Wednesday 30 March 2016

Its ok to be a big cry baby

 if the shooting pains in my chest were little sparks of light and the dull aching was a bright red glow. If you could see the fog swirling around my brain. If you took my hand or touched my shoulder and you could feel how heavy the weight is, if the sadness made me waste away and the fatigue swallowed me up... and I never woke up.
Maybe then you would believe me, wouldn't you ?      

 I found myself again in the same situation only a week later, sobbing and crying behind a curtain in my local accident and emergency, the frustrating of nobody knowing what was going on, nobody being able to tell me why I was still in pain, or why the fluid was still in my chest, it had been drained yet 7 days later it was back, as I left through the doors of the busy waiting room, I had just got up and left from the trolley I had been lying on in tears, I had simply had enough, you become tiered of not knowing what's going on with your body, the doctor's voice echoed as he tried to tell me I was leaving without painkillers, but I didn't want painkillers my whole body felt numb.

As I sobbed in the car on the way home the tune blasting out from the radio from one of my favorite songs,

                                                                   Where there is desire
                                                                  There is gonna be a flame  
                                                               Someone's bound to get burned
                                                                But just because it burns
                                                             Doesn't mean you're gonna die
                                                       You've gotta get up and try, and try, and try

They described exactly how I felt I knew deep down I knew I had to get up and try but inside I was emotional fed up and exhausted, I felt at breaking point.

Getting home things only got worse later that night I passed out in the hall, before hand me and Dougie had even joked as I kept saying maybe I should just pee the bed I was bursting but I knew getting up I would black out the way I was feeling, the dizziness ears ringing heart racing every time I stood up I would throw myself back into bed And I hate to even share this but poor Dougie was even looking for anything that I could use for me to pee in to save me getting up out of bed and greeted me with my lovely new vase maybe I should of just peed in the vase classy,I know but if you have this condition and been in this situation you will know exactly were I am coming from, but instead I really tried to get up with Dougie's help saying if I felt I was going to go I would just quickly lie on the floor but I failed miserably didn't make the toilet or the floor well I made the floor but by hitting it without trying. When the ambulance arrived I found myself again crying and this time refusing to go to the hospital something I have never done in my life, I just couldn't do it anymore nobody could give me answers so mentally it was like there was no point to anything, they decided to call a doctor out to the house.

Half an hour or so later I was greeted at the side of my bed by what was one of the nicest doctors, the first thing she asked me was why  I refused to go to hospital were again I just started crying and couldn't stop, she felt the lump of fluid and commented saying no wonder I was in pain the lump was stuck to my rib cage, giving me tablets to help me sleep, she was now on the case to get me sorted but at this time of night she simply couldn't because it needed the one person who knew my heart inside and out.

I was admitted the next day to the cardiac ward,  sat staring at a bunch of old ladies again, who actually thought I was a visitor at first, because your far to young to have heart problems I was so grateful to be sharing a room with they 4 lovely ladies they chatted away and made the whole stay that little bit nicer especially the way I was feeling being an emotional wreck.

My pacemaker was checked to make sure it wasn't failing and that had been the reason for my collapse, and a heart scan that thankfully were all fine so he decided to get a second opinion, as not only did he owe that to me but to himself as well, because he just didn't know what was going on, my results showed lots of inflammation and white blood cells but nothing stood out as a problem or why this fluid kept coming back, so the next day I was met with another cardiologist who specializes in pacemaker infections at first he spoke about opening it back up again, but  that brought more risks of messing with it all again and putting me at risk of infecting my new pacemaker so as much as it was a pain, really a pain in my rib cage, we went down the route of leaving it to see what would happen and hopefully eventually my body will break it down with antibiotics and of course my heart racing is completely normal for me.


                                                                     Love and hugs

                                                                   Find me also-

Saturday 19 March 2016

More than your 9:20 Appointment

Over the weekend I didn't feel right, I barely left the house, I had been telling everyone something was wrong, I was still in a lot of pain from were my old pacemaker used to be, I phoned the pacemaker clinic I didn't know who to turn to being told to wait 2 weeks on an appointment with my own doctor just seemed to long, were  the gentleman on the phone told me there was nothing they could do since it wasn't actually my pacemaker but that they would inform my cardiologist... I don't think they ever did maybe it was easier to say that to get me off the phone ,so I made an appointment at my local surgery with the first doctor I could see which happened to be you.

