Hey supermum you can't be super all the time

 The day they two lines appear either by chance or choice, it brings so much happiness,and  excitement, Your faced with so many new challenges and rewards it will exhaust and enlighten you, its the best job in the world but having a chronic illness that brings even more challenges, along with new highs and lows, no textbook or midwife can prepare you or tell you how to manage and get through some of your darkest days.

You wouldn't ask for help  , you will feel like a failure, you will cry till you have no tears left, you will feel helpless, inadequate, and there will be days were life itself will feel impossible. and who could blame you for feeling like this ?, I can see it in your eyes the struggling and fatigue that is, I'm not judging you I am you or at least I used to be you.

You will feel guilt like you have never felt before, there is no benefit in self blame, so stop blaming yourself for things that aren't and weren't your fault you didn't ask for life to turn out the way it did, you didn't set out to be a sick mum so get rid of that guilt, Make decisions based on your own set of circumstances, yours is completely different to others, so stop comparing yourself to other mums , no two mothering journeys are the same, exactly like no two children are the same.You will learn you need to stop putting others first and take more time for you, you will learn to let what's supposed to be fall by the wayside, you will learn you need to stop being so hard on yourself and most importantly you will learn the fine balance of caring for yourself whilst caring for others.

The night feeds, which I found one of the hardest tasks ,you thought you were exhausted before you didn't know the meaning of exhausted till the 4 hour night feeds arrive.  you prize yourself away from your bed trying to calm a screaming baby while the bottle cools and they few minutes feel like forever everything is so much worse with very little sleep, you hope and pray to even make it to 5 hours because really that extra hour would help and work wonders, each day you question will this ever get easier ?  You would give anything to just have a full nights sleep. all though they times might feel like there never going to end they do end, cherish they moments because they don't last and you will miss and want  that special moment of cuddling up on the sofa watching your baby fall asleep in your arms and you will give anything to experience that moment one last time.

Mums don't get sick leave I'm really sorry to be the one  to tell you this you can't call in sick your on the job 24/7 with no breaks you might be lucky enough to get a nap ,but it's hard having eyes on the back of your head all day everyday your days filled with  changing endless nappies and clothes yours and there's , fighting through the tiredness ,counting down the hours till bedtime, these days will get easier I promise you they will you find new ways to cope and deal with illness and being a mum it just takes time, its amazing how you learn to manage , as each day passes you do find new ways to cope and balance how you feel while being a mum, Rome wasn't built in a day and if you look at, it from that perspective your on the first step in the right direction to figuring out the balance of motherhood and illness because it all takes time.

There will be days you will feel Inadequate and helpless and that's ok every mum feels this way from time to time, it doesn't matter if your unable to do things, nobodies perfect, just because you can't do things or be there in ways you had originally planned or hoped doesn't mean the ways you are there, are any less valuable or meaningful,wiping the grazed knees, a cuddle reading a story,saying the words I love you are the most powerful things you can ever do as a mum.

          'There will be so many times you feel like you've failed

                  But in the eyes, heart and mind of your child

                                        Your supermum'

 

Your not and never will be supermum or even mum of the year your human, chances are you wouldn't ask for help or even accept help you will try and be supermum, you will fear being judged  help is for the weak,you aren't weak your a mum and a strong mum.

But you do need help  and that's ok let's face it everyone needs help at times, your strength  isn't determined by your inability or ability of asking for help, struggling to juggle the  balance of caring for yourself as well as others, were you like me and turned down all the help that was offered from friends, Family even doctors and health visitors ? You wanted to do it all on your own why ? What were you trying to prove ? what did you achieve ? Why do we push away help when we really need it ? chances are you wouldn't have achieved anything you will be exactly like me and just ended up suffering more than you had to, did you ever stop and think maybe these people wanted to help ?

I guess what am trying to tell you is being a mum with a chronic condition, its no walk in the park, but you will find that balance you have to, because its the only choice you have in making the most out of the rubbish situation which is having a  bad heart and being a mum.

 The children in your life don't see you as sick mum they just see a mum they need and love, they don't need you to be perfect they just need you, your a  supermum in their eyes, but even supermums need help and guess what that's ok.

                                                      
                                                  

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You can let it break you or make you

                                           

Whilst I have been taking into consideration ways to try and stay positive and change my way of thinking we are all human and we all have those days were we feel down and sad for no apparent reason, we digest those moments in our own way. Sometimes it's easy others times it's difficult am finding it difficult at the moment, The drastic feeling of grieving my old life, and the hardest one my lack of ability to separate my heart problems from being me as a person.

