Sunday 4 March 2018

August Baby ! (I'm having another baby)

I had big hopes when I first found out I was pregnant,big hopes to write and document every little detail of this pregnancy, I'd even started thinking that perhaps I could write a funny pregnancy with chronic illness book.

but it didn't happen, I'd get lost in my inner monologue, planning the different chapters and paragraphs but was half ( most) of the time to lazy and busy to actually put anything onto paper and well.. lets just say the first trimesters finished which was a bloody tough one with this dodgy ticker of mine but I thought it would still be nice to document it all anyway.

So for this blog post you will need to deal with my wonderful memories and reflections.

4 years ago in February I found out I was pregnant with Kian, he wasn't planned I was on the pill and was just a few weeks into recovery from my 2nd heart ablation but after a good pregnancy up until the 3rd trimester and a long process of induction and labour in November 2014 my perfect little boy was born. 

With all the obstacles we faced during my pregnancy with kian because of my heart condition I vowed never to have any more children, I was set in that.

When Kian was born my life turned upside down and dealing with the physical and emotional demands of motherhood was overwhelming tough, I pretty much decided one was all I could handle but over the years lots changed, I learnt how to juggle and balance life with work, my health and of course being a mum and my family became this new improved unit of three but in January last year me and Dougie decided we wanted to try for another baby.

I never thought for a second that I would be the girl who struggled to get pregnant, I just assumed it would happen straight away because why would you assume otherwise ?

Except every month that passed the disappointment would come because I wasn’t pregnant in those first few months I read that it sometimes takes a few months so we continued trying but nothing.. then I decided to loose weight, joined slimming world attapted a healthier lifestyle surly it will happen now ! 

... but it didn't  February March April May June.... 5 dark months the realisation that a second baby might never happen and then it was during the summer that my health problems flared up again and I was in and out of hospital so 'trying' for another baby got put on hold it was at this stage that I started to feel betrayed by my body because it was like it couldn't do anything right, I felt even more bloody disappointed in my body when It reached October and despite trying absolutely everything and loosing over 2 stone in weight I still wasn't pregnant instead the fainting spells were happening more frequently again and I was placed on the waiting list for more heart surgery. Something I also wasn’t prepared for was the jealously I would feel  anytime I had to congratulate friends on their pregnancy or when I would run into pregnant woman in the shops because that just reminded me that I wasn’t pregnant but how much I desperately wanted to be. 

Then at the start of December  it was a rainy Saturday afternoon, I had just left my purse in Sainsbury’s (can you blame baby brain when your 4 weeks pregnant or not?) I went back for my purse, which thankfully had been handed in got home, dumped my bags in the hallway, sat kian in front of the tv and ran into the toilet to pee on a stick. 

 At this stage I was only actually one day late but  I knew straight away I must be pregnant due to one Oh something’s going on here symptom! I had to keep running to the toilet to pee. A bladder that would really let me know that I must go straight away or I was going to pee myself and for someone who suffers from bladder retention and finds it extremely difficult to pee I knew something wasn’t right, a bladder that well, was clearly trying to let a girl know that there was a baby growing inside there.

Baby Urquhart no 2 was cooking I was pregnant.

We’re thrilled, but a little bit anxious we wanted to wait before we told Kian but unfortunately we couldn't at 6 weeks I had a scary bleed because of a Subchorionic Hematoma in my womb which lead to an early scan at the hospital were Kian was with us as the doctor pointed out the Baby and thankfully a heart beat so we had to tell him but he made us proud and kept it a secret from the rest of the world.

Being pregnant is a wonderful miracle but god almighty growing a tiny human is tiring work especially because I’ve had to stop all my heart medication which means I’ve really been struggling with my heart and also the stupid bloody fatigue that brings too.

Although the fast heart rate and the fainting is the most physical toughest thing to cope with by far the biggest hurdle is the loneliness having a chronic illness brings the absolute feeling of being completely alone knowing nothing can be done to help ease the symptoms that right now feel restless,feeling at my worst yet not being able to do a single thing about it either.

But with all that being said seeing our healthy active baby at the 12 week scan after the scare we had at the start of my pregnancy and knowing we could finally let the world in our secret was so bloody wonderful. 

Baby Urquhart is set to be a much welcomed addition to our family making his or her appearance in August 2018, it’s been one huge rollercoaster but a rollercoaster I wouldn’t change for the world. 

I’m so excited and happy to finally become a mum of two. 

