Thursday 25 February 2016

stuck in chronic illness mode.

The dreaded alarm clock goes off, that nippy ringing on your bedside table or in my case on the window ledge because I would just constantly hit the snooze button, I would still get up turn it off and jump back into bed, it cannot be music or the radio because I would just lie there and listen to it as I slowly drop back off into a sleep even if it is the worst song in the world ...yep I am just not a morning person at all, you think to yourself it cannot be that time already you just feel like you drifted off, I'm one of these people who never dream Dougie is forever telling me everyone dreams you just don't remember it, but I swear I never dream. You've got a busy day at work ahead of you and you instantly wake up filled with dread another day is here it really is such a drag to get through a working day well rephrase it get up and ready, it's the end of February its cold and wet which just makes the whole situation  of getting out of bed even harder and if your like me you hit the snooze button like a million times before you actually prize yourself away from your warm cosy bed. You shower grab coffee eat breakfast, watch bbc breakfast I have to say am absolutely gutted Bill Tumble is leaving I think he's brilliant in the morning always so happy and smiley, in fact everyone on the TV is like that in the morning I would never get a job as a news girl because I just could not be bright and chatty first thing in the morning, catch up with the latest weather report with Carol I never actually pay attention to the weather instead check out what she's wearing, she always has colours on  that match the weather or a special time of year  if you haven't ever noticed its probably just me being so sad but that's the highlight of my morning, you slap on make up and your ready to take on the world.

Maybe you listen to music on your iPod, grab the metro as you board the bus or finish  that last chapter of your book, the bus is jam packed with everyone doing there own thing heading to there own  workplace , nobody ever speaks in the morning everyone has that blank tiered I cannot be bothered look on their faces. Maybe you listen to the local radio station and sing your heart out as you drive to work and your the complete opposite so full of life in the morning  or those who are super active cycle and run to work I salute you because I was always a zombie in the morning so how you do it I have no idea.

You finally get to work you search through the piles of laundry looking for a pair of scrubs that fit ,you pile your stuff into your locker grab a quick cuppa from the staff room  to set you up for your busy day ahead, it reaches lunch time you sit and have lunch with your colleagues and you think finally lunch time half way there, you stop for a couple of breathers throughout your day  things go wrong things go right , you stock up that shelf, answer the phone send that important email, you save life's, you teach, you sell whatever it is you do you complete your day bringing in the penny's to keep the wolfs from the door and the whole time you think in the back of your mind ' I'd rather be at home right now', spending time with  family, friends, children catching up on that last episode of hollyoaks you recorded or having a good cry at the notebook because romantic love story's are always a must on a cold wet day.

While we have all been there stuck at work dreaming of a lovely afternoon on the sofa , eating Ben and Jerry's ice cream with a cuppa,or a  cocktail in your hand on a sunny beach soaking up the sun for that golden tan or wishing your love life was as perfect as noah and allie's


But stop , We haven't all been there stuck in chronic illness mode were as ironic as it is you would give anything to even have a glimpse of that.

It's been 16 months since I was awaken by an alarm clock, yeah kians my alarm clock were he shouts loudly to let me know he's awake which turns to a cry and a moan ,but my actual alarm we all moan about routine ( been there and done it) but when you have no routine due to ill health it's totally different, although none of it's my fault and I would give anything to have a normal working heart I do have a choice in looking after my mental health because honestly trust me  you would loose your mind and go completely bonkers just having no routine.

When your everyday life is a waiting game, waiting on that pacemaker check, waiting on that appointment, that prescription, for 5 o'clock when the husband arrives home so you can have some adult conversation, the dishearted tears the next hour  that flashes up remember you have to take your medication it slowly becomes a very lonely place to find yourself in, you see everyone getting on with life, you get forgetting about, left behind I mean out of sight out of mind right ? I had no routine awake most nights with everything and anything running through my mind mostly it been what if I never get better and what if I never get back to work ? I would sleep through the day when Kians grandparents took him to give me a few hours because I was so exhausted with being awake most of the night, I would live in my pyjamas because really what was the point in getting dressed I had no where to go or be I could barely find the energy most days to even wash my hair, my emotions running crazy about everything and just feeling no closer to ever getting back to work and routine.

