I went ahead with the 3rd ablation and a pacemaker when I knew it wouldn't solve everything, but this is the best I've felt in a long time.<br />
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Another ablation is always an option, but an option for now that's on hold for 2 reasons one being how unfair he thinks it is to put me through another one so soon, also because of how happy I am compared to 6 months ago, but the biggest one because it's most likely going to end up like all the others.<br />
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I know my heart will never be 'normal', I know my hearts never going to be fixed, I've came to understand and accept that.<br />
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Life seemed so hard and unfair at times, happiness and dreams were instead replaced with sadness and isolation, my goals were put on a long waiting list and I didn't know when they would reach the top, if they ever would. For the passed few years I've felt in a vulnerable state, a state that I felt would never pass because it's been present for so long.<br />
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My appointment opened my eyes to again how awareness is important, because like so many effected with this condition your left with very little knowledge , answers and support, awareness brings hope, a reason to not give up, educating others so others don't have to go through what you have. One voice is like a small drop in the ocean but altogether it creates a huge wave. Awareness has the ability to change so many people's lives. <br />
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Although I feel great and I'm on top of the world at the moment I know how quickly that can all change ,I know my next appointment might be different, things might not be the same, but this week I'm feeling even more happy and blessed, and of course I only have one person to thank for all of that my cardiologist.<br />
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Lifeoftheinappropriatetachymummy.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08109034469855480350noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1923137508828234787.post-45998159174273337582016-08-14T12:35:00.000-07:002016-08-14T12:35:02.771-07:00The horrible moment your toddler smacks you in the pacemaker.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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The passed few weeks have been really good, health wise I've been feeling amazing, Then the other day picking up Kian to head out. Being a typical toddler he had a tantrum and smacked me right in the pacemaker with his elbow, I felt an excruciating pain but I didn't really think much of it except it hurt.<br />
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As I sat down to eat dinner that night, picking up my fork I noticed a strange feeling in my chest, a feeling I haven't ever felt before that my pacemaker had moved, it wasn't the nicest feeling and a feeling I found incredibly difficult to explain.<br />
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I haven't really felt my pacemaker before from the outside, so I found it hard to know what it felt like before since I had nothing to compare it to, as I touched it I could feel one side sort of lumpy and bulging and the other side lay flat and smooth.<br />
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As I got up from the sofa I called Dougie were panicked filled me, lifting my top up I told him I think my pacemaker has moved. I spent the next couple of minutes trying to describe to Dougie what it felt like and asked him to feel the bulging lump were he said he couldn't,he doesn't like the whole idea of feeling this battery under my skin, he agreed looking it definitely stuck out at one side more than the other but he couldn't understand how that feels and he definitely couldn't take the pain away.<br />
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Working , meeting friends, having a family meal, I was still in pain and had this horrible feeling in my chest, but I didn't say to anyone because the sad reality is my pacemaker moving doesn't mean anything to anyone, they can't physically see it or know how it feels.<br />
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When Dougie said to me I should maybe phone the clinic and get it checked out, I know my body and I know when something's not right or when I can sit it all out, so I figured it's probably something that can wait till my next appointment and hopefully it's no big deal, but as much as I acted all cool joking that I haven't keeled over yet so it must be fine right ? I still felt this huge weight of worry that I couldn't shift, because deep down I'm worried that it's not ok, worried everything's going to go wrong again, I worry that I'm just getting back into the swing of working, back doing things I loved doing, and it's all going to be took painfully away again, I worry that this is another setback I worry a lot... You can probably tell.<br />
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I didn't tell anyone close to me how worried I actually was, because they would just tell me to stop worrying, but it's easier said than done, they all live by the motto you can't start worrying or stressing over something till its in front of you and as much as this is true, I'm a huge worrier especially when it comes to my heart, because things have never been plain sailing, I always believe you have to think worse case scenario so you can prepare for the worst and anything else is a bonus, hopefully my pacemaker moving isn't a huge big deal.<br />
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Lifeoftheinappropriatetachymummy.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08109034469855480350noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1923137508828234787.post-67329652122106810822016-07-31T08:29:00.002-07:002016-12-04T14:03:03.698-08:00The reality of living with scars, Bio-oils #scarsuncovered campaign<br />
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Throwing on my bikini the image that stared back at me from the tall mirror was something I had tried to avoid daily, In fact since the 3rd of November I had succeeded pretty well. I avoided it in every way possible, by covering up with clothes, avoiding mirrors but now I was confronted by it, all I could see was hate, I hated the three ugly raised scars across my chest, instead of lying by the pool in Italy wearing a bikini I covered up, I was to afraid and embarrassed anyone would notice or comment on my scars.<br />
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Not only do I feel really uncomfortable noticing the outline of the pacemaker and the scars, touching them is out of the question not just because physically they look ugly, mentally it's painful to look at them, it brings back all the horrible memories of every hard painful moment,every life changing decision.<br />
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<em><span style="color: red;">'the hardest part is knowing the scars didn't mean I was fixed they were a small mark but in my eyes a large mark to help me lead a normal life'</span></em></h3>
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Why should I feel embarrassed or ashamed of them and in reality I shouldn't there a huge part of me, each one tells a unique story that represents what I indured and overcome, that without them I wouldn't be were I am today, but when I did finally pluck the courage to show them off I was met with cruel hurtful comments that really hit my self esteem big time.<br />
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<br /><em><span style="color: red;">'Having someone refer to your chest as horrible and a mess it's hard to respond skilfully to that comment when all your eyes do see is a mess and your mind just feels hate'</span></em></h3>
