Monday 27 February 2017

Sorry, Not Sorry that I don't fit in.

Hello you lovely bunch its been a while I feel like I owe you all an explanation but before I start I don't really know were I'm going with this blog post or if any of it will make sense I just need a chat I feel like I just need to put pen to paper and write.

  When I first started blogging it was for myself a diary so to speak, a place were I could take all my thoughts and feelings and put them in this small corner, my blog, It became a way to free my mind, free in a sense because they thoughts and emotions were no longer locked inside my brain but instead a page, a page I could open and shut when things became tough with my health. My mind needed  freedom because truthfully I didn't know how to cope with the emotional scars my illness brought but through writing I was able to process those things that were happening, things that I found difficult to explain.

  Most of the time I'm hit with inspiration to write even if what I write is rubbish, to me it still means something but recently I haven't had that, before Christmas I had lots of posts drafted up ready to publish but I switched from Mary Poppins to Cruella De Vill, I was in such a bad mood about blogging, I'm talking a full blowing pmt outburst were I sat wondering what am I doing, do I suck at writing, am I making a fool of myself, are people laughing at me criticising my writing thankfully that mood passed and my feelings towards blogging when back to normal.

  The thing is I've always knowing people blog for all sorts of different reasons whither it be to make money, to receive free stuff, or because they love writing , whatever that reason may be, they blogs are all grouped into niches, I've always felt like the black sheep, like I don't really belong anywhere part of me longs for a niche to welcome me with open arms, a group that will encourage and support me to keep on writing  but then the other part of me doesn't. I admit I write tiny snippets from all sorts of different niches but I don't want to dedicate my whole blog to one niche because that's not me that's not the reason  I started this blog, I  know barely anything about blogging truthfully  I didn't even know niches excited until a few months ago.

 Back in October when I wrote for  Bio-oils scars uncovered campaign I started receiving email's offering me free stuff in return for posts ,I sat for many weeks toing and froing with the whole idea, I started wondering was I missing out since I was refusing to entertain the idea of sponsored posts and brand collaborations. In fact several other bloggers told  me I was missing out that I could earn easy cash doing something I love and in return drive more traffic to my blog its a win all round right ?  I'm not going to lie writing for Bio- oils campaign drove an overwhelming amount of traffic which was something I hadn't experienced before my inbox full of lovely responses from others showing pictures of scars and a story behind them something I took great comfort in,  I wasn't the only one looking in the mirror and feeling shit about my scar battered body but writing about things like vapour pipes and coffee body scrubs just isn't my cup of tea.

 The thing is I don't want to loose sight of why I set up this page I don't want to write content for content sake so I can be accepted in the world of blogging to be welcomed into a niche or to even gain a high rank on Goggle, ( I actually have no clue how any that stuff works btw)  it's pretty simple  I don't want to get sucked into blogging to make money or to receive  free things  it's like I've been offered a job promotion I didn't apply for I wrote for the scars uncovered campaign because I love writing about things I'm passionate about its no secret that  I hate my scars not just because they look ugly it's a painful reminder of my past but a past I felt could help others, help them accept their scars and even their past. Through that post I was able to vent emotionally how my own scars affected my life and what they meant to me. But I didn't get paid for it I got free bottles of bio oil as a kind of payment for supporting the campaign the rest were sent out as a giveaway to help others come to terms with their ones too.

For anyone who doesn't know  I started this blog 3 years ago the day my second heart ablation failed it sounds crazy I know not many people sit after surgery and think I know life's shit lets write about it but I did. Anyway here I was in hospital  staring out the window watching the world go by literally passing me by as I lay in hospital a blubbering snottery mess, I felt like I had no real place in it. All these people were outside, walking, smoking, chatting in little groups putting money into the parking meter I felt like they all had a life a purpose all I had was a shitty diagnose with no hope of a cure, I was grieving over a life I wanted, I was mad, pissed at life  words just started flowing It didn't have a reason, it served no purpose I  just took every piece of my heart that felt  broken and shoved it into words they words eventually became the posts you read here. Weeks and months passed were anything I felt anything I wanted to say I used it as an outlet for my emotions I admit some of the posts I published I'm embarrassed about I've even swayed with the whole idea of hitting delete but I haven't because there all reminders of hard times during my heart journey were I look back and think god I remember that, that was shit and then I move on I move on with a sense of delight because it's in the passed a passed I lived survived and came out the other side 10 times stronger.

