Thursday 29 December 2016

My sweet little boy if only you could understand a kiss can't make everything better

The long list of words I mutter daily to my 2 year old is incredibly long.

'I can't it hurts
running away makes mummy very sad
No we can't go upstairs
Stop, Mummy can't keep up
Will you just behave
Don't run off mummy cant catch you if a car comes
I need you to slow down'

'Please slow down little one'

Since my little boy Kian started to walk the day of his first birthday he well and truly made his entrance in style he came strolling through swaying the unsteadiness in his legs a huge cheesy grin across his face, his first proper steps he was determined to run before he could walk I watched with such delight, a proud mummy moment, yet suddenly out my mouth came the words

'Please slow down'

From that day is speed of walking and running grow exactly like he did as a mum I watched and cherished these moments, everytime he ran with a huge smile on his face that brought an even bigger one to mine as he copies Mr Tumbles on the television touching his nose blinking three times jumping high in the air my heart bursts with so much pride,ever fall I kiss the graze on his knee better the tears stop flowing and he replies all gone, his arms and hands reach out to show me it's all gone.

'Please slow down' were the dreaded words I spoke a lot

From rushing up and downstairs, running along the street to the park, taking off like Wreck it Ralph in the supermarket his short but able legs  always full of energy, his mind always racing with mischief everywhere we go is always full steam ahead even to the toaster in the morning.

'Please slow down mummy can't keep up'

Having arthritis in my knee winter and the cold is a huge culprit at making my knee feel worse everything we done in the summer, the long walks to feed the ducks doesn't happen, going to toddler groups I sigh its shut as I secretly stand at the washing machine and cry for telling little white lies, everything on our to do list gets moved to the don't do list shoving him in the pram and walking slowly is now how the eventful shopping trip starts 'bad mummy' he shouts loudly the once happy face replaced with sadness the guilt hits hard eventually I give in.

'Please slow down' I would still shout trailing at the back passers by shaking their heads moving trolleys to avoid hitting him, physically I cant keep up he's faster than me I sobbed one night I can't do this I can't deal with strangers judging me staring because I let him run wild. He doesn't understand was a phrase I started to hear a lot he's just a baby having fun, learning I would bite my tongue longing for the day he did understand, longing for the day it would all get easier.

I'm still learning how to approach these moments of mummy 'can't', explain to him why ? how do I tell him that mummy has a bad knee and one day will need a new one, how do I go about telling him mummy has a pacemaker inside her chest ? do I let him feel it ? show him its different to help him understand, do I tell him mummy's a bit like a superhero with a magic battery ? make it sound fun, special, ? every superhero eventually needs a new knee. Yet how can I make out mummy's this amazing superhero yet she cant even walk up a flight of stairs properly let alone  pull out webs from her hands and climb up the side of tall buildings, how can I eventually tell him when the time right all batteries run out exactly like the phone he puts on charge to phone daddy at work does, expect its not as simple as plugging mummy into the wall, without him fearing it, without him asking too many questions giving answers that I never want to explain, machines can go wrong like the battery's which leaked in his favourite toy dinosaur, that caused him to cry for days when I told him it was broken and we needed to get a new one but yet its important, its important to me that he understands that mummy's not being bad, boring or grumpy she simply can't, so he learns god forbid something goes wrong he understands it will all be ok with a simple few clicks from a special computer at the hospital a superhero always springs back but even the greatest superheroes need a rest sometimes.

 'Everyone has a part of themselves they hide even from those they love the most'

Kissing his forehead goodnight I sat on the edge of his toy box bad mummy stuck on my brain, I will try little boy, really I will try, to stop being boring, grumpy, I will let you run around free, let you have fun, let you be curious, let you learn, forever I will keep this secret locked inside your eyes tightly shut to protect you from ever knowing that mummy's no superhero she couldn't be any further away from a superhero if she tried, mummy's more like Bambi on ice who most days can barely put one foot in front of the other.

I promise I will try and never say slow down again, I whispered to him that night because my sweet little boy you will always be quicker than me.

I admit I'm still adjusting to this accepting he's growing up, accepting it's always going to be a challenge, I'm still learning how to control the fear when he takes off and I can't keep up, god I'm even trying to stop caring what others think when I look like a mum who has no control over her son, I should of knew this day would come but I didn't in the whirlwind of the first year of being a new mum I didn't ever think that far ahead unfortunately there's no textbook with a how to guide on keeping up with toddlers when you have bad knees and a battery powered heart.

A few days later in an ironic but sad sort of way, waiting for his Nana to pick him up I explained mummy had to see the doctor with her sore knee grabbing his shoes he gave me a little wave his face full of delight and smiles for his afternoon full of adventures with someone who can run and jump, who can do everything he wishes mummy could do but can't, as he went to run off he stopped in his tracks smiled leaned down and kissed my knee all gone he said.

