Sunday 31 July 2016

The reality of living with scars, Bio-oils #scarsuncovered campaign

Throwing on my bikini the image that stared back at me from the tall mirror was something I had tried to avoid daily,  In fact since the 3rd of November I had succeeded pretty well. I avoided it in every way possible, by covering up with clothes, avoiding mirrors but now I was confronted by it, all I could see was hate, I hated the three ugly raised scars across my chest, instead of lying by the pool in Italy wearing a bikini  I covered up, I was to afraid and embarrassed anyone would notice or comment on my scars.

Not only do I feel really uncomfortable noticing the outline of the pacemaker and the scars, touching them is out of the question not just because physically  they look ugly, mentally it's painful to look at them, it brings back all the horrible memories of every hard painful moment,every life changing decision.

'the hardest part is knowing the scars didn't mean I was fixed they were a small mark but in my eyes a large mark to help me lead a normal life'

Why should I feel embarrassed or ashamed of them and in reality I shouldn't there a huge part of me, each one tells a unique story that represents what I indured  and overcome, that without them I wouldn't be were I am today, but when I did finally pluck the courage to show them off I was met with cruel hurtful comments that really hit my self esteem big time.

'Having someone refer to your chest as horrible and a mess it's hard to respond skilfully to that comment when all your eyes do see is a mess and your mind just feels hate'

That scar causes physical and emotional pain everyday for me and I hate to admit this but when it was confirmed I had nerve damage and the pain specialist prescribed me lidocaine patches to help numb the area been giving a huge patch to cover the scars up by a doctor was ideal because it was like I did have an excuse to keep them hidden. It was easy in winter because the cold was an excuse  but when the hot weather started to arrive everyone close to me would question why I wont  take my jacket off  and of course I didn't want to admit to hide my scars, that would lead to so many questions that mentally I felt I couldn't bring myself to answer, I didn't have to lie anymore a doctor had prescribed me a patch which physically eased the pain, which meant mentally I didn't have to look at them, I didn't have to fear others seeing them.

Even though a few weeks back I witnessed that there are some cruel horrible people out there, there are also kind ones too and this week I was touched with a letter from the wonderful ladies at Pegasus  not only did they send me bottles of bio oil and who doesn't love bio oil right ? I practically bathed in the stuff when I was pregnant because yes I  feared stretch marks but I had a beautiful baby boy they marks brought me so much joy and happiness so it was like they were irelvent , I could embrace them. The letter enclosed brought me so much comfort because for once I didn't feel alone anymore, there are other woman out there who feel exactly like I do, it was completely normal to feel that hiding they scars under clothes meant they were out of sight out of mind and shockingly that number is more than half the woman out there.

Bio-oil have started the mission #scarsuncovered as they believe nobody should be made to feel they have to cover up, accepting a scar is an important part of coming to terms with what happened in order to move on. Which is why I am showing off my scars,  if I can do anyone can  imperfection is individuality after all in a crazy sort of way they scars do actually make me smile because the hurt is over for now.

Your a solider your scars are your medals so polish them off with bio-oil, and I have 3 free bottles up for grabs so there's no excuses all you have to do is watch the video below and comment below with the answer to this question,

What does Laura do at the end of the video ?

But there's a catch because I would love to see your pictures too so don't forget to upload and #scarsuncovered and join me and many other beautiful ladies on bio-oils amazing campaign, winner will be choosing at random on the 13/8/16

Products sent to me for the purpose of this post & giveaway by the lovely people at Pegasus


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Thursday 14 July 2016

'You know you will have this pain for the rest of your life' he said

As I stared at the 2 sheets of paper My eyes met the question on a score from 1 to 10 what's your pain ? as the doctor called my name I was so grateful he called when he did, it stopped me from having to circle my pain was a 10 because I wouldn't of circled that 10.

 filling in a sheet to describe my pain felt physically difficult for me,  I wasn't in a wheelchair or looked in agonizing pain like everyone else did that day in fact the complete opposite I was pulling a toddler on reins who point blank refused to move,  how can you circle on that blank human body a scar that is tattooed on your own body? you can't even circle your heart  because that blank diagram doesn't even display a heart, maybe I should  circled my head instead because was I imagining that the pain was still there, what if I was just a big baby ?

Since the day I got my pacemaker removed I have suffered with pain, my cardiologist didn't know why, the pacemaker was gone yet I suffered pain everyday , he believed me and was understanding when they salty tears dripped down my face as I told him I couldn't cope with this pain anymore.

  There are mornings I wake up and the pain's not there, there are time's I go to work and its gone, its during these times I question maybe I am just a big baby, but it doesn't last without fail that pain comes back and hits me like a wrecking ball taking my happiness with it and it reminds me I'm not a big baby.

Sitting in the office with the pain specialist who was now examining my scars and chest, as he grabbed a swab pushing and testing parts asking what it felt like, he confirmed something that had been mentioned before but having someone confirm it makes it suddenly become real, my nerves in my chest were permanently damaged, hearing you know your going to have this pain for the rest of your life makes it even more devastating. I didn't say anything instead I laughed it off but they words were painful, It feels like you've been giving a life sentence and at the age of 25 a very long life sentence knowing i'm going to spent the rest of my life in this pain.


As he looked at kian he asked if he was my only child, were what followed next made the whole situation even more devastating, if I do want more children they will have to be planned in advance with  a plan set up for my pregnancy, and I will have to suffer the pain without medication because the medication would cause extreme abnormalities to a child.