Its only occasionally I break down, as I write this post it's just been one of those weeks, we all have them, we all go through tricky times, Ronan keating once sang a song about life being a roller coaster and as much as I dislike the song he has a point.

After speaking with my cardiologist, he's now spoke with some plastic surgeons and I have been referred to them, along with an appointment for some pain management and new tablets to try, A routine check up with the nurse turned into having to be seen by the doctor who phoned a few minutes later saying 'am sorry but you have to go to the hospital to get an ECG and chest X-ray', were the doctor at the hospital said the good old favourite my hearts fast go back to my GP who knows my history, and my dermatology appointment resulted in being put on tablets that will make me so sensitive to light even standing at a window will cause me to burn with the added side effect of sickness and all this had happened by Tuesday afternoon. The fatigue from work is just the worst, a phase return only working a couple of hours with days off, but they days off aren't really days off because the days I finish early or are off are spent at hospital appointments so I'm never getting 2 minutes to just recover from the hours I have worked,  the smallest of tasks are proving more difficult. I spent the whole of Sunday in bed with a racing heart, I know the moment will pass  no matter how bad it feels, it may feel like you will never get through these attacks but eventually I know it stops, you find the strength inside and try your best to ignore it,  but that attack left me even more physically and mentally exhausted, and it made it harder knowing I had a busy week ahead and  that I wouldn't be able to lie down to it all.

I constantly find myself reflecting back and grieving how my life used to be, I hate that my heart has robbed the life I had, everything I ever dreamed of doing feels impossible and just the whole ability to be able to function like a normal human being is hard. It's difficult to accept this because I'm only 25 , I constantly find myself looking at others my age and feeling nothing but jealousy , the long 12 hour shifts I used to do each day at work I'm doing 4 hours and a week of that I'm stuck in bed with that little hamster coming  out and running round that stupid wheel attached to the cage which is what my heart felt like it was doing, the career I always wanted since as long as I can remember, growing up every Saturday I would sit In front of the TV with Casualty on saying one day I will be a nurse, just seems physically  impossible, and it's heart breaking knowing how hard I worked, being so close to doing that nursing course yet never being well enough or able to do it.

 I was stuck with the same questions  will I ever be able ?  Am I happy about the situation ? am I terrified that this will always be my life ? am I worried i'm never going to achieve my goals in life ? Do I realise others are worse off than me ? how can I change my way of thinking ? How can I separate my problems from the life I want to live ?  ... i'm stuck I don't know because sometimes it just feels overwhelming 

Although I actually didn't shed a tear, I locked myself in my room and processed all my thoughts, avoiding everyone even my phone , I hate to be babied or pitted, over how I feel,  I get angry at myself when I bundle everything up as I know that makes everything worse so I found myself feeling even more angry for hiding it all,because a problem shared is a problem halved but sometimes it's easier to keep it all to yourself because you know it hurts the people close to you because they cant physically do anything to help,  when I was at the hospital getting an ECG and a chest x-ray the nurse asked if anyone knew I was here, or with me ? I said yes, even though that was flat lie, but for once I didn't want people worrying or changing plans. I seemed to have lost what I'm normally good at analysing and breaking down the situation even if it is a rubbish one, I just shut myself away from everything, shoving in my iPod and blocking out the world, and my feelings.

One afternoon Dougie said to me you can either let your heart problems break you or make you   were shortly after the words followed "right now it's breaking you I think at this point I did cry, because as much as it gets me I don't think I'm letting it break me, but am I ? But then I figured I'm trying, trying so hard to manage work no matter how exhausted I am, no matter how much work effected my heart that day I stayed and finished my shift, how tired I was mentally from being at the hospital the night before, I still got out of bed early and made it to work the next day, trying so hard to juggle work, hospital appointments,being a mum just trying to live a some what normal life, all at the same time as trying so hard to function like a normal human.

There are many questions I find unanswered, so many worries,the more I think of all the bad points the harder it feels to cope which makes everything feel so overwhelming, sometimes it's easier to not over think life and just take each day at a time, sometimes I just feel sad that my life is like this, but then I remind myself there is a flip side to this, I'm young enough to still achieve something even if that something isn't what I had planned or dreamed it to be, I'm young enough to find balance even if I need to start over , it's difficult when months and years pass you by in illness, I'm still young enough to build blocks very slowly to find my way.