I was going on my own, Dougie was at work I mean no big deal right ? But it is when you constantly have that fear of medical professionals being ignorant to your condition, your always told its fine yet it never is, the day I had  my collapsed 2 years ago one of the worst ones were my heart rate skyrocketed to 185bpm,  I had went to the doctors begging for help, begging for anyone, someone to listen  to me, that this wasn't all in my head I wasn't making it up it was real the way I was feeling yet I didn't know what was wrong, or what was going on with my body, I was a terrified 21 year old but yet again you told me its just an infection my body will get over it soon, but less than 24 hours later I was lying in a hospital bed diagnosed with a heart condition and had just been giving drugs to reset my heart back to normal, can you see why I get nervous going on my own.

Sitting in the room I told you about my pacemaker and how I didn't feel right, you had a quick look, all of 5 seconds if you were lucky ignored everything I was trying to tell you completely dismissed my concerns , maybe I should of led you on when you said 'I can feel your pacemaker', really ??? Because that's just impossible when its no longer in that side anymore, which was proof that everything I had just told you must of really went in one ear and out the other, but instead I corrected you showing you the pacemakers on my right hand side now.

It will go away eventually', you told me, telling me to rest take painkillers, even milk it a little as you laughed as I left the room, maybe this would of happened but deep down I felt you just wanted rid of me and it was easier for you to just send me on my way, you made me feel stupid like an idiot, like I had just wasted your time, I was in a great deal of pain and beyond fed up, I left the exact same way I walked in, I didn't want to milk anything I just wanted to feel better.

That afternoon I sat crying, just sick of feeling rubbish, just wanting to look after Kian and I had spent the whole weekend and passed few weeks feeling like I was letting him down again were he waved goodbye as he went out with his grandad and nana he didn't even seem like he needed me anymore and I now this isn't true the way I was feeling made everything 10 times worse, or knowing Dougie was slowly getting impatient with me always lying around in bed not having a dinner made or even spending time as a couple. I wonder how you would feel having kids what its like to feel like that to be unable to do anything with them mentally you want to but physically you just can't, or what its like to feel like your letting your husband down he doesn't deserve this everyday.

Well you were wrong, it didn't just go away I ended up in hospital having to get fluid drained from my old wound and more antibiotics, maybe you didn't believe me, maybe you thought I was faking it, being a drama queen, making up the pain was worse than it was I don't Know, but I'm more than just a number, I'm a person with feelings

Please next time just listen to me and not dismiss my concerns, treat me like a person not a number on your long list of patients, I'm just a normal girl, who doesn't want to milk anything I just want to be normal.

                                                                   Find me also on

Thursday 17 March 2016

Danielle's Heart Happiness Project.

Ok so I'm currently in the process of my next little project, a blog giveaway, I'm so incredibly excited about this !!!

So let me give you a bit of background behind my latest  project. When I was in hospital getting my 1st pacemaker in November, Dougie texted me to say a large box had been delivered to the door and asked what I had been ordering now, I do love Internet shopping and spend way to much money, but I hadn't ordered anything so I was completely miffed as to what the box could be. When I get home after my pacemaker I opened it up and it was a package full of bits and pieces to cheer me up from my lovely friends Lezlee - Ann, It was such an amazing idea and a lovely gift to receive so I have stole Lezlee's Idea I'm sure she wouldn't mind , she should be so proud of that smile she put on my face that day, it's something I will never ever forget.

So Basically I'm making up 5 packs to giveaway to 5 lucky people who suffer from a chronic illness, each one filled with useful gifts, love and well wishes and hopefully I  manage to put that same smile, on other's faces like Lezlee-Ann put on mine, Of course I had to find things heart shaped to add into my packs, I am completely overwhelmed with the kindness from companies that have took the time to donate to my little project and helping me on my little quest of  spreading some love and cheer.

I will be putting details on how to enter at a later date when I have finally got all the items and packs made up.

So if any companies or anyone reading this and would like to donate to my giveaway and help 5 people smile please drop me an email or contact me through my pages listed below.