Basically I figured as much as we dream about more adventure or the next holiday routine is important people say life's to short to be stuck in the same dead end job the same life doing the same routine everyday and you should always want more and reach for the higher goal, but when illness effects your life  it completely changes the ball game and your plans establishing and maintaining any sort of routine is a challenge.

Its took awhile but Ive started getting up with Dougie no matter how tiered I am or how I feel, getting dressed even if its a pair of leggings and a baggy jumper, brushing my hair and Rimmels wake me up concealer  is a god send at covering up those dark circles forcing myself to eat breakfast because its the most important meal of the day and I never know when I will eat again having a toddler, and when I do have a good day taking Kian to that toddler group he enjoys or hitting the library, even just a walk for fresh air there's always going to be bad days those days were really you don't want to get up and slap on make up and stick to routine, am only human and nobody's perfect they days when you do just feel totally defeated and you act like a stroppy teenager who goes in a right huff because your letting yourself be defeated  as much as your trying not to although you refuse to admit it to anyone, there's times when your positive attitude just goes straight out the window and that's ok I guess everyone is aloud that am really trying hard to stay positive and have more positive  thoughts about the whole situation but it is hard when you don't see that light at the end of the tunnel it still feels so far away. I never planned to be a stay at home mum or planned  not to  be well enough to go back to work after he was born or even to end up with a pacemaker a year after he was born and even though I love spending time with Kian and  I love him from the bottom of my heart, I  had always planned to return to work provide for him and grow to miss him. I hold onto that hope everyday that things will get better and someday I get to experience that Monday feeling again

is that to much to ask? is it to much to just finally make it back to work and complete that shift ? bring home that pay slip or even come home knackered and exhausted longing for that  one day off  ? 

So the next time you moan about routine being stuck in that same office or dead end job just stop and think what its like to crave for some routine its not full of glamour or nice afternoon lunches, its really far from it, others would give anything to feel what  that Monday feeling is like even for a day.

                                                      Love and Hugs

                                                          Find me also

Sunday 21 February 2016

Review- With love Lucy

I have been completely overwhelmed with all the lovely things recently I have been receiving, when I started this blog as a diary to vent and throw all my feelings down as my way of coping I really didn't think It would hit off as much as it did, so here I am doing my first ever review I figured since businesses and lovely sellers have took the time to send me items that I would give something back by doing a review.

When I opened this package which was wrapped with such beautiful paper, Inside the bubble wrap was a lovely hand printed letter K and a tag for Kian With love Lucy

If your wondering who or what is with love Lucy ? then look no further  you will be met with the perfect gift with a real personal feel ( especially if your like me and love items for your child's room or home that has a real personal touch to it ) When we choose the name Kian I always liked unusual names that stuck out he would be the only Kian in his class at school etc but when it came to buying things, which I didn't think that far ahead you can never find anything with Kian. From lovely letters and plaques, to shiny stars and clouds to personalised scrabble photo frames there perfect for your own home or gifts.

I was so excited to receive my letter K for Kian ,I mean just look how perfect it is ! Choosing a design is hardwork I warn you now because there's so many colours and different designs to choose from, I really wanted it to stand out on Kians shelf but at the same time fit in with his theme of his room, so I went for a neutral colour and had it painted with some lovely white stars.

What I love most about with love Lucy is the detail and creativity that has went into her designs, with mothers day coming up they will make amazing gifts from that little person in your life to a mum, Auntie or grandma.

So if your looking for a real personalised touch to add to your little ones nursery or a special gift these handcrafted products will work a treat and if your like me with unusual kids name then you have finally found the right place to add a real personal touch to any nursery or room.


