Thursday 25 February 2016

stuck in chronic illness mode.

The dreaded alarm clock goes off, that nippy ringing on your bedside table or in my case on the window ledge because I would just constantly hit the snooze button, I would still get up turn it off and jump back into bed, it cannot be music or the radio because I would just lie there and listen to it as I slowly drop back off into a sleep even if it is the worst song in the world ...yep I am just not a morning person at all, you think to yourself it cannot be that time already you just feel like you drifted off, I'm one of these people who never dream Dougie is forever telling me everyone dreams you just don't remember it, but I swear I never dream. You've got a busy day at work ahead of you and you instantly wake up filled with dread another day is here it really is such a drag to get through a working day well rephrase it get up and ready, it's the end of February its cold and wet which just makes the whole situation  of getting out of bed even harder and if your like me you hit the snooze button like a million times before you actually prize yourself away from your warm cosy bed. You shower grab coffee eat breakfast, watch bbc breakfast I have to say am absolutely gutted Bill Tumble is leaving I think he's brilliant in the morning always so happy and smiley, in fact everyone on the TV is like that in the morning I would never get a job as a news girl because I just could not be bright and chatty first thing in the morning, catch up with the latest weather report with Carol I never actually pay attention to the weather instead check out what she's wearing, she always has colours on  that match the weather or a special time of year  if you haven't ever noticed its probably just me being so sad but that's the highlight of my morning, you slap on make up and your ready to take on the world.

Maybe you listen to music on your iPod, grab the metro as you board the bus or finish  that last chapter of your book, the bus is jam packed with everyone doing there own thing heading to there own  workplace , nobody ever speaks in the morning everyone has that blank tiered I cannot be bothered look on their faces. Maybe you listen to the local radio station and sing your heart out as you drive to work and your the complete opposite so full of life in the morning  or those who are super active cycle and run to work I salute you because I was always a zombie in the morning so how you do it I have no idea.

You finally get to work you search through the piles of laundry looking for a pair of scrubs that fit ,you pile your stuff into your locker grab a quick cuppa from the staff room  to set you up for your busy day ahead, it reaches lunch time you sit and have lunch with your colleagues and you think finally lunch time half way there, you stop for a couple of breathers throughout your day  things go wrong things go right , you stock up that shelf, answer the phone send that important email, you save life's, you teach, you sell whatever it is you do you complete your day bringing in the penny's to keep the wolfs from the door and the whole time you think in the back of your mind ' I'd rather be at home right now', spending time with  family, friends, children catching up on that last episode of hollyoaks you recorded or having a good cry at the notebook because romantic love story's are always a must on a cold wet day.

While we have all been there stuck at work dreaming of a lovely afternoon on the sofa , eating Ben and Jerry's ice cream with a cuppa,or a  cocktail in your hand on a sunny beach soaking up the sun for that golden tan or wishing your love life was as perfect as noah and allie's


But stop , We haven't all been there stuck in chronic illness mode were as ironic as it is you would give anything to even have a glimpse of that.

It's been 16 months since I was awaken by an alarm clock, yeah kians my alarm clock were he shouts loudly to let me know he's awake which turns to a cry and a moan ,but my actual alarm we all moan about routine ( been there and done it) but when you have no routine due to ill health it's totally different, although none of it's my fault and I would give anything to have a normal working heart I do have a choice in looking after my mental health because honestly trust me  you would loose your mind and go completely bonkers just having no routine.

When your everyday life is a waiting game, waiting on that pacemaker check, waiting on that appointment, that prescription, for 5 o'clock when the husband arrives home so you can have some adult conversation, the dishearted tears the next hour  that flashes up remember you have to take your medication it slowly becomes a very lonely place to find yourself in, you see everyone getting on with life, you get forgetting about, left behind I mean out of sight out of mind right ? I had no routine awake most nights with everything and anything running through my mind mostly it been what if I never get better and what if I never get back to work ? I would sleep through the day when Kians grandparents took him to give me a few hours because I was so exhausted with being awake most of the night, I would live in my pyjamas because really what was the point in getting dressed I had no where to go or be I could barely find the energy most days to even wash my hair, my emotions running crazy about everything and just feeling no closer to ever getting back to work and routine.

Basically I figured as much as we dream about more adventure or the next holiday routine is important people say life's to short to be stuck in the same dead end job the same life doing the same routine everyday and you should always want more and reach for the higher goal, but when illness effects your life  it completely changes the ball game and your plans establishing and maintaining any sort of routine is a challenge.

Its took awhile but Ive started getting up with Dougie no matter how tiered I am or how I feel, getting dressed even if its a pair of leggings and a baggy jumper, brushing my hair and Rimmels wake me up concealer  is a god send at covering up those dark circles forcing myself to eat breakfast because its the most important meal of the day and I never know when I will eat again having a toddler, and when I do have a good day taking Kian to that toddler group he enjoys or hitting the library, even just a walk for fresh air there's always going to be bad days those days were really you don't want to get up and slap on make up and stick to routine, am only human and nobody's perfect they days when you do just feel totally defeated and you act like a stroppy teenager who goes in a right huff because your letting yourself be defeated  as much as your trying not to although you refuse to admit it to anyone, there's times when your positive attitude just goes straight out the window and that's ok I guess everyone is aloud that am really trying hard to stay positive and have more positive  thoughts about the whole situation but it is hard when you don't see that light at the end of the tunnel it still feels so far away. I never planned to be a stay at home mum or planned  not to  be well enough to go back to work after he was born or even to end up with a pacemaker a year after he was born and even though I love spending time with Kian and  I love him from the bottom of my heart, I  had always planned to return to work provide for him and grow to miss him. I hold onto that hope everyday that things will get better and someday I get to experience that Monday feeling again

is that to much to ask? is it to much to just finally make it back to work and complete that shift ? bring home that pay slip or even come home knackered and exhausted longing for that  one day off  ? 

So the next time you moan about routine being stuck in that same office or dead end job just stop and think what its like to crave for some routine its not full of glamour or nice afternoon lunches, its really far from it, others would give anything to feel what  that Monday feeling is like even for a day.

                                                      Love and Hugs

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