I'm trying my best to remain optimistic not necessary forcing myself to be positive over the whole rubbish situation but optimistic that I can still achieve something with my life, find happiness and ways to cope and move on and not how Dougie had put it let it "break me " find a steady balance that I feel I can work with and it's something no doctor or fortune teller can tell you what the future holds, if building blocks slowly will work out or if I need to build my blocks and form a different path to find that balance.

Although I'm not on the path were I wanted to be at the moment am closer than I was yesterday or even last year and I hope eventually I will find that path were I have a steady balance with life, work and my health that I will be grateful and thankful for. They say things happen for a reason and although at this point I have never found that reason I hope one day I will look back and understand why things turned out the way they did.

 'it feels like everyone else is moving on with their lives while i'm stuck here in this hole that I can't climb out of'

Life isn't always fair or clear sailing for any of us, I think we all sometimes wish we could run away from our problems especially when everything builds up, a place were problems don't exist, but that isn't possible, we all need to find that balance in life and is finding that balance letting go of how life used to be like because as much as you want it to be like before, its never going to be that way or  starting over with new blocks and building that new path that does form balance, they say thing's fall apart so better things fall together is this what's happening ? do  I just need to let it fall apart and let it come together how it should ? I know I need to find that balance because its the only choice I have to be happy in a negative situation that is having a damage heart that's never going to get better.

                                                         

                                                             

                                                 

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Have I gone entirely 'bonkers'

                                                 

 When you get sick doctors have the answer don't they? You feel unwell you go to the doctor they either know right away what's wrong or you have a test or few done then bingo you have an answer.

You leave with a brand new shiny diagnosis in your pocket and your doctor fixes it, maybe it's medication, surgery or a simple change of life style  but the doctor always has the answer.

So what happens if your doctor doesn't have an answer, neither does the next one or the next one after that, are you really unwell ? Or have you gone completely mad ?

Is it in our heads ? Are we being big pathetic babies,?  A little over dramatic,?  imagining it all,? wimps?

The way I always seen it , growing up you got sick, you seen a doctor,  you got antibiotics, whatever but you got better, but what happens when this doesn't happen ? What happens when doctor after doctor doesn't know or have an answer,  self doubt you blame yourself , you start to question everything including your own sanity if the person who should know, doesn't know, the big question you ask yourself is are you truly suffering or is it in your head ?

'There are two types of people in the world ones who blame themselves and ones who  blame others for there problems'

Over the years since my heart started acting up I met many cardiologists, doctors, even the pain management team as at one point the pain became to unbearable, I was admitted into hospital,they even sent in the specialist who deals with all the infected pacemakers across the whole of Scotland, not only once but twice when they couldn't find a reason for my racing heart.

Over the years I would lie in bed as my heart raced I would question everything my brain couldn't shut off , maybe it was anxiety, maybe I was just really unfit, maybe I should even loose weight, or was it all in my head ?,the pain from my pacemaker being removed was I being a big wimp, a drama queen maybe I should just get on with it, maybe it wasn't really that bad I just had to man up, maybe it did just need time to heal they do say   times a healer don't they ?

 I can tell you 4 years on from when my problems started, if I have a string of good days I still question everything,, my hearts been fine, maybe I am imaging it worse than it is, maybe I'm even clinging onto feeling unwell  because  I'm afraid of all the things  I done before that caused me to faint and made my heart race, the whole fear of it going wrong again. It's all the questions of self doubt mixed in to ... my sick /bonkers brain ?

Let's face it, we all have those days don't we ?, were we do feel good and question ourselves wither it was trying to find a diagnosis or being in pain , when that little naughty voice whispers "am I making it up ?" ' Am I just a wimp?'

But it wasn't anxiety, or in my head I wasn't making it all up or crazy I ended up with a pacemaker because my heart just point blank refused  to work normal and god I had even questioned myself over needing a pacemaker, maybe the breathless and chest pain from my heart beating to slow wasn't really that bad, maybe I am a drama queen I even searched for another reason to explain the faints because my heart had started to pause.

But the reality is we all question ourselves in some way or another and we all at times blame our mind, my Nana always taught me your mind is a powerful thing that barely anyone can understand what goes on inside your own mind, so maybe it's normal to feel bonkers but even if you don't know what's wrong that doesn't change the fact that something is wrong even when you come across doctors who don't believe you there not worth worrying over there's always another one out there, somewhere who will listen and take you seriously even if they don't know what's wrong.

'Just because you have good days don't let that horrible whisper in your head tell you that your crazy' 

When we doubt ourselves it's  because we think doctors know everything so when they can't find a reason for our problems you question yourself your brain for that matter, thinking  if a doctor doesn't know it mustn't be real, it mustn't be in that big medical book you find lying on their desks because if it was they would know and you would leave with that shiny new diagnosis.

