I'm pushing myself so hard to keep this blog updated for lots of reasons but the main one is because Its my own diary and my journey were I can say how I feel, highs and lows and I know with each post I write I am closer to being were I want to be, and the biggest one is being fit enough to return to work with a better working heart.
Things have been crazy hard, I feel like I am playing catch up because there's so much that I haven't blogged about, life is full of ups and downs all the time and that's how things have been since my last update, health wise things haven't been to bad, I have had another kidney infection but a week of antibiotics and I felt a million times better which was amazing considering I am still not on any medication for my heart as my cardiologist feels until I have a pacemaker its just to dangerous so I am still having to just ignore and get on with the horrible symtoms, It was the weekend the doctors was closed so I had phoned nhs 24 I knew straight away I had another infection with the amount of pain I was in I spent the whole night being awake doubled over in pain, they gave me an appointment right away at the hospital taking my heart rate the nurse commented how fast my heart was where I had to explain I had heart problems and that was normal for me confirming I did have a kidney infection and giving me antibiotics I actually felt chuffed that my heart was fast but it wasn't overly fast to the point I felt faint or dizzy because normally I faint before I even know I have an infection so that was a huge bonus and an even bigger bonus when I wasn't addmitted into hospital for iv antibiotics and once I had finished the antibiotics I felt back to my normal self. My maternity leave is coming to an end soon and a few months back I went along to see the occupational health doctor were I was declared unfit to work writing to my cardiologist for advice and requesting to see my medical notes I had another appointment on Tuesday were again I was still declared unfit to return to work, I felt like someone had kicked me hard in the stomach and found myself fighting back the tears as I sat in the room along with my heart being so bad at the moment I also have contact dermatitis on my hand which until that also clears up I can't resume, I have always liked having my own independence and making my own money and especially now I want to work to provide for Kian as best as I can and found the same scenario slapping me in the face again, of what I physically want to do against what I am able to do except I do feel able and want to return to work The doctor mentioned that she understood how frustrating this all must be but I just kept thinking she couldn't possibly understand, how could she understand the frustrating of feeling able and well but your being told your not well enough to work. I think the hardest part of it all is thinking if none of it ever gets better is it going to be like a roundabout and that I just keep going round in the same circle of being fit one minute and not the next but she said hopefully once I have the pacemaker and I get back on medication for the fast rhythms things should be ok and it shouldn't stop me going back, but she did mention if things didn't improve I should always think ahead of the next step and maybe look at a less demanding job Also Kians birthdays coming up soon and people keep saying he wouldn't remember it but I want to make it special, but going over in my head how can I make it special when things are so tight and were living off dougies wage just made me feel that little bit more rubbish about not been aloud back to work but I guess he doesn't need lots of gifts or a huge party to make it special, and slowly found myself accepting it all wont be forever and hopefully my health will improve
September the 23rd marked 2 years since my first failed ablation and like I always mentioned in my blog I always questioned why was it fair ? Why did everyone else leave that day
fixed yet I didn't but I feel mentally its took a long time but I feel I am learning to accept it all better walking upto the doctors on Friday morning the chest pain, breathless just walking up the hill I thought back to the days were I could just walk and manage but I realize thinking of all the negatives is just making me more miserable which isn't helping anyone and it wouldn't change things, life is to short to be miserable, and losing my uncle a few weeks before which was so sudden gave me that wake up call I needed to stop dwelling on things.
My kind amazing uncle jimmy passed away the one picture I have of him and Kian at easter is something I will treasure forever.
I have always spoke about wanting to raise awareness and on Thursday mine and dougie's 10k was in the Scotsman newspaper, I was a little disappointed that the papers changed the story that the charity had drafted up, and its such a true saying never believe everything you read, but at least it raised some awareness and I hope it will encourage others to donate or even raise some money.
here is the link for anyone who wants to have a read.
I have been getting out more and enjoying spending time with Kian going to baby and toddler groups, bookbugs at the library and baby peeps anything to keep busy and keep me sane until my pacemaker surgery, like I have said before its so easy to become a shadow of the person you once used to be, I fell and got lost, I guess it was so hard to see the positives when your in such a dark place, so for now I am focusing on enjoying my time with Kian until I am fit enough to return to work which I know won't be forever.
Of Course I can't forget to update on Kian who is now over 10 months old time really has just flew in I can't believe how quickly he's growing and becoming his own little person, he is now good at crawling tries to walk and can do it holding on but hasn't yet found his balance to do it unaided, he now weighs 18lb 9oz still smaller than average babies his age but I think Kian will always just be little, my nana always used to say smaller babies come on faster and looking at Kian I do believe that he will now play peekaboo with you were he uses his blanket to cover his face and then pulls it away and laughs he now has 2 bottom teeth and one top tooth, he makes everyday so special and my main reason I want to go back to work is to provide for him I hate the thought of leaving him as It will really feel like a part of me is missing but I guess thats part of being a mummy I can't believe he's nearly one I just feel like I have blinked and my tiny baby is gone.
|Kian at 6 weeks old and 9 months old still smiling|
|Kian at 10 weeks old, the teddy update is slowly becoming difficult |
because he won't sit still and was not happy here when I finally got him to
Love and hugs