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That scar causes physical and emotional pain everyday for me and I hate to admit this but when it was confirmed I had nerve damage and the pain specialist prescribed me lidocaine patches to help numb the area been giving a huge patch to cover the scars up by a doctor was ideal because it was like I did have an excuse to keep them hidden. It was easy in winter because the cold was an excuse but when the hot weather started to arrive everyone close to me would question why I wont take my jacket off and of course I didn't want to admit to hide my scars, that would lead to so many questions that mentally I felt I couldn't bring myself to answer, I didn't have to lie anymore a doctor had prescribed me a patch which physically eased the pain, which meant mentally I didn't have to look at them, I didn't have to fear others seeing them.<br />
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Even though a few weeks back I witnessed that there are some cruel horrible people out there, there are also kind ones too and this week I was touched with a letter from the wonderful ladies at Pegasus not only did they send me bottles of bio oil and who doesn't love bio oil right ? I practically bathed in the stuff when I was pregnant because yes I feared stretch marks but I had a beautiful baby boy they marks brought me so much joy and happiness so it was like they were irelvent , I could embrace them. The letter enclosed brought me so much comfort because for once I didn't feel alone anymore, there are other woman out there who feel exactly like I do, it was completely normal to feel that hiding they scars under clothes meant they were out of sight out of mind and shockingly that number is more than half the woman out there.<br />
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Bio-oil have started the mission #scarsuncovered as they believe nobody should be made to feel they have to cover up, accepting a scar is an important part of coming to terms with what happened in order to move on. Which is why I am showing off my scars, if I can do anyone can imperfection is individuality after all in a crazy sort of way they scars do actually make me smile because the hurt is over for now.<br />
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Your a solider your scars are your medals so polish them off with bio-oil, and I have 3 free bottles up for grabs so there's no excuses all you have to do is watch the video below and comment below with the answer to this question, </div>
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<strong>What does Laura do at the end of the video ? </strong><br />
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But there's a catch because I would love to see your pictures too so don't forget to upload and #scarsuncovered and join me and many other beautiful ladies on bio-oils amazing campaign, winner will be choosing at random on the 13/8/16<br />
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<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><em><span style="font-size: xx-small;">Products sent to me for the purpose of this post & giveaway by the lovely people at Pegasus</span></em></span></div>
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Lifeoftheinappropriatetachymummy.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08109034469855480350noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1923137508828234787.post-24904330900978242652016-07-14T13:47:00.000-07:002016-07-14T13:47:50.133-07:00'You know you will have this pain for the rest of your life' he said<br />
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As I stared at the 2 sheets of paper My eyes met the question on a score from 1 to 10 what's your pain ? as the doctor called my name I was so grateful he called when he did, it stopped me from having to circle my pain was a 10 because I wouldn't of circled that 10.<br />
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filling in a sheet to describe my pain felt physically difficult for me, I wasn't in a wheelchair or looked in agonizing pain like everyone else did that day in fact the complete opposite I was pulling a toddler on reins who point blank refused to move, how can you circle on that blank human body a scar that is tattooed on your own body? you can't even circle your heart because that blank diagram doesn't even display a heart, maybe I should circled my head instead because was I imagining that the pain was still there, what if I was just a big baby ?<br />
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Since the day I got my pacemaker removed I have suffered with pain, my cardiologist didn't know why, the pacemaker was gone yet I suffered pain everyday , he believed me and was understanding when they salty tears dripped down my face as I told him I couldn't cope with this pain anymore.<br />
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There are mornings I wake up and the pain's not there, there are time's I go to work and its gone, its during these times I question maybe I am just a big baby, but it doesn't last without fail that pain comes back and hits me like a wrecking ball taking my happiness with it and it reminds me I'm not a big baby.<br />
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Sitting in the office with the pain specialist who was now examining my scars and chest, as he grabbed a swab pushing and testing parts asking what it felt like, he confirmed something that had been mentioned before but having someone confirm it makes it suddenly become real, my nerves in my chest were permanently damaged, hearing you know your going to have this pain for the rest of your life makes it even more devastating. I didn't say anything instead I laughed it off but they words were painful, It feels like you've been giving a life sentence and at the age of 25 a very long life sentence knowing i'm going to spent the rest of my life in this pain.<br />
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As he looked at kian he asked if he was my only child, were what followed next made the whole situation even more devastating, if I do want more children they will have to be planned in advance with a plan set up for my pregnancy, and I will have to suffer the pain without medication because the medication would cause extreme abnormalities to a child.<br />
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Having more children is something I have always dreamed of, I'm a huge believer in one child is a lonely child, and growing up with a younger brother we had our fights but we were always joined at the hip, but the thought of being in pain everyday frightens me, would I cope a week let alone a whole year ? Not that another baby is on the cards anytime soon but it was in the future, yet I feel like that future I wanted is slowly getting snatched away from me.<br />
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People keep telling me I shouldn't have another child with the way my health is or that I should be grateful I have a healthy child, because some people can't have any, I'm incredibly grateful that I was giving the greatest gift of a healthy baby boy, but it's my life and my choice and why should I let my health problems stop me. I know people try and say things to help or because they care but you feel like there making a choice for you when it's not there's to make your left feeling angry because its not them that sits through every growth scan, its me, its me that has to make the hard decisions it's me that has to sit while they check the babies heart its me that lies in bed every night hoping and praying everything will be ok.<br />
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I'm trying to be positive but really I want to hide under a duvet with a huge tub of ice cream, I'm devastated all I keep thinking have I not been through enough ? Have I not had my fair share of bad luck ? Does the struggle ever end when will things be ok ? After each of the 5 heart operations I have had in the passed 3 years I always think the pain and heartache will be over but it never is.<br />
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I'm tiered of being in pain tiered of being unwell and tiered of being broken, but I do know I have to plod on with life, as us Scottish lassies would say it will be aw right hen.<br />