But if there's anything i learned doctors don't know everything, when I dislocated my knee when I was 20 I ended up with chronic pain afterwards every step bend I made I was in agony MRI scans showed nothing and during one appointment I had a doctor even  tell me "maybe it was my hormones making the pain worse" I left sobbing and did question that reason, even though deep down I knew it wasn't but he was a orthopaedic surgeon In fact he was the best knee specialist in Scotland so if he could find nothing wrong then was there anything wrong there couldn't be right ?

But there was after years of pain, endless sleepless nights and tears shed they decided to look in my knee because I kept appearing back with the same problem no matter how much they didn't believe me I shut off that self doubt because it was real, I wasn't crazy and it definitely wasn't hormones they discovered the positioning of my knee cap was off and had wore away most of the cartilage in my knee which explained everything, so that was proof  right there tests don't always show what's wrong and doctors aren't always right.

We have to learn to trust our bodies and instincts when we know something is wrong, just because they don't know doesn't mean it's not real or happening,


I was always blessed and really lucky with my heart to have a good cardiologist who never doubted anything instead always looked for the answers and when he didn't know he would ask someone else who would know and eventually I could shout house in bingo because I had an answer, so I always found myself questioning why I feel the need to beat myself up about it all but in my crazy brain I don't know, I guess it's easier to blame your problems on yourself or others.

                                             

,

.

                                                            
                                                                       

                                                             

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Forever the new girl trying to fit in.

I finally got to experience that Monday morning feeling again, well it was a Wednesday morning,   but you get my drift the feeling of having work again. Nervous was an understatement a full 19 months off work having a baby another ablation and 2 pacemakers, I was finally going back, I had achieved what was such a big thing,  Something I thought was impossible, a day I never thought was ever going to happen again, months of recovering numerous set backs persuading my own doctor and the hardest one occupational health that I was fit and well enough to return to work. The tears I had shed after every heart breaking moment that sick note was signed 'not fit for work' Was finally in the past locked away in my brain were I happily want to forget that part of my life ever happened , as much as my heart is always going to be a problem and  I will have bad days ,and  I'm not going to lie I came home after my first shift and god I acted like the world was ending every part of my body ached and I thought I just can't do this as I crashed into bed in a heap,  I had only done 4 hours But they 4 hours of standing working were tough I'm such a granny scrap that I'm just not used to working it's been so long but I had done it I completed that first shift which is always going to be the hardest.

                                   'An arrow can only be shot by pulling it backwards.
                                  When life is dragging you back with  difficulties, 
                               it means it's going to launch you into something great 
                                                  so just focus and keep aiming"

 Over the years at work some people have asked if I'm ok ? Am I feeling better ? or why I'm always off ? And some don't, maybe there too afraid to ask in fear of being too noisy or maybe they don't even notice I guess  it's hard  it's like when someone dies you never know what to say as saying sorry wouldn't bring that person back, it's not something I talk about at work in fact it's really the opposite when I am well enough to work I do anything to avoid the topic because I like to forget my hearts an issue, but also I don't want to be treated differently, I don't ever drag attention or mention it even on days my heart is acting up as I just want to be like everyone else but also I fear being put in the situation were I feel like I have to explain  a big thing for me is telling people because they do treat you different they mean well and it's such a lovely thing knowing that people do care but I don't want people to be over cautious and I definitely don't want to be treated differently.

One of my biggest worries  and something that upsets me the most is the amount of time I have off 'being sick 'were I not only feel frustrated and angry, I always feel like I never fit in, I experience  that new girl in a new job feeling time and time again. heading in on my second day I walked in turned around and walked straight back out the door were I said to one of the nurses am in the wrong theatre because as I walked in through the door I looked around and didn't know or recognise anyone so I assumed I was in the wrong place but in actual fact I was in the right place it was just lots of new faces I just hadn't met.