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Tuesday 14 November 2017

The worlds less sparkly now - Nikki

Throughout my heart journey I’ve been blessed to make friends, some I’ve met online, some whilst I’ve been a patient in hospital. The first time time I spoke to Nikki was when she dropped me a message after my second heart ablation failed, I was hurting I was angry at the world, I felt like It was impossible to live life with a heart that couldn’t be fixed.

'Thank you for requesting to be my friend' she wrote after I sent her friend request on Facebook  "I know how it feels" was the message she sent me earlier that day. That message meant more than anything to me, it meant someone in this whole entire world understood what I was going through and suddenly I felt like maybe I could get through this. Nikki had a very magical way of understanding everything, a way to reach you when nobody else could, I didn’t ever get the opportunity to meet her in person but through my phone it was like she was hugging my heart, mending it a little. 

Since the start of my heart troubles I always known that this kind of friendship was special, special because your around someone who understands exactly what your going through, a person you can speak to who can relate, someone you feel safe talking to, who you can vent to when things are tough. The disadvantage you see them suffering and you know that there’s nothing you can do to help and from the day Nikki messaged me we became great friends and shared the highs and lows our illness brought together. 

' friends who understand your tears are more valuable than friends who only know your smile'

Having health problems you know there’s a chance things can go downhill and often sadly when you have heart problems it happens, which means as friends you watch each other go through periods of life that are difficult, although Nikki had been through so many ablations and pacemakers along with the horrendous things that come along with having heart rhythm problems she was normal in such an incredible way. She was like me positive, chatty and loved animals. We would message each other about the most heartfelt things to our pets and social life we often joked about being drama queens about how our wide keloid scars looked like slugs in our own strange way to laugh about our situation.  

Nikki was always there bringing my sparkle back so even though it was hard I knew I wasn’t alone, as friends we done it together, by simply being there for each other, that’s how you stay strong. Nikki loved animals she was a true mummy to them and took on the role of mothering me when I needed it the most. We spoke about my heart going downhill  again and maybe having a 4th ablation she asked me how I felt about it and if things improved with medication could I live with it but let it effect me and stop me living the life I wanted I said maybe I thought I could tell Nikki in a few weeks that more medication wasn’t an option Because you see Nikki being there for me was the most unselfish thing ever, her heart was getting weaker, she was going for scan But she still continued to be there for me making sure I was fine. 

I messaged her a few days later to say thank you for being my rock, that she was strong and amazing I also told her I hoped her scan went well that she deserved some happiness after everything she had been though. 

When Nikki was there for me each time I knew her heart was a lot worse than mine but I couldn’t imagine her being unwell, I told myself she would be fine, because she always was but she wasn’t, ablation after ablation pacemaker after pacemaker she didn’t get better, her heart constantly fought against her, it was getting weaker. Often we spoke about our future mostly silly things like getting back to work, being aloud to drive again things that were so superficial to others but things that were huge goals to us, whenever I pictured my future the times my heart problems brought sadness Nikki was always there I never once thought she wouldn’t be. 

She passed away on 21st October my heart feels heavy and I’m beyond sad I wish I could send her a message and get one back, there are things I wish I could speak to her about but now I can’t, when I’m having a bad day and need cheering up my friend is no longer there, my soul feels sad that shes gone. I hope to raise funds for the British Heart Foundation in the future which was a charity close to Nikki's heart and keep her memory alive because she was amazing, At the moment I’m waiting on my next heart ablation and I know this time will be extremely hard as I wouldn’t have Nikki by my side, all i can say is I’m grateful to have learned so much from my heart friend, she inspired me to pick myself up and carry on she reminded me to keep smiling to be kind and brave but most importantly to live life to the full I cannot be more blessed to have had such an extraordinary friend  who’s fighting spirit will always hold a special place in my heart, that place in my heart that only Nikki could really understand. 

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Saturday 21 October 2017

Body Confidence, love Yourself whatever that means

Body confidence is a topic that's spoken about often and 5 years ago I had brilliant body confidence, I ate well, was a size 8, didn't have cellulite, stretch marks or a single scar anywhere I was happy healthy and loved my body.

Then in June 2012 I became unwell that's when things changed. Before I used to have this bubbly personality but my illness brought spells of anxiety and depression, my way of coping with difficult times was to seek refuge in food, I couldn't exercise, I struggled with simple tasks, I also wasn't at my crazy job that left me without food for hours all of sudden the focus wasn't on my body and looking good it was all about my heart, surgery and recovery, Then a few years later I had a baby it was a shock to see how much my body had changed I hated my body and I hated myself.