                                                               Love and hugs

                                                                      Find me also on

Thursday 10 March 2016

Anything worth having was never easy

A full week has passed since my pacemaker was removed and I got my new one, your told to rest, not lift, not stretch basically do nothing ...well It feels like that anyway haha and the passed week has been spent lying around in bed stuffing my face with chocolate fizzy juice and all manner of junk food,  at the same time as moaning I need to loose weight, and leaving poor Dougie looking after kian, I felt terrible as I could hear the temper tantrum that was going on in the living room because Kian's not getting his own way, and it will always be something really stupid like not getting to climb on the fireplace or being made to sit in his high chair, as I lie in bed like lady muck with the TV enjoy some peace well it wasn't really peace having a 1 year old running around, I just wanted to get up and help , Dougie demanded me to stay in bed away from Kian as him seeing me and wanting up to play just ended up upsetting him more, I mean u can imagine the guilt when he puts his arms up crying for a cuddle and I just can't do it,  I did as I was told, but honestly I would of rather been looking after kian spending time with them both instead of being stuck in pain and just feeling like a total invalid , kids can  be hard work they know how to push buttons and boundaries and kian is pretty stubborn and a nightmare some days were he shakes his head if he doesn't want to do something, grabs his shoes and jacket and has a major meltdown when you tell him it's to early to go out yet... Which is normally 7 in the morning and you haven't even washed your face, had a cuppa or even got dressed and yep as I walked through to the bathroom he was lying face down in the hallway screaming his little face off all because he wanted to go out... poor dougie, but at the same time I thought welcome to the wonderful world of mum, something I deal with everyday... were you don't remember what a hot cuppa is like what it's like to pee in peace , or even just that 5 seconds rest, I mean its rewarding and I would never change it for the world but it's tough.

Dragged out of bed on Sunday, because' it's to nice to stay in' as Dougie put it the sun was out and here in Edinburgh you have to enjoy it because it's rarely dry never mind the sun being out I hate to say it but when we got there the sun was gone, but we spent a  lovely day in South Queensferry we had a little walk along by the sea and stopped into a little cafe called One Upon a Time. I have never seen such an amazing cafe, Charlie and the chocolate factory and Matilda wallpaper fairytale books, fairy's, sweets and cake it was heaven, and was worth getting out of bed for to enjoy a hot chocolate inside, I just love fairytales and this cafe was one huge fairytale.

Ok so going back.... am still living in heaven thinking about this little Once Upon A Time cafe as we were driving home I said to Dougie I would love to open a cafe like that, that would be my dream job were I could decorate and fill the shop with all my Disney ornaments and books, and   live in my own little fairy tale world,  but realistically unless I win the lottery it's never going to happen, that fairy tale little dream I have in my head , Was really a quick moment of dreaming, i was snapped out of dream mood when I had a occupational health meeting about going back to work just two days later. Dougie told me to cancel saying I was only a week out of getting a pacemaker there's just no way I should be going, but I felt more determined than ever, Every time I have been it's resulted in tears , full blowing tears, why is everything and everyone against me really it felt that way, I know there job is to look after your wellbeing and make sure your fit enough to return to work, but it's hard to accept when you feel able to and want to, it doesn't matter what my cardiologist had put in writing about my bad heart, I had always maintained that it's bad and I know I will always have problems but it's not going to stop me, it would be easier to give up, quit, claim benefits and sulk about how shit my heart is whatever but it's not the life I want to live, I just wanted to wake up and feel like I could win the battle I just wanted to open my eyes and feel like my days been successful and not another battle were I not only suffer but loose, and that's how I have felt with the passed appointments, some could say I was stupid for going I mean really how can you be well to go back to work a week after a pacemaker being removed and a new one implanted, the day before the hospital had phoned asking how I was feeling, because the swabs came back showing my infection was a lot worse than my bloods had showed, so if I felt unwell at all to go straight to the hospital, but anything worth having is never easy and I Knew deep down I had  to prove I could and was able to work,at least give it my best shot and if I can't manage working at least I tried God loves a trier and all that but really am a great believer In you have to try In life nothings easy but sometimes you just have to push yourself and try because it's amazing what you can do,I have always said my hearts a huge part of me and my life but that I would never let it stop me from achieving the things I want to do, and my ultimate  goal is returning back to work.