Being in the same job nearly 8 years working in theatre, granted I  think I have been a patient more than I have worked there especially this year and last but my worries and sadness about being the new girl  all the time hit me right in the face when I walked in and discovered next to my name on my locker were the words who is this ? I really felt like someone had stuck the knife in and twisted it but basically it  just proved The whole thing about being the new girl and I mean really it's just some words but the whole thing about being the new girl slapped me right in the face, maybe the person who wrote it genuinely didn't know who I was, or done it as a laugh and it was supposed to make me smile and they didn't know it would make me feel so bad  about the whole situation  and properly 100 percent they didn't know me or anything about me including why I was off but I found myself thinking back to every hard moment that had led me to to be off work, how just under a year ago as I lay on the bathroom floor the paramedics tried so hard to get my blood pressure and heart rate back up I watched the monitor slowly dip as my heart just got slower and slower, They gave up trying to help me and made the decision the hospital wasn't far away getting there quickly and phoning the crash team gave me the best chance, my heart was slowly giving up as I lay on the trolley in resus the monitor flashed up 27bpm I felt helpless and scared it was the most strangest feeling I have ever felt felt  as I was always used to my heart racing as I grabbed the young doctors hand in fear I  asked her not to let go I thought That was it Was this what dying felt like,  my whole life swirled round my brain, everything I would never get to see or do and one thing that stuck from that day was I would never get to experience what work is like again. That was the easy part trying to prove that I was well enough and would manage to work again was tough and soul destroying  were for that split second on my first day back I thought was it all worth it.

                                                         "Dream believe achieve"

But you know something that's ok and I can say that's ok because fitting in being the new kid on the block I'm used to, I did vent scream and shout in my fit of rage as I returned home  I got it out my system I let off the steam and moved on as the new girl trying to fit in and of course I have to add the shoeless girl because everything I owned was gone too, it was like I had actually never existed or maybe everyone believed I wouldn't ever come back.

I know what it's like to feel like you don't fit in to be an outsider because of how many times I have wore that T-shirt and I always try to not make people feel that same way because it's the worst feeling and situation you can be placed in being new but forever being the  new girl trying to fit, is even harder I'm a big believer in everything happens for a reason and I do truly believe that constantly having that experience of being the new girl and being signed off work will help me grow later in life, I mean when the time comes for me to get a new job, it will be a walk in the park because I'm used to always being the new girl, but it will be so much easier actually being the new girl.


 never ever give up fighting for what you want to achieve in life, anything worth having is never easy and even if it feels impossible just remember life is only 10% what happens to us and 90% how we react so if you truly want to do something you have to leave your comfort zone and just give it your best shot.

                                                               

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When nobody gets it

Last  week had been a really good week for me, when I say good I actually mean bloody brilliant, I was managing simple things that a few weeks ago I struggled to do,  tidying the house, hanging out the washing taking a walk along the beach with Kian to watch the aeroplanes landing, typical Scottish weather it didn't go to plan , my perfect picture for Instagram of sun sea and my little mini Dougie, was a huge fail it started off sunny and then snowing all at the same time , hiding in the cafe with a well deserved cuppa and a piece of Nutella cake, I finally felt  like I was getting my sparkle back no more negative grumpy Debbie downer Danielle.  I finally felt like I had found my positive pants and I was wearing them proud , going to the pacemaker clinic and finally feeling like everything was starting to turn from negative to positive no more bad news, yep my heart appeared to have got even more lazy and my heart function had decreased and I was relying on this little battery, ticking over more, but I felt blessed, I felt the best I had felt in a long time,I finally felt that one step closer to making it back to work, one step closer to achieving things I felt were impossible a few months back closer to just being like the old me ,and having that glimpse of feeling well and healthy was just amazing, I clearly had forgetting what being well felt like because it had been so long.

Getting up on Monday morning I woke up up with the worst cold, now the colds just the cold right ? Everyone gets it take all the cold remedies sweat it out in a bath, lie in bed drinking fluids etc but when your  heart is sensitive to nearly every single cold remedy out there it's just not as simple. Do u see were am going with this? If u have a shitty heart like me that's sensitive to nearly anything that makes your heart work faster including getting a bug, a virus an infection even just 'that cold' then you will know exactly what am about to say because you will know exactly what it's like, it's not "just the cold " when your heart doesn't work properly your heart and health take a huge hit.

I tried to ignore it I really did, I tried to not complain and moan about having the cold because let's get real it is just the cold and as much as I felt like I was dying I wasn't and it was "just the cold", carrying on my day as normal and with a hyper toddler who also had the full blown cold and was just as grumpy as me because he obviously felt just as shit as I did.

Oh god getting on with 'just the cold'  was hard, but thankfully kian you were amazing and had a 3 hour nap on Monday , I really thank you for this,giving mum some well deserved time to lie and sulk on the sofa with a hot water bottle and paracetamol  before we took a walk to the shops to get things for dinner.