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Lifeoftheinappropriatetachymummy.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08109034469855480350noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1923137508828234787.post-17751438983897985292016-07-07T12:20:00.000-07:002016-07-07T12:20:49.164-07:00truth is I really have no bloody clue what am doing as a mum<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwExAOKChYTC_w0DsrUHMMjqNPsV42kOc2unsdu2wCLTe8oyxtpCj29q2ih_0VLwBfPRwmBfmnqaq7tXjL74vDWlHTGIKy4XWoFIYELCeYmOU0y0Wb9tuxiIJucpwiWTuretM2Vvl03i8/s1600/download+%25283%2529.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwExAOKChYTC_w0DsrUHMMjqNPsV42kOc2unsdu2wCLTe8oyxtpCj29q2ih_0VLwBfPRwmBfmnqaq7tXjL74vDWlHTGIKy4XWoFIYELCeYmOU0y0Wb9tuxiIJucpwiWTuretM2Vvl03i8/s1600/download+%25283%2529.jpg" /></a></div>
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I have a smiley happy little boy who is 20 months old from the outside I appear to know what I'm doing. He's always happy smiling , saying ta,. Shares everything and our life in pictures appears like I have motherhood sussed. I have managed to get to this stage and look after another human being which for me is brilliant, it's not resulted in what happened when I had fish, yep I killed them all by over feeding them seriously no joke, I share many pictures on social media of my life as a mum and my beautiful boy and apparently I must give this illusion that I do really do know what am doing.</div>
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Because I receive so many comments and emails off other mums asking for advice, since it appears like I'm some sort of Mary Poppins with my spoon full of sugar or good old super nanny who knows how to handle every shit situation calmly I'm not and truthfully most days I have no clue what the hell am actually doing.<br />
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Nobody does,every day is a school day and everyday is different and I'm learning and figuring it all out like everyone else is , sometimes things go great and I do think maybe I have this shit together but some days things go horribly wrong and on occasions I have left a battlefield and stormed out the front door leaving poor Dougie to deal with a tempered toddler lying face down into the kitchen floor screaming because I wouldn't let him eat the cat food and I considered how much a flight to neverland would cost were I wouldn't need to be a growing up anymore.<br />
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Motherhood is bloody hard work, from teething to temper tantrums, sleepless nights, to them learning to move around, everything becomes so much worse which you didn't think could happen because everyone tells you it gets easier, your home no longer looks like something out a Laura Ashley catalogue, instead it's full of toys , stupid tents and of course we can't forget the nippy vtech cars that seem to randomly sing there stupid tune after you stand on them trying to carry a sleeping child to bed.<br />
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A huge word of advice don't read social media were there's the perfect mum who makes dinner and breakfast every morning from scratch, who's kids are nicely dressed everyday without a mark to be seen, who's child is so advance they're smarter than Stephan Hawkins and that perfect mum's hair is always perfectly washed, a full face of make up as she's skipping to work with her designer handbag placed over her shoulders.<br />
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Honest mums are the best, they will tell you that time they had forget to strap the child in the buggy and they fell out, or the times they fell off the sofa, they will tell you the times were they lost there temper and raised there voice but felt terrible about it and locked there self in the toilet afterwards and cried until they realised the child was standing at the other side of the door laughing and smiling<br />
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They will tell you that they called there child nippy and occasionally wish they had never had children . They will tell you that sausage roll from good old Gregg's with some beans and an apple after it is acceptable.They will tell you the heartache they feel when they loose there cool because sometimes it is hard.<br />
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They will tell you Nobody is a perfect mum they don't have all the answers and being a mums bloody hard work, Honest mums are the best because when they re done being honest about all the shit times you laugh together and then celebrate and talk about all the good times. <br />
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<b><i><span style="color: red;">I've tried and failed at many things in life but I will never stop giving 100% at being the best mum I can be</span></i></b></h2>
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Because motherhood is like anything you will have good and bad days and although its tough and something I say a lot its even tougher when you don't have the best of health but being giving the title mum is the greatest thing in the world and its something I would never change, although I hate to admit it the day I found out I was pregnant I cried my eyes out saying to my husband my life's over which we now laugh about . From the moment I gave birth to Kian and held him I felt like my life had a purpose. As I stared at him for hours as he slept I knew my life had changed forever, that I would forever love and protect him. Watching them grow right before your eyes and develop into there own little character who gives you cuddles and smiles when they see you is just beautiful. as you teach them you see there little minds process all the information, you watch them learn and grow and the pride you feel when you see them achieve is brilliant. As Kian is slowly getting closer to his 2nd birthday I suddenly find myself thinking back to that tiny baby who I cradled in my arms every night and part of me doesn't want to let go of that baby who is now a toddler because when did that happen time really does fly when your having fun. The other week at soft play Kian came walking over to me at the table and he cuddled me tightly, I didn't want to let go I wanted to hold onto that moment because I know eventually it will reach a stage were he's not that little Caterpillar, he will turn into that beautiful butterfly that will eventually fly away and not want to cuddle me like that anymore.<br />
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I love him and I try my best everyday but I still freely admit I have no bloody clue what am doing but what mum can say they have it all sussed not even that perfect mum who hides behind social media acting like she does because 100 percent guaranteed she doesn't have a bloody clue either she's learning like the rest of us.<br />
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Honest mums are the most vital, they stop you going completely insane when you do see they perfect mums and you question if it's maybe just you that actually has no clue not to mention the amazing tricks and tips you can learn from they honest mums who freely admit it's not just you that doesn't have a clue.<br />
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Lifeoftheinappropriatetachymummy.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08109034469855480350noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1923137508828234787.post-28163046352421819422016-06-24T15:05:00.000-07:002016-08-03T02:33:22.120-07:00I know what its like to be afraid <br />
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They say what's for you wouldn't go passed you, I gave it my all or at least I thought I did ,something I was so passionate about but maybe it wasn't meant to be because it did go right passed me.<br />
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A few months back I applied for a job, I didn't tell anyone for the fear of failure, it wasn't just any old job, but a job that meant I would be achieving a huge dream and goal helping and working with others with heart problems, when I received a letter inviting me for an interview I was buzzing with excitement but also stuck with so many worries.<br />