I got out of bed the morning of my appointment that feeling of butterfly's in your stomach I felt sick, like really sick with nerves, i'm such a  queen but like I said in my last post am not a stressed out sort of person but when I do get stressed it's not just unable to sleep or just feeling uptight, it's full blowing stay out Danielle's way kind of stressed because really I could cry, shout, break down, or even laugh, and my hands and neck had randomly broke out again for no reason so it must be stress right? The doctor has said In the passed,  stress makes your body do some weird things  and I do believe it's me being so stressed causing the lack of sleep, going to occupational health, I hadn't washed well I had washed at the sink yep I feel like a total minger but I just didn't have the energy and the pain was to bad aswell as having to watch the dressings, poor dougie was left helping me do my hair for the passed week I just felt shit, and Am sure I must of looked it because Dougie was at work and couldn't help me and I found myself wearing a hairband I hadn't wore in years, getting my dressings off on Monday  I looked like I had been in the middle of a battlefield, I have been living in pyjama's  and boob tubes if that's what there even called now when I did have to get dressed so I really felt stupid, I looked like I had barely anything on but I was comfy, so who cares if I looked like a complete twat, total cringe . I was late great start but rushing is just one thing I don't do especially a week after a pacemaker, I called her every name under the sun the last time as I sat crying my eyes out in the chair but actually I was shocked  when she asked about my hands I found myself saying its stress with coming here, she  questioned that I was saying she was the cause of it, and without thinking twice I said yes, I mean what the hell had I just done, dug an even bigger hole for myself , but I just wanted to be honest about it all, I really felt like I didn't care and I just had to get it off my chest,but instead she listen how I explained about constantly being told I can't work ,how it was one thing after another with my health and being even more honest I'm just completely stressed out and worked up about the whole situation because its never ending as much as I smile and put on a brave face inside am hurting grieving the life I had once had, trying to get used to having a pacemaker and still getting used to being a mum, Kians 16 months but everyday I feel like am still learning.  Every time I have this appointment my hands randomly break out, obviously I filled her in on my new pacemaker.were a week after a new pacemaker she put  in writing to be sent to my line manager that I could return to work once I have recovered  as much as I wish I was superwoman and bounced back quickly I'm not I'm human and I need to recover ,  before throwing myself  in at the deep end .. And it really is the deep end I haven't worked in 17 months, I am extremely nervous about it but excited at the same time eek !

Finally something positive as I left it was the best feeling phoning Dougie with good news instead of me phoning and sobbing my heart out, saying its never going to get better, I mean Im far from being recovered and feeling better it has only been a week, Im still a bruised sore mess but finally having something positive to focus on just makes the crap situation a little easier , I mean finally its took a long time but the light is at the end of the tunnel, emotionally and physically its been tough recovering having Kian, I just feel completely wiped out its like mentally and physically its been a huge weight I have carried around for so long and its finally been lifted. Last time I found myself rushing back to things and maybe it was to soon, but I always thought stupidly because am young I would bounce back from it all and recover quickly but I don't think it matters what age you are, everybody needs rest and time to recover, part of me is scared wondering if I will manage if I will make it through that shift without having to either lie in a dark room and cry because working in the theatres is tough and so stressful or fall down with my heart playing up but I wouldn't ever know if I don't try.

Today I treated myself and finally my hair got washed properly at the hairdressers its amazing how you feel so much better when you shove on some lipstick and your hairs done that I found myself venturing out with Kian and we spent the afternoon at softplay but lord that was very stressful kids are horrible with one pushing Kian knocking his chocolate bar out his hand and then kian screaming because I binned the chocolate bar  so he had a full blowing paddy in the middle of soft play and tomorrow will be my first day having Kian on my own for a full day, and the pacemaker will probely  be hit and kicked a million times I will be beyond exhausted and I will think omg why did I do this to myself so soon but  I'm  doing it all for Kian, I hope one day and am sure he will read this blog and I hope he will be proud and know that everything I done, making the decision to have that last ablation that failed miserably  making the decision to get a pacemaker that I done it all for him I just wanted to be a mum, not a sick mum that has all these struggles, Life is only 10 % what happens to us and 90% how we react and I could of just admitted defeat  with work with everything  but I would of hated to never have got that last ablation constantly left wondering if my heart could of been fixed or not making that step and returning to work left wondering if I could of completed that 13 hour shift and if I can't manage then its fine then I will admit defeat but defeat is not the worst failure, not to have tried is the true failure.