                                                              Love and hugs


                                                      Find me also -
                                                         living with ist uk

Saturday 20 February 2016

Just another heart Operation


When you know something already ,its obvious to you for so long but then when someone confirms it its like your suddenly hearing it for the first time it sinks in and suddenly its real,a little bit of sadness fills your heart.

My bloods came back and even though the infection hasn't spread into my blood or body which of course is a good thing my levels show there's something going on so I was placed on the list to have my pacemaker removed 2 days after my birthday Happy birthday to me not the way I had planned to spend the first few days of being 25 but  I guess not many people can say they got a new pacemaker as a late birthday present.

As we headed to the hospital Friday I had seen my own cardiologist the Friday before were he took some bloods and said he was away next Friday but that another cardiologist would see me, I felt so nervous at the thought of meeting a new cardiologist even though I have seen a few on the ward etc when I have been admitted I feel like he knows me and I know him, he's done all my ep studies, ablations and my pacemaker so he knows my heart inside and out So I was extremely nervous about seeing a new one like to the point I couldn't focus in the waiting room  and it wasn't helped with the musical chairs of the old people jumping and moving from seat to seat !! Thinking to myself just sit down and stay in the one seat Dougie sat doing a cross word in the paper asking me stupid questions, I know he was just trying to take my mind off it all but honestly I just wanted it all over with.

The sadness when he confirmed he was adding me to his list in a weeks time to take it out wasn't just because its more surgery but a whole mix of emotions having to stay in hospital until the infection is gone to implant a new one on the opposite side, the fear of not having the pacemaker there to stop the pauses and slow rates and the worst part is having to leave Kian, it will be the longest I have ever been away from him, If any other mums are reading this then am sure you can imagine its always me and Kian and  he's strange with others, I have never left him that long and every time I have left him its been because of my heart which just makes the whole thing worse again because its not by choice and I have no control over any of it, then there's the recovery again I just wish I could fast forward it all. I feel like I have lost part of my youth as silly as it sounds but since the age of 21 its been none stop hospital checks, admissions and operations missing out on simple things that other people my age are doing.

'bad luck' he told me that its just one of these things that happens and there's nothing I could of done any different to stop it from happening very unlucky if you ask me when he said its only 2 in 800 people and I happened to be one of the two people that end up having it out so soon. It still feels so long away that I haven't started stressing or worrying about it all yet but I know all that will come, i am only human.  I hate being in hospital, I hate been away from home and my family and I just hate how its all just so unpredictable they don't know how long it will be before  the infections is gone and they can implant the new one.

I know I just need to get on with it all there's nothing I can do and as Dougie put it just enjoy the rest he told me to see it like a holiday were I burst out laughing its not ideal but I guess you just need to make the most out of a shit time. So on the 1st of March I will be saying goodbye to this pacemaker and starting a new friendship very soon with a new one.


                                                               Love and hugs

                                                            Find me also

Thursday 18 February 2016

Finding my Positive pants

Anyone who's not been following my blog or doesn't no me .. These passed few weeks I have lost my positive pants. Or as like to call it having zombie days I completely shut down and find things to distract myself from my feelings.

A mixture of failed ablations, set backs, not making it back to work (yet) I really will be well enough one day to do a shift, the inability to just be a mum to kian and get out and enjoy life, even that little glass of wine at the weekends because wine, antibiotics and painkillers apparently don't go well these are all just contributing factors to losing my positive pants.

Everyone is human and everyone has those off days (zombie days) , those days when things don't go right at work, our health suffers, shit really  hits the fan at home, relationships go downhill the kids stress you out, your hair doesn't sit right or the jeans don't fit you anymore, and life just feels pretty shit  however big or small the dilemma it's still a dilemma. 