Now if you've heard of the spoon theory by Christine Miserandino, Using spoons and having none left  not going to bore everyone to death with the whole spoonie theory but basically ,  I had been trying to be superwoman all week  getting on with it all, not lying down to it refusing to admit how bad I felt simply telling everyone I had 'a cold'  but by Thursday I was wiped out and feeling even worse than I had been, I had clearly exhausted and used all my spoons up and didn't have a spare spoon left,  Maybe I should of used my spoons more wisely and not pushed and got on with it like normal people do because I guess as much as I would love to just get a cold and get over it like everyone else does it's not as simple when you have a rubbish immune system and your heart doesn't function how it should, and that cold that I had not been  complaining about, well Saturday morning resulted in a trip to the out of hours because 'that cold' was pleurisy and my heart had started to struggle, the little horse had come out to play and galloped away making me sufferer even more than I had been.

But the frustrating part of it all I spent the whole week trying to explain to family and friends yes it's "just the cold," but the cold makes my already rubbish heart ten times worse, were none of them seemed to get it," just get on with it, it's just the cold,"or a favourite "stop being a drama queen  " now maybe I should of said to people how bad things actually were, but I don't because I rarely admit how bad things are poor Dougie did try to understand and he seen how hard it all was for me, as each day passed I didn't get better and couldn't just get on with it  like everyone else does as he came home on Thursday, he knew I now needed my bed, as much as he laughs and calls me a drama queen he sees how much it effects my heart he knows me better than I know myself and what had been "just a cold" I was now  feeling unwell with my heart. but I guess it is hard to fully understand  when you haven't been there and don't no what that  is like, being completely wiped out and unable to leave bed because your heart is working overtime so much it leaves you feeling even more unwell than you already did.

Again it created that  whole barrier of you look fine the whole invisible illness striking because you can't physically see the pain or how unwell I felt or how my damaged heart is taking a huge hit.

It made me realise I can try to ignore it not be so negative think of it like everyone else it's "just the cold," and the cruel words rephrase that ignorant words 'just get on with it' , I had been doing exactly that the chest pain and breathless I had struggled with the whole week I had ignored  it all thinking it's just my bad heart having a bad week, I had cancelled plans let friends down I did just carry on at my own slow pace, I didn't say to anyone moan or complain because the sad truth is like Dougie as much as everyone cares and  wants to help there's nothing anyone can do or say to stop my heart going haywire when I catch colds bugs and this time pleurisy  Whilst they do care telling them doesn't make them get it or understand.

Sometimes its better to keep silent than to tell others what you feel because it hurts badly when you come to know that they can hear but can not understand

You can't fully understand until you've been there yourself,
So the next time I say 'I just have a cold' don't question me don't tell me to get on with it I'm already doing exactly that ,just that I'm  not sharing and moaning about how bad things actually are because you wouldn't get it or understand what that is like and I know that must be hard.

                                                           Love and Hugs

                                                   
                                                           

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Dear younger me

Dear younger self

You think you know everything and what life is all about, at this time your imagining that when your 24 going onto 25 that you will still be doing they handstands and cartwheels you loved to do and by now you  would have a shelf full of  gold metals next to the ones you earned when you were younger all that training, hard work pushing yourself and your body further than it could go, to be able to do the splits without it hurting and watching the TV at the same time was a huge achievement, your coach always used to tell you the Chinese gymnasts you are so jealous of that you watch on TV are so good, because they push themselves to be better, so you pushed yourself harder you wanted to be just as good as them maybe even better, when you look back at your first video recording that your dad filmed  and the memory of the first ever  gold medal you were rewarded, you were rolling around dressed up as a cat that was just the beginning you came on so much , that roll soon turned to cartwheels and flips having the strength and power to walk the length of a pile of mats just using your hands, or that moment you finally managed to do the perfect bridge you would win hands down at the bleep test it was so easy while you watched everyone else struggle you weren't even trying you just had the stamina to keep going and win, you travelled the country competing against others, no pain no gain you were always told, falling off that slim beam and bursting your lip open as your balance was your biggest weakness and you did have to work on that aspect a little more than the rest, that one medal turned to a few and you dreamed of one day going far you would eat less and worry what you ate because you knew you had to be light and thin to be able to compete faster and better than all the others. You didn't have a care in the world except the fear of being fat, or falling off the beam

You imagine that you will be going on holiday topping up that tan you always had, you will have a good job making money, spending the weekends treating yourself to nice things, simply enjoying life with good friends, you dream of having that flashy car and you wish your life away thinking about when you grow up what things will be like.

Dear younger me.