                                                               Love and hugs


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Thursday 3 March 2016

Out with the old and in with the new,(My second Pacemaker)

For anyone who knows me, I like plans and when things don't go to plan or happens out the blue I get really stressed out, Am the sort of person who books a holiday and has to organise and plan everything so far in advance, like when me and Dougie booked a weekend in London I had to purchase a book about London and learn and plan every little detail from when's the best time to go to the London eye, as I just hate queues I am  the most impatient person you will ever meet, to checking out every tube station and the times, before I have even arrived , so when I received a phone call off my cardiologist on Monday afternoon at 16:40  saying he wanted to admit me tomorrow morning to take out my pacemaker after just been told on Friday it wouldn't be done till there was space and even though I had been placed on Tuesdays list under another cardiologist he ended up not been in the hospital that day so he had only just phoned and cancelled a few hours before saying it would have been impossible to squeeze me in and that they would need to look at cancelling someone next week, here I was a few hours later added again I was an emotional worked up mess, in a way the positive side was I didn't have time to think and worry about it all and also It meant I wasn't stuck feeling so rubbish for another week but I wasn't prepared mentally and physically and with it being cancelled you kind of accept it's not happening so you snap out of scared nervous mode but my plans were shot and then Sprung upon me, so I was a stressed out mess since I had only a few hours to organise  myself and of course Kian.

When I got the phone call on Monday I was shocked the phone call was short and sweet, as I phoned Dougie I don't think it had really sunk in that it was happening tomorrow I wanted to jump with joy but cry at the same time so the rest of Monday was spent packing my hospital bag and organising kian for me not being there I was overwhelmed with emotions and the worst part not knowing really what was happening.

Tuesday morning came  I got up the same routine I do before any heart procedure having a shower washing my hair which is always a must for me, you just never know when you will be able to wash again Which I hate I just hate feeling horrible, I had been told I would be done in the afternoon so it wasn't quite an early start like it had been every other time so I had enough time to enjoy a shower and  try my best to relax, well being a mum I will rephrase that run around sorting and worrying over Kian with the extra time I did have.

Arriving at the hospital the waiting game to be took I found myself coming across the same faces I had met before from the same receptionist to the same nurses who looked after me  even the same cleaner were they all asked how Kian was and how come I was back again yep this was my 5th time being here,  I  met with the same cardiology registrar who had helped do my pacemaker were I was giving the consent form to sign... asking did I know what was happening NO not a clue !!! I knew the pacemaker was coming out but had heard so many different opinions off my own cardiologist to the others I had met in the passed few weeks, either take it out and leave it a few days and then reimplant once the infection was gone or reimplant straight away in the other side. He told me I was a high risk for infection since I already had one this did increased my chances of another and the story he had been told was the last option take out and reimplant at the same time but this meant a longer procedure for me, so the consent form had lots of plus and minus all over it and  was nearly bursting out the page with all the maybes... scary stuff  but basically  we would see what happens once there inside and make a decision. I felt sick this was my body and my heart and I really didn't have a clue and felt completely vunerable and scared not knowing what I would wake up to, if I would wake up to no pacemaker and back to the horrible slow rhythm and pauses or wake to a new scar and new pacemaker its scary when you just don't know, And when they add in the risks like puncturing  a lung with the needle because its so close, to things that are life threatening, it is scary and as much as you think it just wont happen there is always that small chance it will, you think it wouldn't happen to you and I always think like that am sure most people do, but  my last ablation left my heart damaged a risk I knew could happen, but I was told was so slim but yet it had happened and a risk of infection  after a pacemaker which only happens in 2 in every 800 pacemakers but I happened to be one of they unlucky 2 were my cardiologist had said it was simply just bad luck so there's always that fear that something will go wrong.