Because I have been having such a blue spell, yeah things are rubbish at the moment, spending the whole of last week back and forth to see my cardiologist .. Yep after me moaning he turned up at the pacemaker clinic to see me himself so things weren't really all that bad, more antibiotics and bloods to determine how bad the infection is and wither my pacemaker needs to come out quickly or if it can wait a little .... Because guess what another thing to add into my blue spell I have kian to look after and it's not just as simple as being admitted to hospital and getting it out, Dougie works, parents work and are on holiday so really I can't take a baby with me to get the pacemaker out could You imagine  not to mention the recovery after, also finding out I'm allergic to nickel ... After having a whole 63 patches strapped to my back and been unable to wash for the entire week that's enough to make anyone blue  or in my case that week red because urg being allergic to nickel left me with a lovely red patch, which still doesn't explain my hands been badly broke out (dermatitis ) the dermatologist put it down to 'typical mum hands' them being washed to much or simply just being so stressed out or good old hormones do they always blame hormones when they don't know ? I guess again it's The unknowing  and everything being so unpredictable with my heart till I see my cardiologist Friday but having these blue spells or zombie days  makes you  appreciate  the little things in life and these small things have helped me on my quest to find my positive pants so today's post is all about those little things , And maybe you need some help finding some positive pants to.

Bath bombs 

Yep say what,!!!!! for anyone following me on Instagram my feed is constantly filled with lush bath bombs because I am madly obsessed and since friends and family know me so well christmas and birthdays are always filled with boxes of bath bombs

There is no better way to de stress than running some lovely warm water and when I say warm I mean just enough so am not cold hot water and my ticker just don't agree at all, lush bath bombs are just the best, they smell amazing make the water look so lovely and leave your skin feeling brilliant. Frozen and sex Bomb are my favourites and I even treat Kian to the lovely Ickle baby bot bath bomb ,the bubble bars are fantastic too they make so many bubbles and who doesn't love bubbles, Light your candles because candles  make the atmosphere that bit more relaxing, finally strip off and relax allow  time to sit and enjoy I like reading but even some music anything that floats your boat the way it looks and feels will just make you feel that little bit better. And don't forget heart spoonie's taking some water in with you really does help to control the ticker

Cuddle your pets.

This one is so true I have a cat called Tinkerbell who was a rescue cat and I have had her for 5 years. It's shocking we actually don't know her age but she's a Norwegian Forrest cat they say pets are like there owners and this couldn't be more true when we first got her and took her to the vets they checked her heart because yep you guessed it these type of cats end up with heart problems  When me and Dougie went looking for a cat I thought omg it's so hard to pick when there's so many looking for a home how can I possibly pick,  but as soon as I spotted her I wanted her, she's big fluffy and playful, and to pick that one cat who could end up having heart problem I thought was crazy, everything happens for a reason  why was I  so drawing to her ? , was this the reason  because she could end up with heart problems to , granted sometimes our fur babies don't want to be cuddled and this makes the situation that little bit more difficult and  there's been times when I have held Tinkerbell's huge fluffy body next to mine and  and she just struggles free even trying to bribe her with cat treats were she will go off and do her own thing but thankful as a whole pets are game for some love.on days i feel blue Tinkerbell just gives a good sense of well being with her tickly whiskers and lovely purr.

A disco nap

I cannot believe I am saying this but it's quite important to find your positive pants  without sleep everything seems so much worse when I don't get sleep I'm honestly a nightmare, the worlds going to end nightmare were everything and anything just makes me want to cry, they are essential to feel that little bit better and to recharge your batteries so grab your favourite throw  relax and shut your eyes on the sofa allow it if your body is asking for it ,trust me when sleeping at all is an issue  you'd give anything for a nap i have forgot what a nap is being a mum but if I ever do get half an hour 5 minutes then that's the first thing I do.

Comfy clothes.

Kick off those shoes take your bra off life is so much better without a bra and grab some comfy loose non restricted clothes for me it's always pyjamas I think I have more pyjamas than clothes and good old primark is fab for Disney and fluffy PJ's I always buy them 1 or 2 sizes bigger why?  Because baggy clothes allows your body time to breathe, I also love cosy bedtime socks I'm such a cold person Yep even when I go abroad I always have jumpers stashed in my suitcase for at night were Dougie always screws up his face at me saying u can't possible be that cold , you will always find me at home in PJ's no make up on and my hair loose and down its not a fashion statement it's a must on a blue day.