There have been entire months since this whole illness journey started were I could barely look at myself in the mirror because the reflection in the mirror was one I no longer recognised, I didn't feel sexy beautiful or attractive. I yearned for my pre illness body, one that could walk for miles without pain, a body that could handle a Saturday night uptown or a marathon shopping trip, one that wasn't so fatigued from walking upstairs or from taking a shower.

I would always wear a smile on my face, whilst secretly wishing I was invisible

I called myself horrible names, I said I was fat, ugly, disgusting because I believed I was, I thought everyone was judging me, laughing behind my back because I got 'fat' (everyone makes fun of the fat girl don't they ? )  I know its a terrible way to to think but in my head I believed if I was thin and could squeeze into a pair of size 8 jeans it would make everything that was wrong in my life better again

For me getting a pacemaker marked a whole new chapter in my life and now I'm living a healthier lifestyle and my state of mind is better guess what, my issues with my body are still there as I slowly realised the problem wasn't just with the way my body looked but also with the way it functioned.

 To me a perfect body wasn't just about having that perfect thigh gap it was one that functions to the standards I wanted it too so despite exercising and loosing weight I still have zero confidence in my body and what I mean by that is having heart problems makes my body unpredictable and when you don't have control over your body it makes you feel confident with it, Like you can't trust it so it's still incredibly difficult to love yourself (whatever the hell that's supposed to mean) when your living in a body that's broken and can never be fixed, the scars may fade, times a healer it might get stronger, perhaps even healthier but It will never be whole again.

            I yearned for my pre illness body, one that could walk for miles without pain, 
        a body that could handle a Saturday night uptown or a marathon shopping trip, 
             one that wasn't fatigued from walking upstairs or from taking a shower.

But yet despite the fact  I feel broken or how sometimes its easier to curl up in a ball and feel depressed over my body because I will never be a size 8 again with a perfect thigh gap like Barbies but neither do mermaids and I'm all about mermaid life these days  I still try hard to feel good about my body because despite what our bodies put us through we should all be grateful for them whatever shape, size or problems they have they keep us alive and let us experience life which is why I'm proud of my body and I'm proud of myself for choosing to enjoy life and cake instead of dieting and calorie counting for focusing on being well rather than being skinny because although my body acts like my enemy  I'm still thankful for everything it does and it's took me such a long time to appreciate that. I feel like I owe my body an apology for all the horrible words I've spoken, my body has been through so much and all I could do was rail against it for it letting me down time and time again. I guess I mainly just felt abit sad and disappointed in my body for not only failing at being thin but also failing at being healthy.

 Learning to love my body instead of feeling worthless because I'm not healthy has been hard, especially when we live in a world were image and perfection is everything but instead I've decided to look at what my body's been through and what it's giving me, I've grown gave birth and raised a tiny human, my hearts been burnt, prodded damaged and wired yet It still beats in spite of everything and I think that's pretty bloody awesome even with its flaws and dam cellulite.

So if your having really shitty feelings about your body then trust me I get it feeling unhappy in your own skin happens when you suffer from a chronic illness, its ok to allow yourself to have those feelings but don't let that body shaming devil sitting on your shoulder stop you from enjoying life instead take a second to celebrate your body and all the incredible things it can do most importantly take care of your body, you only get one and just be yourself.

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Monday 10 July 2017

How long is too big an age gap ?

I  have never had any regrets about having my first child young, I'm only 26 which means there's no fertility clock ticking to have another baby but the truth is at one point I dreamt of having that "perfect' age gap.

Just recently I came across an article on  'perfect' age gaps. how this perfect gap forms this lovely sibling bond were they grow up close and learn about the world together which then leads to the happiest of family's but the fact is having a chronic illness means life is full of uncertainty, there's times when illness shakes life up abit, times were you don't have any control or a say over what happens, as much as it kills me to say it there's times when illness dictates your life  and there's nothing you can do about it except strap yourself in tightly and let it but sadly it takes unpleasant situations in life for us to truly realise this.

 I'm a firm believer in one child's a lonely child and I've never shied away from explaining I would love another baby in the future despite my health problems, it's our life after all and its me that goes through pregnancy But a funny old thing started happening this year, particularly this year.