I made Dougie leave I cope so much better on my own I get an emotional mess saying goodbye as they wheel me through, I hate goodbyes I know it wouldn't be forever but I hate saying goodbye to the cat in the morning when I leave to go to work so you can imagine what am like in hospital. Sitting on my own I was sat looking around the ward at a room full of older ladies now I know this is something I always go on about a lot but it really hits hard  that am so young to have all these problems and everyone my age is out working having a drink enjoying life and instead I have spent most of my 20s in hospital fighting for good health and a normal working heart. and it does hurt emotionally. My cardiologist  came to see me were  he said the 2 options again and there was risks with both but what would I prefer ?  in my head I was thinking none, a wand were it would all  magically disappear, but obviously wands and magic are made up stories, as much as I wish they were real or I had a lovely fairy godmother who would come and save me from it all, he said how he felt the second one removing and re implanting at the same time would be best, as being a mum it would mean I would get home quicker and it killed two birds with one stone I wouldn't need to stay in hospital and go through another operation and also he feared by removing it and leaving it out it was putting me at risk of the pauses and slow rhythms which brought the huge risk of  me fainting again. But this one did increased the chances of infection to that side , all these hard  decisions and I had to decide there and then. time was ticking he was on the case before mine. I went with the first it was hard but knowing I just wanted to get home to Kian and be one step closer to being were I want to be I thought lets just get it all over with ( a little crazy I know ) Putting on my gown and of course the lovely paper pants, the needle was placed in my arm with all the nurses avoiding me like the plaque my veins are just terrible and the same routine of running my hands  under warm water searching for a vein It went in with the first go thankfully, surely this was the start of good things to come.

Wheeled through I didn't feel nervous I just wanted it all over with giving antibiotics we spoke about Kian and my next Holiday were he said I had to bring him one day to my appointment he would love to meet him I laughed honestly the word stressful and nightmare come to mind haha lying on the same table I had found myself lying on so many times before I was giving sedation I have to say this time was like my 2nd ablation horrible and painful I think because they were working on both sides at once yep I had my cardiologist  doing the pacemaker and the registrar taking it out the other side so even though I was a little spaced out I could feel pulling and tugging at every angle not to mention the drape lying over my face I can't really remember if it was right over my face but it was there so when I did kind of come to I just felt it there and I hate things close to my face but I would doze back off  I was struggling a lot with my breathing and they did have to help me out with oxygen were the nurse kept saying It would all be over soon and I would be sedated back to happy land maybe not quite, I could still feel the tugging and pain especially the  right side were they were putting in the pacemaker I did feel a little sorry for my cardiologist who did keep apologising to me but I did prefer last time when I don't really remember anything.

When I came round on the ward a few hours later the first thing I noticed was my hair yep they had the lovely dye used to clean your skin and blood all over my hair which  had actually dried in and was stuck together urg ! My cardiologist came and said even though my pacemaker wasn't full of puss there was a few bits that didn't look right and shouldn't of been  like that so he had cut away tissue to send off to the labs he apologised again for it being painful and said he didn't no why it was painful as he had used so much local to numb it but it just didn't seem to work the left side did, just not the right weird and I would love to know if anyone else has experienced this and its not me just being weird ?

I had fasted all day I was so hungry it was 6 o'clock by the time I got back to the ward I could of really ate a horse and I was greeted with a big fat chicken burger and chips just what was needed after my ordeal,  but it was freezing cold and I couldn't even cut it up as using a knife was agony. I really felt like an invalid and was really anyoyed that my dinner was freezing. Dougie came to see me with good old chocolate and lucazade and when he left the nurse on nightshirt came on she was short and fat and was one of they ones that you think omg she's going to be mean, especially when she shouted through the ward' if your in pain I don't know you have to tell me to give you painkillers' really loudly but as the saying goes never judge a book by its cover and she was one of the nicest kindest nurses I have met, noticing I was lying in my bed which was covered in blood and dye along with my pillow she demanded me to get up and sit on the chair so she could strip it and change it where she tucked me in and told me everyone who's unwell needs a clean fresh bed to feel that little bit better and why the hell had they left me lying in that, she then noticed my hair and helped me wash it at the sink since I was unable to move my upper half,  and then helped me to get my pyjamas on, it was one of the best sleeps I have ever had in hospital she turned the lights out put the lamp on above my bed and I really slept like a baby. All I needed was a hot chocolate, a hot water bottle and a good chick flick and I would of felt right at home haha, but  really good nurses are worth there weight in gold and one of the main reasons i do want to return to work, anyone can look and care for someone but having learned through my own expierence of being sick it's the little extra things you don't get taught and I guess having being through all these surgerys and hospital stays and being so unwell I learned them and many nurses aren't lucky well lucky is maybe not the right word but to know what that's like to be on the other side and for that am greatful for because without it I wouldn't be the caring person I am today,which when I am well enough to return to work I will use it to help others. I mean a smile and treating someone with dignity and respect really does go along way when your unwell.