Mate date

Make time for your best friend when your having a bad day, life gets busy and things get in the way and there will be times when you don't see each other at the drop of a hat but do you know what don't assume there to busy reach out anyway, if your able to meet for some lunch or a cuppa and a chat at short notice than fab if not its okay texting remember this person earned the title bestie for a reason don't be afraid to rope them into your mission of finding your positive pants.


Ok if your reading this post and thinking I haven't got time your already defeated and you may never find your positive pants again you do have time sometimes you just have to create it make way for you your just as important as the house been tidy dinner being on the table, in my case Kian making it to toddler group, that last important email, can all wait grab a nice face mask or some nail polish I mean how can you feel ur ultimate best if you don't look it right ? I love getting my eyebrows waxed another thing I am obsessed with and a huge pet hate of mine  is messy unshaped eyebrows I would happily have hairy legs because it's winter who sees them anyway or in my case when I have ended up in hospital I feel my face going red thinking please don't look at the state of my legs  but it's a huge no to messy eyebrows so  this week I treated myself booked an appointment and went and got them done instead of doing them myself, just really take some  uninterrupted girly me time. Trust me it works.

Time out

When I say time out I mean time out turn your phone off switch off social media stay in your own zone free yourself of others who want your time even if it's for half an hour in this time everything can wait your not a mother girlfriend or a wife you are you read a chapter of your book and I picked up , since it was Valentine's Day (no one ever has sex on a Tuesday ) I am huge sucker for romantic love stories and this book had me in fits of laughter from page 1 crap a cuppa or a hot chocolate read your favourite blog  or catch up on that recorded program you fancied watching, cake and chocolate also help so allow yourself a nice treat.

Get out the house

Sometimes just been stuck in really frustrates me, the house feels a mess your sick of looking at the same walls a tempered toddler climbing and jumping on everything in sight I constantly feel like am saying no to him were he shakes his head and does it again anyway, getting out works wonders, take a walk to the park sit on the bench and just watch the world go by it really does just lift and boast your mood and makes you forget for that few minutes I go in my own little world and always come home abit more happier and positive.

Don't forget the biggest one is to smile and laugh, smiling and laughing is the key to finding your positive pants put on a comedy anything that makes you laugh I always smile looking at my wedding pictures remembering how beautiful that day was and how happy I was on that lovely  summers day Scotland's always full of rain enough to make anyone blue but that day was full of sunshine I really felt like a princess , or pictures when Kian was born again I had such a rubbish crap time being induced 3 times 3 weeks early because of my heart and health but that day he was born it was all lifted and just a distant memory in the back of my mind because I had my beautiful boy and looking back things do get better, there's always something positive out there sometimes you just have to search that little bit harder to find it on your mission to find your positive pants, life really isn't all that bad. So kiss goodbye to those zombie days and try out some of my tips and find your positive pants and get your mojo back.

What do you do to feel better ??

                                                          Love and hugs


Find me also

Sunday 7 February 2016

A moment of weakness

 I have pushed myself so hard to write this today, but I am determined to document how bad things are at the moment and of course have a good old moan with you guys who am sure most of you can relate to how shit things can be so fancy joining in my moan, grab a large cuppa because I think i may not stop once I start.

