Getting up on Monday morning I woke up up with the worst cold, now the colds just the cold right ? Everyone gets it take all the cold remedies sweat it out in a bath, lie in bed drinking fluids etc but when your heart is sensitive to nearly every single cold remedy out there it's just not as simple. Do u see were am going with this? If u have a shitty heart like me that's sensitive to nearly anything that makes your heart work faster including getting a bug, a virus an infection even just 'that cold' then you will know exactly what am about to say because you will know exactly what it's like, it's not "just the cold " when your heart doesn't work properly your heart and health take a huge hit.
I tried to ignore it I really did, I tried to not complain and moan about having the cold because let's get real it is just the cold and as much as I felt like I was dying I wasn't and it was "just the cold", carrying on my day as normal and with a hyper toddler who also had the full blown cold and was just as grumpy as me because he obviously felt just as shit as I did.
Oh god getting on with 'just the cold' was hard, but thankfully kian you were amazing and had a 3 hour nap on Monday , I really thank you for this,giving mum some well deserved time to lie and sulk on the sofa with a hot water bottle and paracetamol before we took a walk to the shops to get things for dinner.
Now if you've heard of the spoon theory by Christine Miserandino, Using spoons and having none left not going to bore everyone to death with the whole spoonie theory but basically , I had been trying to be superwoman all week getting on with it all, not lying down to it refusing to admit how bad I felt simply telling everyone I had 'a cold' but by Thursday I was wiped out and feeling even worse than I had been, I had clearly exhausted and used all my spoons up and didn't have a spare spoon left, Maybe I should of used my spoons more wisely and not pushed and got on with it like normal people do because I guess as much as I would love to just get a cold and get over it like everyone else does it's not as simple when you have a rubbish immune system and your heart doesn't function how it should, and that cold that I had not been complaining about, well Saturday morning resulted in a trip to the out of hours because 'that cold' was pleurisy and my heart had started to struggle, the little horse had come out to play and galloped away making me sufferer even more than I had been.
But the frustrating part of it all I spent the whole week trying to explain to family and friends yes it's "just the cold," but the cold makes my already rubbish heart ten times worse, were none of them seemed to get it," just get on with it, it's just the cold,"or a favourite "stop being a drama queen " now maybe I should of said to people how bad things actually were, but I don't because I rarely admit how bad things are poor Dougie did try to understand and he seen how hard it all was for me, as each day passed I didn't get better and couldn't just get on with it like everyone else does as he came home on Thursday, he knew I now needed my bed, as much as he laughs and calls me a drama queen he sees how much it effects my heart he knows me better than I know myself and what had been "just a cold" I was now feeling unwell with my heart. but I guess it is hard to fully understand when you haven't been there and don't no what that is like, being completely wiped out and unable to leave bed because your heart is working overtime so much it leaves you feeling even more unwell than you already did.
Again it created that whole barrier of you look fine the whole invisible illness striking because you can't physically see the pain or how unwell I felt or how my damaged heart is taking a huge hit.
It made me realise I can try to ignore it not be so negative think of it like everyone else it's "just the cold," and the
Sometimes its better to keep silent than to tell others what you feel because it hurts badly when you come to know that they can hear but can not understand
You can't fully understand until you've been there yourself,
So the next time I say 'I just have a cold' don't question me don't tell me to get on with it I'm already doing exactly that ,just that I'm not sharing and moaning about how bad things actually are because you wouldn't get it or understand what that is like and I know that must be hard.
Love and Hugs