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I had spent weeks questioning was it a good idea ? was I being stupid ? Could I even do it ? Would my health allow me to do it ? Would my health knock me back because of how much time I have had off being sick ? I even hesitated over sending the application, because if I got the job it meant working with the staff who do all my checks and heart scans I felt embarrassed over it, because on some occasions my checks and procedures means your forced to be naked but was it anything to be embarrassed about ? it isn't , I throw all they thoughts to one side and figured if it's meant to be then it's meant to be.<br />
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Sitting in the same corridor I was met with the same faces most of them had treated me at some point except this time was different, I wasn't a sick patient coming for a ECG or a pacemaker check as I walked into the room the lady interviewing knew me she was there through every ablation, that had failed yet I still shook her hand like we hadn't met before, when they asked if I wanted to be showing around, I had been in nearly every room all for different reasons yet all the outcome of my condition, I still said yes ,it was the strangest experience knowing this time it was different, it didn't even feel like an interview because she already knew so much about me because she had asked in the passed about my life, my family and my job.<br />
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I was asked why I would be good at the job ? Were I spoke about my own job and what I have done which meant I could bring experience but suddenly I thought of something I could bring that most people couldn't, I could relate, I know what it's like, I know what it's like to feel frightened and afraid I can put myself in their shoes because I've been there on more than one occasion.<br />
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<strong><span style="color: red;">I know what's it like to feel afraid the main organ in your body that keeps you alive doesn't work properly</span></strong><br />
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When the words "well done out of 67 you made it to our 9" felt like a huge achievement except they words stuck for some reason, as I left the hospital I told my family I didn't think I got the job you get that feeling were you just know<br />
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I was right.<br />
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When the phone rang and the words "don't be dishearted you didn't get the job you probably don't want to hear this but you lost out by 1 point if there was 2 positions you were second and would of got it," and there was "nothing differently you could of done"<br />
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<b><span style="color: red;"><i>'She wanted something else, something different, something more, knowledge excitement perhaps or maybe success in something she had a passion for just not second best'</i></span></b></h3>
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And do you know something when I came off the phone I cried , I gave it everything but that everything wasn't enough a huge dream shattered in 2 small seconds were I questioned what could I have done differently or what do I need to improve on for next time, except I had asked that and the words "nothing", someone just had more experience in that aspect than I had, I still questioned everything afterwords , maybe if I had spoke more or less maybe if I had just gave it more than I already did ,I just didn't sell myself enough I guess, I was also stuck with the embarrassment of I need to go back and face all they staff members as a patient for the rest of my life... Yes the rest of my life because I will never be free from heart checks, and the hardest of it all knowing I was there second choice.<br />
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The only good thing out of it is they asked to keep my number and if the opportunity arises within 3 months they can still offer me the job and I will be first in line to get the position except at this point in time all I see is that fail, did she just say that to make me feel better ? I guess no one knows what the future holds if we did then we would all be up at the shops putting on the lottery and we wouldn't have to work right ?<br />
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Except that's not the case for me my goals and dreams of helping and working with people who have heart problems will always remain the same, it's a huge passion of mine and always will be, it's something I refuse to give up on, despite that fail. I do feel so dishearted right now, but who doesn't ?we all go through stages in our lives were we fail, wither it be an exam, a job, or even something simple like trying to loose weight (my picture says it all I fail at trying to diet all the time because I have no will power). I will take time to work and grow and focus on the life and job I have right now and hope that a new opportunity does arise somewhere at some point, don't get me wrong that lottery win would help out I could live in luxury and do a job because I want to not because I need to, to make ends meet.<br />
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It wasn't meant to be and maybe it will never mean to be? Maybe there's something better waiting just round the corner, but losing out by 1 point hits hard how close you really were, which just makes the whole situation even more upsetting.<br />
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I found comfort in my sadness, it's ok to to cry, a dream will always be a dream unless you go out and get it and I tried but I guess if you keep believing in they dreams and yourself one day it will come true because you can't give up on dreams life's to short to not keep <b><i>believing.</i></b> We all have so much to give despite illnesses knocking us back throughout life <b><i><span style="color: red;"> having the experience being on the other side is something special that not many can give or offer and that's something you cannot gain because it's giving without choice.</span></i></b><br />
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Lifeoftheinappropriatetachymummy.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08109034469855480350noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1923137508828234787.post-34611070760423901672016-06-21T12:31:00.000-07:002016-06-21T12:31:00.572-07:00Life is only what you make of it<br />
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If you were to write on paper what your illness has taken from you, the list would probably be incredibly long even upsetting to stare at it, you grieve how your life used to be, a lot of us go through that stage, I felt nothing but misery in the early days and still to this day I have my low days and days were mentally and physically I feel nothing but sadness looking at how things used to be.<br />
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When your life was spent most days in bed, being housebound because physically you couldn't ,your going out was completely different to others it usual meant going to hospital and your idea of fun was making it through to the sofa to watch a film on Netflix, it's not climbing mountains right ? That unwanted shadow follows you around everywhere and there's never any light at the end of the tunnel.<br />
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Life doesn't feel adventurous,it's always a struggle you risk setbacks you lack the ability to just feel alive and live life on the edge. Fear is an emotion even the bravest of people face at some point in their lives, and fear is something I slowly realised I had to face head on, fear was a huge demon of mine, the fear of a setback, fear of the pain and the whole fear of something going wrong again.<br />
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At one of my worst times with my heart, walking was a challenge, it was physical, physically because I was unable my heart physically wouldn't function how it should, and for the last 2 summers I spent days in hospital feeling like that was how my life was always going to be something so simple I physically couldn't do, the pain of it all stuck fresh in my mind.<br />