Ok as I hate to admit it and rarely do If I'm being honest  I have been feeling much worse these passed few weeks, and do you want me to be even more honest ? I naively thought that things would be better and I wouldn't be letting my heart rule my life, wither it be managing it all better or in the hope it just disappeared as much as I wish it would. I have spent the whole week pushing myself physically and mentally to ignore  it all and get on with it  as much as I can, trying not to moan, trying to just lead a normal life, trying to avoid the doctors basically counting down the days till I see my cardiologist, after being at the hospital last week and not feeling any further forward the same confused look, yep clearly the on call cardiologist had no clue whats so ever to explain the way I was feeling am sure many can relate to that same confused look without actually saying I have no clue it's easier to just pack you on your way with a 24 hour tape in the hope they don't come across you  again,  things just got a whole lot worse this week  getting out of bed has been a challenge I'm completely fine lying down and as soon as I get up am wiped out my heart racing the chest pain and the awful symptoms that come along with it all, exhausted isn't even the word for it now, walking to the shops the other day I said to Dougie I could physically lie in the field and go to sleep and that's what I have spent this week doing.. maybe not lying in the field ha ha as much as I want to, but spending my week lying in bed feeling completely sorry for myself and the worst one not knowing what's really going on ,phoning the  hospital appointment line on Friday morning to check the time of my appointment, thinking my cardiologist  appointment was next week I was informed by a rude snotty lady on the phone who stated I had in fact missed my appointment and it was yesterday morning were I was told  my next appointment is booked for May, I cant remember exactly what I said I was shocked its not like me to miss and forget urgent appointments but something along the lines of I cant wait till May were she told me I had missed numerous appointments there was nothing they could do... I have never in my life missed an appointment so have no clue were she pulled that one from, but feeling so bad I would forget my own head if it wasn't screwed on, I swear when I feel this way I forget what I said to Dougie 5 minutes ago, hanging up the phone I decided to phone his own secretory, were I wasn't any further forward with an appointment before May he's simply to busy , and it was my own fault for missing the appointment, if anything bugs me is rude Secretaries and doctor receptionists. When did they get a medical degree ? or even know your medical history ?  I sometimes think you have to be ignorant and rude to get the job as one, I mean we all understand our doctors are busy and I never ever ask to see him in such a manner but even some advice would be nice instead of meeting doctors who look at you like u have huge horns on your head, as I came off the phone I had to fight back the tears thinking, lets count down again a whole 12 weeks which feels like a lifetime when you feel as bad as you do soul destroying isn't it ?  I have no quality of life at the moment, Going back to work just seems further away because of how bad things have got, Dougie had to inform me that basically I had to take a  look were being nice, patient and getting on with things got me  ?absolutely no where, but I didn't need someone reminding me of this and also the long talk of, if if I had actually admitted how bad I was feeling instead of saying I feel fine, then people would of helped out more and he's completely  right but I hate feeling like I'm moaning or going on about how rubbish I do feel so I never do admit it. And the worst part of it all my doctor was going to write in January to get me seen sooner and it was me stupidly saying it's fine I can deal with it till febuary.

Waking up on Saturday Dougie decided to phone nhs 24 were he lied on the phone, bad I know but he knew if he said everything that was going on they would probably send me to a&e which is whats happened in the passed or the ambulance rolls up because of my past heart history which I just don't want at all and don't feel I need it  I really hate going to hospital and again hate the confused looks and the way they make you feel like your wasting there time because they have no clue and many haven't even heard of ist , they do absolute nothing that you couldn't do yourself  at home and having Kian well I can picture him racing  up and down a&e as he now runs everywhere at any chance he gets, bribing him, as bad as it sounds with crisps and food just to get him to behave .. And if you try and get him to do anything he doesn't want to which would probably be staying in the one place he would throw a major paddy as I like to call it or temper tantrum .. So I would also look like the mum who can't control her son and  let him get his own way which isn't true but sometimes it's not worth the fighting of the huge blow out screaming and throwing himself to the floor were half the time I do just give in to him because its exhausting anyone with toddlers will know how stubborn they can be the face of a baby but the temper of a teenager Giving an appointment at the out of hours explaining everything he looked at my wound which  I knew myself I have a lovely keloid scar .. Sexy another thing to add to how rubbish things really are, not just having a scar and a pacemaker along with a dodgy ticker, but a raised horrible red keloid scar, taking my temperature which was high he started asking me is there anything else to explain the temperature ? Feeling frustrated no I haven't had a bug or even a cold just a very sore arm and the pacemaker area hurts like hell as well as feeling faint and dizzy, he sat confused saying he expected a young girl to walk in with a tiny cut but didn't expect this which was probably Dougie's fault for lying making out it was just a tiny thing, he decided the easiest thing would be to give me antibiotics and to see my GP Monday, but was it the right thing to do, as I sat there all that was going through my head was please don't send me to A&E, please just prescribe me antibiotics, because again you have no clue like everyone else, and it's all a guessing game, I mean really it's frustrating being pushed from pillar to post with no one having a clue what's going on, so the two theories are, I do have an infection or my pacemaker position is not great and maybe on a nerve, and is it my blood pressure dropping making me feel dizzy or the pacemaker not pacing my heart how it should ? so many questions with no answers because he just didn't know.