Having more children is something I have always dreamed of, I'm  a huge believer in one child is a lonely child, and growing up with a younger brother we had our fights but we were always joined at the hip, but  the thought of being in pain everyday frightens me, would  I cope a week let alone a whole year ? Not that another baby is on the cards anytime soon but it was in the future, yet I feel like that future I wanted is slowly getting snatched away from me.

People keep telling me I shouldn't have another child with the way my health is or that I should be grateful I have a healthy child, because some people can't have any, I'm incredibly grateful that I was giving the greatest gift of a healthy baby boy, but it's my  life and my choice and why should I let my health problems stop me. I know people try and say things to help or because they care but you feel like there making a choice for you when it's not there's to make your left feeling angry because  its not them that sits through every growth scan, its me, its me that has to make the hard decisions it's me that has to sit while they check the babies heart its me that lies in bed every night hoping and praying everything will be ok.

I'm trying to be positive but really I want to hide under a duvet with a huge tub of ice cream, I'm devastated all I keep thinking have I not been through enough ? Have I not had my fair share of bad luck ?  Does the struggle ever end  when will things be ok ? After each of the 5 heart operations I have had in the passed 3 years I always think the pain and heartache will be over but it never is.

I'm tiered of being in pain tiered of being unwell and tiered of being broken, but I do know I have to plod on with life, as us Scottish lassies would say it will  be aw right hen.

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Thursday 7 July 2016

truth is I really have no bloody clue what am doing as a mum

I have a smiley happy little boy who is 20 months old from the outside I appear to know what I'm doing. He's always happy smiling , saying ta,. Shares everything and our life in pictures appears like  I have motherhood sussed. I have managed to get to this stage and look after another human being which for me is brilliant, it's not resulted in what happened when I had fish, yep I killed them all by over feeding them seriously no joke, I share many pictures on social media of my life as a mum and my beautiful boy and apparently I must give this illusion that I do really do know what am doing.

Because I receive so many comments and emails off other mums asking for advice, since it appears like I'm some sort of Mary Poppins with my spoon full of sugar or good old super nanny who knows how to handle every shit situation calmly I'm not and truthfully most days I have no clue what the hell am actually doing.

Nobody does,every day is a school day and everyday is different  and I'm learning and figuring it all out like everyone else is , sometimes things go great and I do think maybe I have this shit together but  some days things go horribly wrong and on occasions I have left a battlefield and stormed out the front door leaving poor Dougie to deal with a tempered toddler lying face down into the kitchen floor screaming because I wouldn't let him eat the cat food and  I considered how much a flight to neverland would cost were I wouldn't need to be a growing up anymore.

Motherhood is bloody hard work, from teething to temper tantrums, sleepless nights, to them learning to move around, everything becomes so much worse which you didn't think could happen because everyone tells you it gets easier, your home no longer looks like something out a Laura Ashley catalogue, instead it's full of toys , stupid tents and of course we can't forget the nippy vtech  cars that seem to randomly sing there stupid tune after you stand on them trying to carry a sleeping child to bed.

A huge word of advice don't read social media were there's the perfect mum who makes dinner and breakfast every morning from scratch, who's kids are nicely dressed everyday without a mark to be seen, who's child is so advance they're smarter than Stephan Hawkins and that perfect mum's hair is always perfectly washed, a full face of make up as she's skipping to work with her designer handbag placed over her shoulders.

Honest mums are the best, they will tell you that time they had forget to strap the child in the buggy and they fell out, or the times they fell off the sofa, they will tell you the times were they lost there temper and raised there voice but felt terrible about it and locked there self in the toilet afterwards and cried until they realised the child was standing at the other side of the door laughing and smiling

They will tell you that they called there child nippy and occasionally wish they had never had children . They will tell you that sausage roll from good old Gregg's with some beans and an apple after it is acceptable.They will tell you the heartache they feel when they loose there cool because sometimes it is hard.

They will tell you Nobody is a perfect mum they don't have all the answers and being a mums bloody  hard work, Honest mums are the best because when they re done being honest about all the shit times you laugh together and then celebrate and talk about all the good times.

I've tried and failed at many things in life but I will never stop giving 100% at being the best mum I can be

Because motherhood is like anything you will have good and bad days and although its tough and something I say a lot its even tougher when you don't have the best of health but being giving the title mum is the greatest thing in the world and its something I would never change, although I hate to admit it the day I found out I was pregnant I cried my eyes out saying to my husband my life's over which we now laugh about . From the moment I gave birth to Kian and held him I felt like my life had a purpose. As I stared at him for hours as he slept I knew my life had changed forever, that I would forever love and protect him. Watching them grow right before your eyes and develop into there own little character who gives you cuddles and smiles when they see you is just beautiful. as you teach them you see there little minds process all the information, you watch them learn and grow and the pride you feel when you see them achieve is brilliant. As Kian is slowly getting closer to his 2nd birthday I suddenly find myself thinking back to that tiny baby who I cradled in my arms every night and part of me doesn't want to let go of that baby who is now a toddler because when did that happen time really does fly when your having fun. The other week at soft play Kian came walking over to me at the table and he cuddled me tightly, I didn't want to let go I wanted to hold onto that moment because I know eventually it will reach a stage were he's not that little Caterpillar, he will turn into that beautiful butterfly that will eventually fly away and not want to cuddle me like that anymore.

I love him and I try my best everyday but I still freely admit I have no bloody clue what am doing but what mum can say they have it all sussed not even that perfect mum who hides behind social media acting like she does because 100 percent guaranteed she doesn't have a bloody clue either she's learning like the rest of us.

Honest mums are the most vital, they stop you going completely insane when you do see they perfect mums and you question if it's maybe just you that actually has no clue not to mention the amazing tricks and tips you can learn from they honest mums who freely admit it's not just you that doesn't have a clue.

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