As he went out the door my heart ached for the wrong reason he did understand in the mind of a 2 year old a kiss makes everything better he had only learned what I had taught him a kiss made his knee better so it should make mummy's better too, its so true he doesn't understand that a kiss cant fix everything but my sweet little kian how I wish you didn't ever have to understand a kiss cant always fix everything but sometimes a kiss from the right person is sometimes all you need, I will always keep you believing kissing a sore knee really does make it all gone.

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Sunday 18 December 2016

Two Simple tips for an Ist sufferer at Christmas

Christmas is full of joy and happiness from Christmas parties to Christmas markets,Santa's grotto With his cute little elves and reindeers, the cliche Christmas films that bombard the television, being aloud to eat and drink your body weight in chocolate and mulled wine, Christmas has a special meaning to us all.

Christmas is just round the corner, Its the one time of year to hang pretty stockings up on the fireplace, tie glittery tinsel around the tree, cook and have your home smelling of mince pies and cinnamon, its officially the most wonderful time of the year, you sit by the fireplace with a mulled wine in your hand, tucking into your pintrest picture gingerbread house as Christmas trees overpower social media, every Channel you flick through plays a Christmas movie, from love and mistletoe, to snow and magic, Kindness and goodwill, These movies show us what Christmas is all about but if you didn't already know, I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this isn't always the case.lets get real me and my husband definitely don't communicate with our hearts even after 5 years of marriage, I live in miserable cold Scotland but I've yet to see a white Christmas, nobody EVER in my street decorates with so many lights that you can see their house from space why ? Because movies aren't real life, they show us high unrealistic expectations about Christmas. Christmas is pretty stressful and overwhelming for the average person so for those living with Inappropriate Sinus Tachycardia or any chronic condition for that matter Christmas adds more stress and worry  to our already tachy hearts it pushes our bodies and our ability to cope to a completely different level.

Christmas to us is a bit like a coin, if we grab our party shoes and head to the Christmas parties, we sure will pay for it later and I'm not just taking a hangover in the morning or an empty purse, if we hit the busy shops for Christmas shopping, its like recovering from minor surgery, the heat from the fire makes you want to lie on the cold floor with your feet above your head or is that just me ? but on the other side of the coin, if we don't do all these things we end up feeling isolated, those closest to you struggle to understand that our fast hearts can't stand in long queues in a hot busy shop or the amount of alcohol and chocolate you 'should' consume since its Christmas sets our hearts off, if we don't make it out to the shops and give that perfect gift or join the secret Santa club a huge pat on the back for being a bah humbug.

Christmas can bring so much resentment and disappointment that our Christmas isn't quite turning out exctly the way we want it to, exactly like the way it does in movies, Christmas is more daunting than joyful trust me I know. Christmas to me is ultimately about family and laughter giving than receiving being thankful and grateful for everything I have, but since family is such an important thing to me at Christmas and  I'm not just talking giving superficial things like gifts, I want to spend it with all of them, give a large chunk of myself to sit round the breakfast and dinner table and unless I cut myself into 4 pieces its never going to happen The pass few years  have been spent dividing time between them all rushing back and forth trying to please everyone, Christmas didn't feel special it felt like a chore. This year I decided it was going to be different it wasn't going to feel like a chore because it shouldn't, instead I tried to do everything to make it magical for a 2 year old but I didn't drag my backside to the shops quite the opposite I had to drag my sorry ass' to the doctors followed by the hospital because I've now been stuck in bed suffering from dehydration and an infection with my heart going even more crazy, 'take it easy you don't want to be ill for Christmas' the doctor said  I did have to slow down, burning the candle at all ends trying to make Christmas perfect is stupid,health is more important than any Christmas dinner or gift.

Health is the greatest gift anyone could ask for, a gift that we can give ourselves if we allow the exceptions of what Christmas should be like to fall by the wayside, real life isn't a movie and you just need to remember that, I definitely had to remember that, so its brought me  to share, these 2 simple tips it might not cure our health but mentally I hope they help of course just don't forget to spread some Christmas cheer by singing loud for all to hear.

 Your not Nigella Lawson as much as you would like to be

In a ideal world we all want to be as perfect as Nigella Lawson in our tight red dress presenting the best Christmas dish, washed down with Christmas cup cocktails followed by Nutella cheesecake, My husband has a huge crush on her so the pressures on every year for me to be perfect Nigella but sadly that doesn't always work when you don't have the time strength or energy there's no harm in picking up a turkey from the supermarket or my good old favourite pick up the phone and order a Chinese. In my opinion you don't always need a Christmas dinner to complete Christmas when your surrounded by family and love.

Give from the heart, it doesn't cost a penny.

Gifts from the heart are often cherished more,give yourself in ways your able,spend quality time with those you love from the comfort of your own home, those who care will understand and those who don't, don't matter, Christmas is all about kindness isn't it? Even frame a beautiful picture that you know will earn a special place in someone's heart and home if you can't be there in person at least a happy memory will.

Most importantly no matter how your heart is feeling don't let it ruin your Christmas if you surround yourself with laughter and kindness its a sure way to take your mind off how fast its beating.

Happy Christmas when It comes  ! Xx

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