I'm so sorry to tell you, this isn't the case,

You haven't done a cartwheel or handstand in years, not since You dislocated and had surgery on your knee you can barely balance on 2 feet let alone balance on two hands what you didn't know was it wasn't a talent you were hypermobile, that strength and power you had to carry around your whole body weight.. you don't even have the strength and power to walk up a flight of stairs anymore and that running you used to do without even a glimpse of a struggle.. that's long gone, its an achievement to make it to the bus stop without having to stop to catch your breath, that glowing tan faded when your heart became bad and the sun made your heart worse , most holidays are spent trying to lie in the sun with a good book desperate to get that glow back but then realising your failing miserably your body isn't like it used to be, so maybe the ghost look is something you just have to get used to ,you barely  go out with friends because the abundance of friends you had well, Most of them vanished when your heart broke and even more vanished when you became a mum You very rarely have the time let alone the energy to enjoy days and nights out with friends, You did get a good job but Your very rarely there and most days and months are spent at the doctors getting check ups and sick lines because your health just isn't how it used to be and you forever feel like the new girl trying to fit in,  even when You are well enough to work  your  to sick, or exhausted to have the luxury of treating yourself  to nice things unless it's by the Internet, and lets face it as much as the Internet is fab its not the same trying to find a dress, trying to picture what it really looks like through a screen

Dear younger me,

Things didn't turn out how You had hoped or dreamed they would in fact the complete opposite, you didn't  know at the age of 21 your life would be flipped upside down and you would battle everyday to feel normal, you didn't know back then when your  24 going on 25 that you would spent it being sick and in hospital getting a new pacemaker. You didn't know that you would see more doctors and specialists than you do friends,that they holidays you used to go on constantly are few and far between because you now have commitments, that you would have a heart problem and sit in the same hospital ward and clinic were you reflect  back to your younger self without that care in the world except to be thin now being fat is the least of your  concerns and do you know something?  you did gain weight because your active lifestyle of being a gymnast faded along with your younger healthier self.

Dear younger me,

You will be faced with challenges you didn't know existed, you will cry, feel fed up,lonely, grieve for your old life you will want to give up at times, life itself will feel impossible and who could blame you ? life  has been really hard for you, It will be tough, but your stronger than you think and you will get through it.

Dear younger me

I'm here to tell you, you might never do that handstand again or even walk up that flight of stairs ever again, but you have found new talents and ways to do things,you didn't know how easy it would be to teach yourself knitting by using a book and you wouldn't of discovered how fun it is and how much you could do if it wasn't for your heart being crap, mentally you are stronger and don't care that people might think your lazy for taking the lift rather than the stairs or the bus for one stop, they haven't experienced the pain and breathlessness you have, they friends you lost along the way were never really friends in the first place you just had to find that out the hard way you will be blessed with new friends ones who try to understand and are forever, who are always at the end of a phone no matter what , who go at your slow pace , it doesn't matter that you let them down from time to time, they know its not on purpose and there's always another day they know how frustrated and upset you are that sometimes your just not able, you will meet mum friends since you now  have the courage to go along to groups and classes alone something you would have never done before, if that bad day hadn't  happen were Kian just cried for what felt like hours for no reason you would have never just shoved him in the pram and  walked to that toddler group found that chair beside some mums all for that 5 Min's peace,  your days will be filled with cups of tea, laughter and the joys of watching your children grow up together and become friends You will get married and be blessed to have a husband who cares loves and looks after you who worships the ground you walk on, it doesn't matter that you might never be that slim beautiful wife because he loves you anyway and he knows how hard its all been because he's witnessed every single hard moment that was just as hard for him.

Dear younger self

I guess I'm just here to tell you life will take a turn for the unexpected, you will learn to smile to be happy to cherish every moment and the things you do have, to never take anything for granted, just to enjoy the present life your living now, stop dreaming and thinking what things could be like because you will miss whats right in front you, it's going to be okay even when sometimes it feels like it isn't life will knock you down on more than one occasion but it will always get better, that is just life.

Love

older and wiser me.

  

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To the nurse who restored my faith when I didn't have the strength.

                               

 You didn't really know me, you came through the ward door onto a night shift and all you knew was the basics that the nurse before had handed over, as you shouted up the large ward that had been full and busy with people all in for different reasons they had all been and gone there was just me and another 2 old ladies left.  At first you frightened me, with your high pitch loud voice shouting 'I don't know if your in pain you have to tell me' I buried my head into the pillow as you grabbed the blood pressure machine to check my blood pressure, I didn't speak to you I simply smiled, you seemed rude, scary, one of they horrible nurses that everyone hopes isn't looking after them, the sort of person I would avoid like the plaque and I wrongly judged a book by its cover.