Suddenly times ticking, Kian's getting older, he's starting nursery soon, he's going to be out of nappies before you know it, now's the right time to add a new addition to the family.

Suddenly, it's going to be too big an age gap.

Suddenly were going to have to refresh our knowledge about looking after a newborn, suddenly were going to be out of the routine of looking after a baby.

I have known from a very young age that I wanted a big family, I had always imagined myself with two kids fairly close in age, I've also always been fixated on kids growing up together because that would create this sibling friendship were they grow up close and create precious memories together but a nice gap were its a slight breeze I keep some sanity and its not a complete challenge to get 3 of us out the door on time, in my head it would all be very precise, planned and perfect. I have also known from a young age that having heart problems would make pregnancy extremely difficult and labour would be like a running a marathon, one I've not trained for, one my heart might not cope with. I went through it all with Kian but Kian wasn't planned and the only way to describe a situation like that is going on holiday and your bags get lost in transit you just have to get on and enjoy your holiday with the clothes you have on your back because shit happens and you just have to deal with it ( you do understand I'm not comparing my unplanned pregnancy to luggage right ?)  I was pregnant so we dealt with the rubbish that came along with pregnancy and having heart problems until we got our reward at the end.

But planning it, well its different, your making that decision to put yourself through pregnancy and labour knowing its going to be tough, going back to the luggage would you deliberately choose to leave your suitcase at home and go on holiday with nothing ?  You might take stuff out the case  but that takes some organisation, planning what outfit you'll wear twice, making sure you've got all the essentials you need and while I desperately want that 'perfect' age gap physically having so many health problems its the whole fear of the unknowing not to mention the amount of planning it takes and I'm not just talking simple terms like having an ovulation app dictate your sex life  its having to plan so far ahead making changes left right and centre to nearly every aspect of your life, from stopping medication and treatments that help you lead a normal life to trying out every trick in the book to help lower your blood pressure its simply not as straightforward  as removing clothes from a suitcase as much as I wish it was.

 My pregnancy was hard not in a sense I had bad sickness or anything like that in fact none of it was physical, yes my body was carrying and growing a baby, yes my heart problems caused my blood pressure to rock through the roof and I spent most of it trapped inside a hospital room ( waiting on my  luggage to finally appear)  but strangely my health didn't deteriorate in fact if anything my health improved although it came back with a vengeance when Kian was only a few months old, but  its the hard decisions your faced with during pregnancy, I mean having to stopping drugs that help you function because there's no research on them with pregnancy but here's a drug that stunts the baby's growth.  I remember reaching 35 weeks going for a scan and hearing that Kian had stopped growing which was so heartbreaking to hear even though we knew that was always likely to happen anyway but nothing can prepare you for when it does happen and something no parent should ever have to go through is having to decide wither to be induced early because the chances of stillbirth are higher or to give your baby that extra chance to grow its life shattering. For me it wasn't a question, being induced and having him small but alive was the choice I made except ironically he stayed put was born late but healthy yet he also didn't grow anymore either despite having the extra few weeks inside which I think truly shows how much of an affect high blood pressure and beta blockers have on an unborn baby.

And while I don't usually share that detail with just anyone, I have noticed that suddenly me becoming pregnant  again has become a major topic this year as kian's 3rd birthday draws closer.

all the advice of having that perfect age gap I listen to and as more and more  people I met during prenatal classes with my first fall pregnant with their second  I have become more and more the odd one out , The only one who's not rubbing a bump or sitting at the toddler area with a baby strapped to my front.

Personally it bothers me not because I wish people would stop giving me their opinion about this perfect age gap but because why does it Matter ? What's really the huge deal with this perfect age gap ?

 Is it not ok to have an imperfect age gap ? surly it's only imperfect if you let it be

I don't know why a year ago having another one is too soon your supposed to enjoy your first, before having a second yet suddenly a year on now's the perfect time.

I love being a mum, love a full house and I do feel some grief that because of my health problems I'm not providing my first born with this 'perfect' gap, were he creates this closeness with another and doesn't grow to resent them but with so many of my friends already on their second even third me and Kian are never far away from a baby a toddler, or a nippy VTech toy and right know that fulfils us and at the end of the day we wave goodbye and were content with the life we have right know as a family of 3 despite everyone giving their opinion on this perfect age gap.