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I was always stuck with the "I want to do it " I knew I had to find the mental strength inside, it will always be physical, but I was only making the impossible, impossible by allowing my fear to take Over and for once I had to forget fear and face that problem, it's the only choice I had to make steps to aim for positive progression.<br />
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<b><i><span style="color: red;"> 'Fear has two meanings, forget everything and run, </span></i></b></h2>
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<b><i><span style="color: red;"> or face everything and rise'</span></i></b></h2>
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Nobody chooses to have an illness, nobody would choose for an illness to make them frightened,<br />
Life is only what you make of it,live for yourself,it may feel like you've been giving a life sentence, but it doesn't have to be, your outlook on life by changing that impossible to possible by simply <b><span style="color: red;">trying your best</span></b> that's all anyone can ask for, there's always time to just make the most out of the situation.<br />
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Little steps can appear from just facing and acknowledging it all you will realize they baby steps were an important part in helping you get to were you are in the present, look at your small achievements which in time will turn into your biggest victories always be kind to yourself it's not about winning a race its about finishing, and don't forget to walk before you can run. Who knows maybe one day that 40 minute Mountain walk wouldn't take me nearly 3 hours but for now that's an achievement I'm proud of.<br />
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Lifeoftheinappropriatetachymummy.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08109034469855480350noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1923137508828234787.post-11721924558186000752016-06-01T07:37:00.001-07:002016-06-23T20:51:56.766-07:00Hey supermum you can't be super all the time<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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The day they two lines appear either by chance or choice, it brings so much happiness,and excitement, Your faced with so many new challenges and rewards it will exhaust and enlighten you, its the best job in the world but having a chronic illness that brings even more challenges, along with new highs and lows, no textbook or midwife can prepare you or tell you how to manage and get through some of your darkest days.<br />
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You wouldn't ask for help , you will feel like a failure, you will cry till you have no tears left, you will feel helpless, inadequate, and there will be days were life itself will feel impossible. and who could blame you for feeling like this ?, I can see it in your eyes the struggling and fatigue that is, I'm not judging you I am you or at least I used to be you.<br />
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You will feel guilt like you have never felt before, there is no benefit in self blame, so stop blaming yourself for things that aren't and weren't your fault you didn't ask for life to turn out the way it did, you didn't set out to be a sick mum so get rid of that guilt, Make decisions based on your own set of circumstances, yours is completely different to others, so stop comparing yourself to other mums , no two mothering journeys are the same, exactly like no two children are the same.You will learn you need to stop putting others first and take more time for you, you will learn to let what's supposed to be fall by the wayside, you will learn you need to stop being so hard on yourself and most importantly you will learn the fine balance of caring for yourself whilst caring for others.<br />
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The night feeds, which I found one of the hardest tasks ,you thought you were exhausted before you didn't know the meaning of exhausted till the 4 hour night feeds arrive. you prize yourself away from your bed trying to calm a screaming baby while the bottle cools and they few minutes feel like forever everything is so much worse with very little sleep, you hope and pray to even make it to 5 hours because really that extra hour would help and work wonders, each day you question will this ever get easier ? You would give anything to just have a full nights sleep. all though they times might feel like there never going to end they do end, cherish they moments because they don't last and you will miss and want that special moment of cuddling up on the sofa watching your baby fall asleep in your arms and you will give anything to experience that moment one last time.<br />
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Mums don't get sick leave I'm really sorry to be the one to tell you this you can't call in sick your on the job 24/7 with no breaks you might be lucky enough to get a nap ,but it's hard having eyes on the back of your head all day everyday your days filled with changing endless nappies and clothes yours and there's , fighting through the tiredness ,counting down the hours till bedtime, these days will get easier I promise you they will you find new ways to cope and deal with illness and being a mum it just takes time, its amazing how you learn to manage , as each day passes you do find new ways to cope and balance how you feel while being a mum, Rome wasn't built in a day and if you look at, it from that perspective your on the first step in the right direction to figuring out the balance of motherhood and illness because it all takes time.<br />
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There will be days you will feel Inadequate and helpless and that's ok every mum feels this way from time to time, it doesn't matter if your unable to do things, nobodies perfect, just because you can't do things or be there in ways you had originally planned or hoped doesn't mean the ways you are there, are any less valuable or meaningful,wiping the grazed knees, a cuddle reading a story,saying the words I love you are the most powerful things you can ever do as a mum.<br />
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<em> <span style="color: red;">'There will be so many times you feel like you've failed</span></em></h2>
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<span style="color: red;"> <em> But in the eyes, heart and mind of your child</em></span></h2>
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<em> <span style="color: red;">Your supermum'</span></em></h2>
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Your not and never will be supermum or even mum of the year your human, chances are you wouldn't ask for help or even accept help you will try and be supermum, you will fear being judged help is for the weak,you aren't weak your a mum and a strong mum.<br />
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But you do need help and that's ok let's face it everyone needs help at times, your strength isn't determined by your inability or ability of asking for help, struggling to juggle the balance of caring for yourself as well as others, were you like me and turned down all the help that was offered from friends, Family even doctors and health visitors ? You wanted to do it all on your own why ? What were you trying to prove ? what did you achieve ? Why do we push away help when we really need it ? chances are you wouldn't have achieved anything you will be exactly like me and just ended up suffering more than you had to, did you ever stop and think maybe these people wanted to help ?<br />
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I guess what am trying to tell you is being a mum with a chronic condition, its no walk in the park, but you will find that balance you have to, because its the only choice you have in making the most out of the rubbish situation which is having a bad heart and being a mum.<br />
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The children in your life don't see you as sick mum they just see a mum they need and love, they don't need you to be perfect they just need you, your a supermum in their eyes, but even supermums need help and guess what that's ok.<br />