You see I have spent a lot of time in hospital, meeting endless doctors, nurses receptionists the list goes on, but they treat you and look after you as a number on there list of patients,  I mean you can't ask for more can you ? their all doing there job rushed off there feet with small breaks in between, stressed exhausted, longing and counting down the hours for their shift to finish to get home to their own life.

Maybe it was your voice that made me judge you or your attitude I don't know, or the way you walked around, I was sore yet to scared to say anything to you as you muttered away to yourself making up the beds for the next day. I was to scared to be an inconvenience.

As I lay there, you knew I had just had my pacemaker removed and a new one implanted but what you didn't know was really how broken hearted I was, that I was missing my little boy who I had left behind on so many occasions with no choice, as he would wave goodbye to me it killed me inside that I was his mum and I wouldn't see him for a few days I felt like a failure, like I was letting him down, forever left wondering would I miss the first word he ever said, did he miss me at night ? Did he wonder why Mummy was always sad and not around much , that I cried myself to sleep every night I had been in hospital which had become my second home,  grieving and longing for the life I used to have, or the tears I shed after every soul destroying moment that I was told my heart couldn't be fixed but they would try again, but that try again was always just a try and that try kept turning into a fail, the jealously I felt just wanting to be like any other 25 year old, I would be reminded as my facebook feed filled up with pictures of my friends and work colleagues out enjoying themselves I felt forgetting about that invitation out with them turned to a quick text after a while that text turned to nothing, loneliness filled my  broken heart that I would forever be the one who is always too sick to do anything, my birthday was just 2 days before and instead of celebrating I was consumed with sadness knowing I would be spending it in hospital and spent the next day packing my hospital bag, you didn't know that I had been through what felt like hell and back again, that my heart was now damaged beyond repair, that I was the girl who if you held my hand or touched my shoulder you would feel how heavy the weight was, the anger sadness and frustrating eating away at ever last piece of me that didn't  already feel broken.

But what you didn't know was that how a random act of kindness made me feel that little bit better, you restored my faith during what was a really horrible time for me . As you seen me lying there you noticed my pillow and sheets was soaked and covered in the cleaning solution, mixed with dark spots of stained blood, my own blood were just a few hours before I had lay before being put to sleep praying and hoping I would wake up to the same pacemaker and that it wouldn't come to it being took out and I wouldn't be met with a new horrible scar and a new pacemaker all that hope had been shattered just a few hours before, I mean I owe my life to this little piece of machinery propelling my heart to beat so you could question was it such a big deal ? but it was it meant another couple of weeks of being pushed further back from were I had wanted to be .My long brown hair was stuck together and painted red, you helped me up to the chair striped the blood soaked bed as you muttered away some more and said 'everyone who's unwell needs a clean fresh bed', you were just doing your job but not only did you give me a fresh clean bed you guided me to the toilet  that was close yet felt so far away walking and standing was a challenge,  I was sore and tiered and didn't care how I looked but you sat me down and washed my hair despite how busy you were you didn't give me the option to lie down and sulk about it all, telling me how can you feel your best if you don't look it.You guided me back  found my pyjamas helped me out of the horrible hospital gown and tucked me into my clean fresh bed turning the lamp above my head on, and wished me good night.

I hadn't  had a good sleep for weeks before hand, everyday had been another long day spent worrying, undergoing tests hoping it wouldn't come to my pacemaker being removed so soon, and that just maybe this one more course of antibiotics would kill the infection that had struck and was  slowly taking over my tiered body and this whole nightmare would be over, or that before my pacemaker I would wake up during the night gasping for air struggling to breath because of  my heart pausing or beating too slow,or the times my husband would shake me violently to wake me up as I was  yet again having another nightmare were all the difficult times would flood back to me. I would be frightened even though I struggled and it was a fight to keep my tiered eyes open I would lie awake scared  in case my heart did pause and never unpause again forever wondering if I would make it through the next day the next hour without that faint happening just scared of the unknowing but that night I slept like a baby, all my fears were washed away like the blood and dye you had washed from my hair.

Maybe you seen through the fake smile as I had smiled as you took my blood pressure, maybe you had even been there yourself, but you took that few seconds to notice despite how busy you were. You did make me look that little bit better which made me feel a million times better . And that simple act of kindness of washing my hair tucking me in and wishing me good night made that horrible day and few weeks that little bit brighter and for that I am forever grateful and from the bottom of my broken heart thank you for restoring my faith and washing my hair when I didn't have the strength to wash it myself.

                                             

Yours sincerely

The girl with the broken heart




                                                             

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