I don't know why this is , I don't understand because surly not one age gap fits all ? I also didn't know there was an expiration period on having a second surly its up to you to figure out what works best for you and your family but yet here we are too big an age gap but were ok with that regardless of how long that may be so everyone else should be to.

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Thursday 22 June 2017

When your health declines and there's nothing you can do about it

I write this post from hospital, I have been in and out since my last post Firstly thank you so much for all the beautiful, supportive and caring messages I've received on social media I've been feeling sorry for myself and my moods went to pot but your words really brightened my day.

So after weeks of struggling with retention and a bladder infection I was admitted into hospital for iv antibiotics and fluids to kick the butt of bacteria lurking inside my body. I don't think I have ever felt so unwell, Friday night I was abit off but I put it down to not feeling too well generally and being really exhausted, well by Saturday morning I woke up sweating buckets. The district nurse called a doctor out who both suspected I had an infection, I was giving oral antibiotics but by Sunday morning I was shaking, unable to keep my eyes open and also being violently sick Dougie took one look at me and phoned out of hours who told us to head straight to hospital.

So I'm still here receiving two different types of antibiotics intravenously to try and knock the infection down to a level were it doesn't need such aggressive treatment, I'm still in a lot of pain and feeling thoroughly exhausted.

My bloods are showing the levels are dropping which is good, my temperatures slowly coming down along with my heart rate, although I have to admit I'm concerned that I'm still feeling so rubbish despite knowing things are improving but after speaking with the doctor he's told me that's normal and that I won't feel better for a while because of how severe the infection was.

I have a catheter back in as my bladder went back into acute retention 2 weeks ago, I've cried so many tears over this happening again because I'm gutted it's something I hoped was just a one off but it's not, in fact it's happened twice I'm waiting on an appointment at the clinic to trial without the catheter again but having an infection means it's been delayed because I'm more likely to fail whilst the Infections on going, If the trials not successful then the next step is more tests and also being taught to intermittently self catheterise myself.

I love when you think you've had the most embarrassing tests known to man, your then told you have to pee out fluid whilst a team of people take images and measure the strength of your bladder the joys Of having bladder problems though !

But anyway I have something else I want to open up about, I don't even know we're to start with it all but I feel now's a good time.

For a while my body's been doing things out with my control, things I can't really explain. A condition that's been mentioned a lot which is becoming poison to my ears is multiple sclerosis (Ms) I first heard this back in December from a neurologist after a locum gp noticed I had weakness,  along with paralysis and a few weeks later a routine eye test detected I've lost vision in my right eye but he couldn't be 100 percent certain until they done an MRI scan. Having a pacemaker means I can't have one, my leads are compatible but my box isn't. After a long discussion and alot of communication between my cardiologist and the neurologist my cardiologist put the cards on the table that he was happy to change the box, from his point of view it's a simple box change but for me it's not there's the risks, another Scar, the recovery afterwards but also because I've had an infection in the past means my chances of catching another one are higher so with all this considered the neurologist decided to keep me under his care but to leave things as they were and if things changed then we would go down this route But Yesterday this came up again as the urologist wants to send me for one too He feels more tests on my bladder probably aren't going to give answers which is why none are being done at the moment I've been told the thing with ms it can cause relapses and my bladder going into retention could be like a relapse as all the tests I've had so far show my bladders healthy that perhaps my bladders not the problem it's my brain not giving the correct signals to empty.

Where do I go from here ?
and I honestly don't know, I'm stuck with the question of having to go through more surgery to change the box so I can have the scan and hopefully rule out ms or leave it and see how things go ? something Ive spoken about with Dougie is at what point do you decide now's the right time ? Is there a right time ? At what stage do you leave it till something else happens, something that's another sign of ms but at the same time if it's ms it's not like there's a cure, getting a diagnose isn't going to change or stop everything that's happening to my body, do I wait 10 years till my box needs changed anyway ? I so wanted to feel relieved when they found something wrong with my bladder, because that meant there's still that possibility it's not ms but each time they find nothing I loose that hope.

People keep telling me to stay positive because there could be a million other reasons to explain why all this is happening and this is true but until it's ruled out it's a shadow hanging over me. I am positive in that I'm surrounded by people I love, who are ready to help me fight when I get weak and tiered they help me stay strong, just because I feel fear doesn't mean I'm not brave, just because I can see the negative doesn't mean I'm not positive, I still choose to see the positives even though I'm surrounded by negatives some days though it's just a little bit harder to find that tiny bit of glimmer... but I will.