Walking up its that moment you think your fine till you go to sit up and I really felt like a bus had walloped me in the chest Its so hard and painful to get up first thing. I managed to get up and dressed and took my antibiotics and painkillers moved through to the seating area I just had to wait on my chest x-ray and my pacemaker settings being adjusted. I had my breakfast which consisted of cold toast and tea as always in hotel Royal Infirmary. Suddenly I started to feel dizzy lightheaded and faint as the nurse coming on shift walked passed I shouted out that I didn't feel to good yep I felt like an idiot as the people sitting stared at me its always the same though people are just so noisy, but I did create a bit of a drama it wouldn't be like me, lying me down on the bed my blood pressure had dropped and was so low giving me water and pulling a curtain round they checked it again it was still low, after about half an hour and them giving me more tea and biscuits it was still low they phoned my cardiologist , he does make me laugh he asked them to check it again and it had just dropping even lower he then asked them to give me more food and drink and he sat me up a little in bed  coffee seems to be his answer to everything haha but in all seriousness i was just wiped out and basically he thinks its just to do with everything I have been through with the infection, having to fast and it all just been a little to much at once. Luckily a few hours passed and it came back up slowly, it got there just enough that I didn't feel so faint and horrible, took round to x-ray I got my chest x-ray and taking the bra off was a mission I was in agony, and required the student and radiographer to help me get it off its funny how you don't become embarrassed anymore at taking your clothes off when  your that used to it,  peeing in bed pans and needing help after ablations and taking your bra off for heart scans and ecgs the list goes on but really you don't care who helps and looks at you when your unwell.

Next was the pacemaker check so things were explained again and this time a little bit better, my pacemaker was set to 60bpm so when my heart rate goes to drop below 60bpm my pacemaker would kick in, the  rate response was turned on since my heart doesn't increase like a normal persons should this would mean it would increase  how it should depending what I'm doing, she warned me she was going to switch it off and as she done it Suddenly I started feeling my own horrible heart rhythm and it made me remember that all the pain and heartache was worth every minute to never feel like that again even just for that few seconds it was awful I could feel it slow and pausing and the horrible crappy side effects that come with it she didn't do it for long but my pacemaker had been working and when it was switched back on it was gone like a huge weight had just been lifted it was one of the weirdest strangest things I have ever experienced but it really hit home and made me see the positives having the pacemaker there to not ever feel  that way again, next she sped it up which is strange again when your lying there doing nothing and suddenly you feel your heart racing like your running yet your not moving, having ist and sss am used to my heart racing randomly but it's strange when they control it by a few clicks on a computer, it was all set so I was free to go home the nurse changed the dressings which I didn't expect because it wasn't done the last time part of me wanted to look as the dressings came off but she told me not to, I hate the fact I now have 2 scars but its a part of me and everything I have been through and having that few seconds of feeling my own horrible rhythm is another scar really a big deal and no it isn't to never feel that way again a million scars wouldn't be a big deal if it means kissing goodbye to my own horrible heartbeat.

I'm on antiobitocs and strong painkillers to hopefully prevent an infection happening again which is now  my 7th dose of antibiotics in the space of 3 months but here's hoping this time round is clear sailing.  Armed with my positive attitude and inherent stubborn nature, I keep my mind focused and my life moving forward, I may stop to rest, pout and even cry sometimes, but  always I get back up, life is giving me this challenge and I will plow through it, out of breath with my heart racing if I have to, am in pain, pain I haven't ever felt before am beyond exhausted emotionally tiered and a little frustrated but its not a race I will get there eventually and having this 2nd chance,  and 2nd pacemaker I will achieve everything I have ever dreamed of and even though right now I  do feel further back from were I started times a healer and that's all I need is time I know I will smash this eventually. I mean what a birthday present a second pacemaker at 25 it wasn't quite how I had planned or dreamed  to spend my first few days of being half way to 50 in hospital swallowing antibiotics and painkillers but there could of been a lot worse ways right ? I did manage to enjoy a meal and a few cocktails on Saturday the first time in a long time but hopefully many more to come with this new battery operated ticker.


Love and hugs

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