I spent the rest of yesterday lying in bed feeling floored, Dougie turning up the heating for Kian after his bath that just made me feel even worse,  if I didn't feel sick before I  definitely did now not to mention feeling a total failure lying in bed while poor Dougie done everything again, Do you ever feel like everyone is doing everything to help but actually they do things that's least helpful, or maybe its to do with feeling so rubbish, but being told you need to get fit, loose weight just get your act together shake it off all of which have been said to me the last few days from family members is just upsetting ... actually I take that back ignorant comments no longer offend you, you brush it off because you would love nothing more to get your act together but your body just doesn't allow it the fact that people cant see how much your suffering just by looking means its inevitable as sad as it is, but if they were to look closer then maybe they would see how much you grieve for the life you did have and how much you are suffering.

   When your frustrated with me because of the things I can't do, just imagine how frustrated I must be because i'm not able.....

  Today I found myself lying again saying to Dougie  I feel fine so he would go to the football which he had tickets for knowing if I admit am not feeling great he wouldn't go it's easier just to lie and say it's all fine which is something I have found I'm very good at which am sure every ist sufferer  could all win an oscar for, putting a fake smile on and just getting on with it, I would just feel even worse if  he didn't go as dougie deserves a life too, not just looking and worrying about me so today kian's at his nanas while I have laid around doing nothing just trying my hardest to shake this horrible feeling and hopefully get somewhere tomorrow  or wither I will find myself again just feeling frustrated and fed up and being no further forward, It all just gets to much sometimes the emotional pain physically hurts being strong just feels unachievable knowing there's never going to be a happy ending is heart wrenching , longing and grieving for the life you used to have, anger sadness and self pity take hold ,a dark cloud hanging over you, and the weight of the world on your shoulders not known what the future holds,  yesterday l allowed myself to feel this way and  I will pick myself back up tomorrow, but for now I'm allowing myself to feel defeated 💔

 I hate filling up my blog feed with so much negativity all though I feel like my heart is really kicking me down at the moment, I WILL find a way to achieve the little things in life.  How do you all deal with the bad days feeling like your getting no were and overcome hurtles that appear in your life ?

                                                                   Love and hugs

                                                          find me also on
                                                             Living with Ist uk

Wednesday 3 February 2016

Things having a bad heart has taught me

Being diagnosed with any chronic condition teaches you a lot of things in life, that without the struggles you wouldn't have been blessed and rewarded with the more positive and brighter things in life, When I was first diagnosed with my dodgy ticker I always found myself focusing on all the negatives, it really felt like my whole world had came crashing down, I couldn't see anything good in life, I was still the same person inside but it felt like my life had been stolen right in front of me not just physically with my heart, the fainting, unable to walk without breathlessness, but mentally, things I enjoyed and loved I just couldn't do or  the things I still could do I lost interest in,
You learn a new scale of pain and the inside out of the hospital from the sneaky shortcuts to when the nurses change shift to being in the same clinic and ward finding yourself looking at the same staff members who looked after you before, you grieve for abilities and opportunity's that you lost and so much more,  I found myself consumed by anger, sadness self pity and the worst one jealously, forever questioning why my heart couldn't be fixed, and it would only be made worse on the days of my ablations seeing  everyone else come back to the ward  and it was all a quick fix yet mine just couldn't be, I never understood and questioned why me ?  I  found It really hard to except it all, just hoping one day that would be me with a normal working heart,but without the struggles, I wouldn't have found some amazing friends or done half the things I have achieved. Look through each cloud for the silver lining and instead of focusing on all the negatives look for the positives that having a chronic illness has brought you.... And yeah you guessed it spoonies grab a cuppa, sit back, relax and here's some of the positive things having heart problems have taught me.