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Lifeoftheinappropriatetachymummy.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08109034469855480350noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1923137508828234787.post-33537154699330118502016-05-22T08:17:00.000-07:002016-06-25T11:01:18.031-07:00You can let it break you or make you<br />
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Whilst I have been taking into consideration ways to try and stay positive and change my way of thinking we are all human and we all have those days were we feel down and sad for no apparent reason, we digest those moments in our own way. Sometimes it's easy others times it's difficult am finding it difficult at the moment, The drastic feeling of grieving my old life, and the hardest one my lack of ability to separate my heart problems from being me as a person.<br />
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Its only occasionally I break down, as I write this post it's just been one of those weeks, we all have them, we all go through tricky times, Ronan keating once sang a song about life being a roller coaster and as much as I dislike the song he has a point.<br />
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After speaking with my cardiologist, he's now spoke with some plastic surgeons and I have been referred to them, along with an appointment for some pain management and new tablets to try, A routine check up with the nurse turned into having to be seen by the doctor who phoned a few minutes later saying 'am sorry but you have to go to the hospital to get an ECG and chest X-ray', were the doctor at the hospital said the good old favourite my hearts fast go back to my GP who knows my history, and my dermatology appointment resulted in being put on tablets that will make me so sensitive to light even standing at a window will cause me to burn with the added side effect of sickness and all this had happened by Tuesday afternoon. The fatigue from work is just the worst, a phase return only working a couple of hours with days off, but they days off aren't really days off because the days I finish early or are off are spent at hospital appointments so I'm never getting 2 minutes to just recover from the hours I have worked, the smallest of tasks are proving more difficult. I spent the whole of Sunday in bed with a racing heart, I know the moment will pass no matter how bad it feels, it may feel like you will never get through these attacks but eventually I know it stops, you find the strength inside and try your best to ignore it, but that attack left me even more physically and mentally exhausted, and it made it harder knowing I had a busy week ahead and that I wouldn't be able to lie down to it all.<br />
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I constantly find myself reflecting back and grieving how my life used to be, I hate that my heart has robbed the life I had, everything I ever dreamed of doing feels impossible and just the whole ability to be able to function like a normal human being is hard. It's difficult to accept this because I'm only 25 , I constantly find myself looking at others my age and feeling nothing but jealousy , the long 12 hour shifts I used to do each day at work I'm doing 4 hours and a week of that I'm stuck in bed with that little hamster coming out and running round that stupid wheel attached to the cage which is what my heart felt like it was doing, the career I always wanted since as long as I can remember, growing up every Saturday I would sit In front of the TV with Casualty on saying one day I will be a nurse, just seems physically impossible, and it's heart breaking knowing how hard I worked, being so close to doing that nursing course yet never being well enough or able to do it.<br />
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<b><span style="color: red;"><i> I was stuck with the same questions will I ever be able ? Am I happy about the situation ? am I terrified that this will always be my life ? am I worried i'm never going to achieve my goals in life ? Do I realise others are worse off than me ? how can I change my way of thinking ? How can I separate my problems from the life I want to live ? ... i'm stuck I don't know because sometimes it just feels overwhelming </i></span></b><br />
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Although I actually didn't shed a tear, I locked myself in my room and processed all my thoughts, avoiding everyone even my phone , I hate to be babied or pitted, over how I feel, I get angry at myself when I bundle everything up as I know that makes everything worse so I found myself feeling even more angry for hiding it all,because a problem shared is a problem halved but sometimes it's easier to keep it all to yourself because you know it hurts the people close to you because they cant physically do anything to help, when I was at the hospital getting an ECG and a chest x-ray the nurse asked if anyone knew I was here, or with me ? I said yes, even though that was flat lie, but for once I didn't want people worrying or changing plans. I seemed to have lost what I'm normally good at analysing and breaking down the situation even if it is a rubbish one, I just shut myself away from everything, shoving in my iPod and blocking out the world, and my feelings.<br />
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One afternoon Dougie said to me you can either let your heart problems<b><span style="color: red;"> <i>break you or </i></span></b><b><span style="color: red;"><i>make </i></span></b><b><span style="color: red;"><i>you</i></span></b><b><span style="color: red;"><i> </i> </span></b><b><span style="color: red;"> </span></b>were shortly after the words followed "right now it's <span style="color: red;"><b><i>breaking you</i></b></span> I think at this point I did cry, because as much as it gets me I don't think I'm letting it break me, but am I ? But then I figured I'm trying, trying so hard to manage work no matter how exhausted I am, no matter how much work effected my heart that day I stayed and finished my shift, how tired I was mentally from being at the hospital the night before, I still got out of bed early and made it to work the next day, trying so hard to juggle work, hospital appointments,being a mum just trying to live a some what normal life, all at the same time as trying so hard to function like a normal human.<br />
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There are many questions I find unanswered, so many worries,the more I think of all the bad points the harder it feels to cope which makes everything feel so overwhelming, sometimes it's easier to not over think life and just take each day at a time, sometimes I just feel sad that my life is like this, but then I remind myself there is a flip side to this, I'm young enough to still achieve something even if that something isn't what I had planned or dreamed it to be, I'm young enough to find balance even if I need to start over , it's difficult when months and years pass you by in illness, I'm still young enough to build blocks very slowly to find my way.<br />
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I'm trying my best to remain optimistic not necessary forcing myself to be positive over the whole rubbish situation but optimistic that I can still achieve something with my life, find happiness and ways to cope and move on and not how Dougie had put it let it "<span style="color: red;"><b><i>break me </i></b></span>" find a steady balance that I feel I can work with and it's something no doctor or fortune teller can tell you what the future holds, if building blocks slowly will work out or if I need to build my blocks and form a different path to find that balance.<br />
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Although I'm not on the path were I wanted to be at the moment am closer than I was yesterday or even last year and I hope eventually I will find that path were I have a steady balance with life, work and my health that I will be grateful and thankful for. They say things happen for a reason and although at this point I have never found that reason I hope one day I will look back and understand why things turned out the way they did.<br />