Poor Dougie is dealing with Kian, work and home life as well as my emotional breakdowns I'm so upset about ruining Father's Day and being a burden to him that I'm actually being MORE of a burden stressing about it all

He brought Kian to see me yesterday after asking if I wanted him to see me like this, I said Yes because at the age of 2 and a half he doesn't understand fully but he understands a lot, he knows I'm sick and I wanted him to know I'm getting better. Seeing him lifted my mood although it was hard to hear him say "no more tears mummy" because it should be me as his mum telling him that, me picking him up when he's fell down not the other way around but hearing that has made me try hard to not cry especially not in front of him but it is Hard I miss him I miss my own bed And I guess I miss my old life, my life before illness took over I guess I've reached this wall we're I've just mentally had enough.

I know right know these feelings are temporary, it's just a slight blip even if it's a lot bigger than usual I will pull myself together, but there you are I've said it those two words that I've not spoken since last year, those 2 words that recently the doctors are saying a lot and saying them myself makes me so bloody scared.

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- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Wednesday 5 April 2017

Another piece of me is broken right now.

I've shared with you all every high and low from my heart journey in the past 3 years, from tears to joy, fainting to ablations, pacemakers to depression even photos of my scars on my chest But I'm struggling to talk about something that even I Inappropriate Danielle is finding difficult.

So why is it I'm finding it hard to talk about what I'm going through right now ?

Truthfully I'm embarrassed, my bladders went into retention, it's stopped working on its own.This is really uncomfortable makes toilet trips impossible but the hardest part of it all I'm so desperately sad and embarrassed, I have a catheter and a leg bag because I'm physically unable to go on my own now.

Why this slight bump in my health journey feels so much worse than anything that's happened before I have no idea, I suppose it's because it's personal.

Maybe I'm worried people will laugh, make jokes, perhaps I'm concerned this is too private to talk about on my blog ? But I honestly feel like I need to be brave for others with this in the way I was brave for others with ist.

When I say the words 'I can't pee', out loud, I get a huge lump in my throat, my voice changes tone, my heart flutters and my cheeks beam bright red.

Dougie said to me after we got in the car from the hospital, I don't understand everyone gets the urge to pee and eventually they pee, your bladder can only hold so much before eventually it bursts and you'll go. I felt like I was going to explode but nothing happened, even running the tap leaning desperately forward squeezing for over 10 minutes nothing was happening except pain.

Emotionally it's knocked me I feel nothing but sadness, everyday this tube is inside its slowly absorbing my independence, its draining my happiness  I just keep thinking I've had enough health issues to last me a life time surely I catch a break soon,it just feels so unfair.

I'm trying so hard to keep my positive thinking hat on, maintain my happy go lucky attitude but I can sense that my family know it's forced that my smile isn't genuine, my pathetic jokes about the perks of not having to get up to use the bathroom don't ring true. I just can't bring myself to admit that I'm struggling, I don't want to talk about my lazy bladder how its stopped working and how I can't pee on my own.

God this isn't like me normally my family give me a row they tell me you shouldn't share anything that you would be to ashamed to hear read back and normally I have to rack my brain to think of something so it's ridiculous that this has throwing me so much, it's pathetic that I feel shame over a normal body function but guess what I feel shame because something as simple as peeing I can't do on my own right now.

I'm waiting for an emergency appointment to see urology, where I will be giving a scan and a scope to look inside my bladder which will hopefully give some answers, their also going to take the catheter out and see if my bladder will work on its own again, but all I can think about is what if it doesn't ? How long will I need to walk around with a tube inside my bits and a drainage bag attached to my leg for ?

It's horrible I can't wear anything decent because of the bag, I'm spending everyday in my pyjamas   because I'm too embarrassed to go out, I'm so self conscious I know nobody can see it underneath my trousers but I feel like they can, I spend every evening changing the bag over to a bigger one, throughout the day I'm having to drain it , the bladder spasms are painful it's like your body doesn't like having tubes were it wouldn't normally have them and because of the spasms it's causing urine to leak outside the bag this is another reason that's making me scared to go out ,secondly because of that  I'm having to wear incontinence pads to control the leaks.

Bladder retention normally happens to older men who have enlarged prostates so why it's happened to me is abit of a mystery but hopefully I get some answers soon. I got my impacted wisdom tooth removed last week which I found to be a traumatic experience and I guess sometimes our body's react to stress and trauma in strange ways.