What True love really is

If it's there you've most likely discovered the meaning of true love, when you find that someone who fetches your medication in the middle of the night, sits till all hours in the night /morning as you lie on a hospital trolley holding your hand and doesn't leave your side, hugs you tight yet softly ,dresses and washes you when your unable to do it yourself, when they still say they love you even though yet again you have barely spent anytime together as you've spent most of it in bed or slumped on the sofa,when that someone looks into your eyes before surgery and says you will be fine, I love you, sees you at your worst, and mine has to be throwing up all over Dougie's brand new car after leaving hospital, having a chronic illness really puts a relationship to a whole new level and test, but if having heart problems has taught me anything Is the meaning of true love, poor Dougie does everything for me when I'm at my worst, like when I was in hospital and there was talk if my heart didn't increase at all with exercise my pacemaker couldn't wait and needed done right away, I had Dougie leaving work to bring me in a razor... I sound so vain considering I was in hospital with a heart rate of 36bpm and could barely stand up without passing out, but it was a must that I couldn't have my legs on show without them being shaved, and after my pacemaker I had him watching You Tube videos of putting hair up, because I couldn't do it... And that's true love right there for you, or Dougie might tell you a little different that he would never have heard the end of it if he didn't ha ha.

Compassion, when you experience a hardship, it makes you more empathetic to others

Living with an invisible illness yourself will have taught you that not all suffering and illness is visible and noticeable, you don't judge or comment when someone walks from their car parked in the disabled bay into the shop, even though there not in a wheelchair, that person may have chronic fatigue and struggle to make it back to that same car and bay later.You smile and let the woman who asks to go in front of you in the ladies toilets as despite appearances, you know she might have an invisible illness and needs the bathroom more desperate than you do. You don't judge when the man on the bus doesn't get up and give you his seat,  because maybe he needs it more than you do just because you don't see his swollen legs doesn't mean he's not hurting, that's compassion and without having problems yourself you wouldn't have looked at things from that perspective, you treat others how you yourself would like to be treated.

You form friendships with people sharing the same battle.

Without the struggles and illness you wouldn't be blessed with meeting others who are suffering exactly like you are, these people become great friends because they understand what it's like more than anyone else does or can imagine, I have been so lucky and found some amazing brilliant people in my life through the amazing support groups online, it's so nice when you go to an appointment have a bad day. or on the day of a test or procedure you have them at the end of a phone and they know exactly how you feel because they have been there done it and wore the Tshirt

Being grateful for the good days and small things .

Having a bad heart  makes you appreciate the good days you do have its so unpredictable you never know what it will be like from one day to the next, but the days your heart does  behave you appreciate and cherish that day, wither it be sitting on the sofa or hitting the shops, you make the most of the good days you do have and the small things that come along with it and when I say small things its always something simple like managing that shower or drying your hair.

 Courage,You are stronger than you think.

Having heart problems teaches you how strong You really are not everyone could deal with the things you have, so without it you would never have seen how strong you truly are and you know you can deal with anything that life throws your way.

The biggest lesson, I have leaned is what it's like to have a heart problem and the change its made to my whole life, things may take me longer, than an average person but it's not a race, it doesn't matter if you walk or crawl as long as you cross the finish line, achieve everything you've set out to do, don't let your problems take over the life you do have even if some days are harder than others there is always something good out there some days you just have to search that little bit harder.

What has having Heart problems or chronic illness taught you,?? I would love to hear some of yours


                                                                         Love and Hugs

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