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<h2>
<b><span style="color: red;"><i> 'it feels like everyone else is moving on with their lives while i'm stuck here in this hole that I can't climb out of'</i></span></b></h2>
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Life isn't always fair or clear sailing for any of us, I think we all sometimes wish we could run away from our problems especially when everything builds up, a place were problems don't exist, but that isn't possible, we all need to find that balance in life and is finding that balance letting go of how life used to be like because as much as you want it to be like before, its never going to be that way or starting over with new blocks and building that new path that does form balance, they say thing's fall apart so better things fall together is this what's happening ? do I just need to let it fall apart and let it come together how it should ? I know I need to find that balance because its the only choice I have to be happy in a negative situation that is having a damage heart that's never going to get better.<br />
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Lifeoftheinappropriatetachymummy.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08109034469855480350noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1923137508828234787.post-65693190058887242972016-05-14T13:19:00.001-07:002016-06-25T11:01:45.846-07:00Have I gone entirely 'bonkers' <br />
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When you get sick doctors have the answer don't they? You feel unwell you go to the doctor they either know right away what's wrong or you have a test or few done then bingo you have an answer.<br />
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You leave with a brand new shiny diagnosis in your pocket and your doctor fixes it, maybe it's medication, surgery or a simple change of life style but the doctor always has the answer.<br />
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So what happens if your doctor doesn't have an answer, neither does the next one or the next one after that, are you really unwell ? Or have you gone completely mad ?<br />
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Is it in our heads ? Are we being big pathetic babies,? A little over dramatic,? imagining it all,? wimps?<br />
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The way I always seen it , growing up you got sick, you seen a doctor, you got antibiotics, whatever but you got better, but what happens when this doesn't happen ? What happens when doctor after doctor doesn't know or have an answer, self doubt you blame yourself , you start to question everything including your own sanity if the person who should know, doesn't know, the big question you ask yourself is are you truly suffering or is it in your head ? <br />
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<b><span style="color: red;"><i>'There are two types of people in the world ones who blame themselves and ones who blame others for there problems'</i></span></b></h2>
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Over the years since my heart started acting up I met many cardiologists, doctors, even the pain management team as at one point the pain became to unbearable, I was admitted into hospital,they even sent in the specialist who deals with all the infected pacemakers across the whole of Scotland, not only once but twice when they couldn't find a reason for my racing heart.<br />
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Over the years I would lie in bed as my heart raced I would question everything my brain couldn't shut off , maybe it was anxiety, maybe I was just really unfit, maybe I should even loose weight, or was it all in my head ?,the pain from my pacemaker being removed was I being a big wimp, a drama queen maybe I should just get on with it, maybe it wasn't really that bad I just had to man up, maybe it did just need time to heal they do say times a healer don't they ?<br />
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I can tell you 4 years on from when my problems started, if I have a string of good days I still question everything,, my hearts been fine, maybe I am imaging it worse than it is, maybe I'm even clinging onto feeling unwell because I'm afraid of all the things I done before that caused me to faint and made my heart race, the whole fear of it going wrong again. It's all the questions of self doubt mixed in to ... my sick /bonkers brain ?<br />
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Let's face it, we all have those days don't we ?, were we do feel good and question ourselves wither it was trying to find a diagnosis or being in pain , when that little naughty voice whispers "am I making it up ?" ' Am I just a wimp?'<br />
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But it wasn't anxiety, or in my head I wasn't making it all up or crazy I ended up with a pacemaker because my heart just point blank refused to work normal and god I had even questioned myself over needing a pacemaker, maybe the breathless and chest pain from my heart beating to slow wasn't really that bad, maybe I am a drama queen I even searched for another reason to explain the faints because my heart had started to pause.<br />
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But the reality is we all question ourselves in some way or another and we all at times blame our mind, my Nana always taught me your mind is a powerful thing that barely anyone can understand what goes on inside your own mind, so maybe it's normal to feel bonkers but even if you don't know what's wrong that doesn't change the fact that something is wrong even when you come across doctors who don't believe you there not worth worrying over there's always another one out there, somewhere who will listen and take you seriously even if they don't know what's wrong.<br />
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<b><span style="color: red;"><i>'Just because you have good days don't let that horrible whisper in your head tell you that your crazy' </i></span></b></h2>
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When we doubt ourselves it's because we think doctors know everything so when they can't find a reason for our problems you question yourself your brain for that matter, thinking if a doctor doesn't know it mustn't be real, it mustn't be in that big medical book you find lying on their desks because if it was they would know and you would leave with that shiny new diagnosis.<br />
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But if there's anything i learned doctors don't know everything, when I dislocated my knee when I was 20 I ended up with chronic pain afterwards every step bend I made I was in agony MRI scans showed nothing and during one appointment I had a doctor even tell me "maybe it was my hormones making the pain worse" I left sobbing and did question that reason, even though deep down I knew it wasn't but he was a orthopaedic surgeon In fact he was the best knee specialist in Scotland so if he could find nothing wrong then was there anything wrong there couldn't be right ?<br />
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But there was after years of pain, endless sleepless nights and tears shed they decided to look in my knee because I kept appearing back with the same problem no matter how much they didn't believe me I shut off that self doubt because it was real, I wasn't crazy and it definitely wasn't hormones they discovered the positioning of my knee cap was off and had wore away most of the cartilage in my knee which explained everything, so that was proof right there tests don't always show what's wrong and doctors aren't always right.<br />
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We have to learn to trust our bodies and instincts when we know something is wrong, just because they don't know doesn't mean it's not real or happening,<br />