 Sometimes mentally I struggle, I  just need a little swift kick up the backside my blog gives me that, I find myself reading back just to remind myself how far I've come in a strange way I still  find things hard to believe, I still struggle to believe that when I was pregnant I got induced 3 times 3 weeks early and my darling stubborn Kian was still 2 days late because seriously does that even happen ? It did, because it happened to me, happened all because of my shirty Inappropriate heart But someone somewhere might have that same shit luck (if you can call it that baby's are blessings)  but they might just land on that page it might be all they need to hear that day just to stop the tears flowing. I know it now makes me laugh.

  Its funny because people say its all about your attitude towards life, you just need to be positive, as cliche as it sounds  turn that frown upside down, they'll tell you everything happens for a reason, to be grateful for the life you have because some people have it so much worse but at that point in true Danielle drama style I felt like nobody could be worse, at the age of 22 I was diagnosed with a heart rhythm problem and told there's nothing that can be done they didn't know how to fix it, if they ever could, I was going to spent the rest of my life calling into work sick never having enough money to pay the bills pondering over how crap life is mostly from the floor with my legs propped up higher than my heart but strangely fast forward  a year later it became so much worse if only back than I knew that But the thing is I did just that I turned that frown upside down and started writing to help others and I haven't stopped doing that.

 What I didn't realise when I first started blogging  was how much it would help others faced with the same condition, through the struggles I shared  I was always met with positive comments, words of encouragement, gained 1000 of likes even made new friends. My inbox was and still is always full of lovely messages asking all sorts of advice from ablations to anxiety, pacemakers to pregnancy the list goes on but I love it.  It was at this point I realised I could really help others, I could give others all the advice and information  I wish I had knowing back then but didn't I'm no heart expert I'm not even a doctor but by sharing the things that happened, the obstacles I  came across with having this shitty condition  I could give support, the support and shoulder I didn't have but wished I had all those years ago. I've come to love the feeling of writing  knowing it can help others going through the same struggles because truthfully I never want anyone to feel like I did 3 years when I started this blog I was a wreck I was alone, scared stuck in this invisible illness bubble were I felt like nobody could understand what it's like to live a life with your heart controlling it day in and day out, in fact the day I was diagnosed I hadn't heard anyone else refer to their heart as Inappropriate.

 What I recently realised was I'm not only helping others but advocating for heart rhythm problems as a whole I have a rare condition that many medical professionals don't understand, some haven't even heard of it I've been on the end of doctors harsh ,rude comments so many times, the end were you start to question are you really sick or just crazy But I've decided the more I write the more awareness that brings and therefore I figured less ignorant individuals in the world.

 However I guess what I'm trying to say is screw fitting in its nice to be different this tiny place on the Internet is an outlet for me it's kind of like therapy when my heart goes haywire, I'm sorry that I'm not sharing beauty hauls or taking perfect food pictures just so I can fit in, if that's what your after you've came to the wrong place. I'm a blogger without a niche. I wear my heart on my sleeve I don't hide anything in real life or on online, I put myself and my blog out there not just abit I fully put it out there for people to judge, criticise , pull apart but to help others, to raise awareness I figured if I don't advocate for my condition who will ? I'm the blogger without an identity, I'm opinionated, but honest I'm not your perfect size woman, or plus size model, I'm a mum with a heart rhythm problem, my mouth is just as inappropriate as my heart is but I'm just me, Danielle

 So here I was sitting last night scrolling through all they emails sending the same reply to them all thank you but no thank you, it was great because suddenly I felt a sense of relief  I found myself staring at my laptop missing this blog missing writing and remembering why I started it all in the first place and fitting in isn't  one of them.

Sorry, not sorry that I don't fit in.

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