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I was always blessed and really lucky with my heart to have a good cardiologist who never doubted anything instead always looked for the answers and when he didn't know he would ask someone else who would know and eventually I could shout house in bingo because I had an answer, so I always found myself questioning why I feel the need to beat myself up about it all but in my crazy brain I don't know, I guess it's easier to blame your problems on yourself or others.</div>
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Lifeoftheinappropriatetachymummy.comhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08109034469855480350noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1923137508828234787.post-1858675250476010972016-05-07T07:54:00.002-07:002016-06-25T11:02:20.594-07:00Forever the new girl trying to fit in.<br />
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I finally got to experience that Monday morning feeling again, well it was a Wednesday morning, but you get my drift the feeling of having work again. Nervous was an understatement a full 19 months off work having a baby another ablation and 2 pacemakers, I was finally going back, I had achieved what was such a big thing, Something I thought was impossible, a day I never thought was ever going to happen again, months of recovering numerous set backs persuading my own doctor and the hardest one occupational health that I was fit and well enough to return to work. The tears I had shed after every heart breaking moment that sick note was signed 'not fit for work' Was finally in the past locked away in my brain were I happily want to forget that part of my life ever happened , as much as my heart is always going to be a problem and I will have bad days ,and I'm not going to lie I came home after my first shift and god I acted like the world was ending every part of my body ached and I thought I just can't do this as I crashed into bed in a heap, I had only done 4 hours But they 4 hours of standing working were tough I'm such a <strike>granny</strike> scrap that I'm just not used to working it's been so long but I had done it I completed that first shift which is always going to be the hardest.<br />
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<i><span style="color: red;"><b> 'An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards.</b></span></i><br />
<i><span style="color: red;"><b> When life is dragging you back with difficulties, </b></span></i><br />
<i><span style="color: red;"><b> it means it's going to launch you into something great </b></span></i><br />
<i><span style="color: red;"><b> so just focus and keep aiming"</b></span></i></div>
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Over the years at work some people have asked if I'm ok ? Am I feeling better ? or why I'm always off ? And some don't, maybe there too afraid to ask in fear of being too noisy or maybe they don't even notice I guess it's hard it's like when someone dies you never know what to say as saying sorry wouldn't bring that person back, it's not something I talk about at work in fact it's really the opposite when I am well enough to work I do anything to avoid the topic because I like to forget my hearts an issue, but also I don't want to be treated differently, I don't ever drag attention or mention it even on days my heart is acting up as I just want to be like everyone else but also I fear being put in the situation were I feel like I have to explain a big thing for me is telling people because they do treat you different they mean well and it's such a lovely thing knowing that people do care but I don't want people to be over cautious and I definitely don't want to be treated differently.</div>
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One of my biggest worries and something that upsets me the most is the amount of time I have off 'being sick 'were I not only feel frustrated and angry, I always feel like I never fit in, I experience that new girl in a new job feeling time and time again. heading in on my second day I walked in turned around and walked straight back out the door were I said to one of the nurses am in the wrong theatre because as I walked in through the door I looked around and didn't know or recognise anyone so I assumed I was in the wrong place but in actual fact I was in the right place it was just lots of new faces I just hadn't met.<br />
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Being in the same job nearly 8 years working in theatre, granted I think I have been a patient more than I have worked there especially this year and last but my worries and sadness about being the new girl all the time hit me right in the face when I walked in and discovered next to my name on my locker were the words who is this ? I really felt like someone had stuck the knife in and twisted it but basically it just proved The whole thing about being the new girl and I mean really it's just some words but the whole thing about being the new girl slapped me right in the face, maybe the person who wrote it genuinely didn't know who I was, or done it as a laugh and it was supposed to make me smile and they didn't know it would make me feel so bad about the whole situation and properly 100 percent they didn't know me or anything about me including why I was off but I found myself thinking back to every hard moment that had led me to to be off work, how just under a year ago as I lay on the bathroom floor the paramedics tried so hard to get my blood pressure and heart rate back up I watched the monitor slowly dip as my heart just got slower and slower, They gave up trying to help me and made the decision the hospital wasn't far away getting there quickly and phoning the crash team gave me the best chance, my heart was slowly giving up as I lay on the trolley in resus the monitor flashed up 27bpm I felt helpless and scared it was the most strangest feeling I have ever felt felt as I was always used to my heart racing as I grabbed the young doctors hand in fear I asked her not to let go I thought That was it Was this what dying felt like, my whole life swirled round my brain, everything I would never get to see or do and one thing that stuck from that day was I would never get to experience what work is like again. That was the easy part trying to prove that I was well enough and would manage to work again was tough and soul destroying were for that split second on my first day back I thought was it all worth it.</div>
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<i style="color: red;"><b> "Dream believe achieve"</b></i><br />
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But you know something that's ok and I can say that's ok because fitting in being the new kid on the block I'm used to, I<span style="font-family: "helvetica neue light" , , "helvetica" , "arial" , sans-serif;"> did vent scream and shout in my fit of rage as I returned home I got it out my system I let off the steam and moved on as the new girl trying to fit in and of course I have to add the shoeless girl because everything I owned was gone too, it was like I had actually never existed or maybe everyone believed I wouldn't ever come back.</span></div>
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I know what it's like to feel like you don't fit in to be an outsider because of how many times I have wore that T-shirt and I always try to not make people feel that same way because it's the worst feeling and situation you can be placed in being new but forever being the new girl trying to fit, is even harder I'm a big believer in everything happens for a reason and I do truly believe that constantly having that experience of being the new girl and being signed off work will help me grow later in life, I mean when the time comes for me to get a new job, it will be a walk in the park because I'm used to always being the new girl, but it will be so much easier actually being the new girl.<br />
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never <b><i><span style="color: red;">ever</span> </i></b>give up fighting for what you want to achieve in life, anything worth having is never easy and even if it feels impossible just remember life is only 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react so if you truly want to do something you have to leave your comfort zone and just give it your best shot.<br />
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