The thing that makes me want to share this post is that I've learnt bladder retention can effect anyone with or without  reason some due to childbirth, medication or cancer, and I'm pretty confident many of them will feel embarrassed and shame like I do but I guess I'm trying to carry my experience like a banner to help others know it's ok to feel this way.

Till I'm able to pee on my own again  I'm putting a smile on, trying to get through one day at a time and I'm trying so hard to not let this sadness and embarrassment take over even when it feels like it has the power to do so.

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Monday 27 February 2017

Sorry, Not Sorry that I don't fit in.

Hello you lovely bunch its been a while I feel like I owe you all an explanation but before I start I don't really know were I'm going with this blog post or if any of it will make sense I just need a chat I feel like I just need to put pen to paper and write.

  When I first started blogging it was for myself a diary so to speak, a place were I could take all my thoughts and feelings and put them in this small corner, my blog, It became a way to free my mind, free in a sense because they thoughts and emotions were no longer locked inside my brain but instead a page, a page I could open and shut when things became tough with my health. My mind needed  freedom because truthfully I didn't know how to cope with the emotional scars my illness brought but through writing I was able to process those things that were happening, things that I found difficult to explain.

  Most of the time I'm hit with inspiration to write even if what I write is rubbish, to me it still means something but recently I haven't had that, before Christmas I had lots of posts drafted up ready to publish but I switched from Mary Poppins to Cruella De Vill, I was in such a bad mood about blogging, I'm talking a full blowing pmt outburst were I sat wondering what am I doing, do I suck at writing, am I making a fool of myself, are people laughing at me criticising my writing thankfully that mood passed and my feelings towards blogging when back to normal.

  The thing is I've always knowing people blog for all sorts of different reasons whither it be to make money, to receive free stuff, or because they love writing , whatever that reason may be, they blogs are all grouped into niches, I've always felt like the black sheep, like I don't really belong anywhere part of me longs for a niche to welcome me with open arms, a group that will encourage and support me to keep on writing  but then the other part of me doesn't. I admit I write tiny snippets from all sorts of different niches but I don't want to dedicate my whole blog to one niche because that's not me that's not the reason  I started this blog, I  know barely anything about blogging truthfully  I didn't even know niches excited until a few months ago.

 Back in October when I wrote for  Bio-oils scars uncovered campaign I started receiving email's offering me free stuff in return for posts ,I sat for many weeks toing and froing with the whole idea, I started wondering was I missing out since I was refusing to entertain the idea of sponsored posts and brand collaborations. In fact several other bloggers told  me I was missing out that I could earn easy cash doing something I love and in return drive more traffic to my blog its a win all round right ?  I'm not going to lie writing for Bio- oils campaign drove an overwhelming amount of traffic which was something I hadn't experienced before my inbox full of lovely responses from others showing pictures of scars and a story behind them something I took great comfort in,  I wasn't the only one looking in the mirror and feeling shit about my scar battered body but writing about things like vapour pipes and coffee body scrubs just isn't my cup of tea.

 The thing is I don't want to loose sight of why I set up this page I don't want to write content for content sake so I can be accepted in the world of blogging to be welcomed into a niche or to even gain a high rank on Goggle, ( I actually have no clue how any that stuff works btw)  it's pretty simple  I don't want to get sucked into blogging to make money or to receive  free things  it's like I've been offered a job promotion I didn't apply for I wrote for the scars uncovered campaign because I love writing about things I'm passionate about its no secret that  I hate my scars not just because they look ugly it's a painful reminder of my past but a past I felt could help others, help them accept their scars and even their past. Through that post I was able to vent emotionally how my own scars affected my life and what they meant to me. But I didn't get paid for it I got free bottles of bio oil as a kind of payment for supporting the campaign the rest were sent out as a giveaway to help others come to terms with their ones too.

For anyone who doesn't know  I started this blog 3 years ago the day my second heart ablation failed it sounds crazy I know not many people sit after surgery and think I know life's shit lets write about it but I did. Anyway here I was in hospital  staring out the window watching the world go by literally passing me by as I lay in hospital a blubbering snottery mess, I felt like I had no real place in it. All these people were outside, walking, smoking, chatting in little groups putting money into the parking meter I felt like they all had a life a purpose all I had was a shitty diagnose with no hope of a cure, I was grieving over a life I wanted, I was mad, pissed at life  words just started flowing It didn't have a reason, it served no purpose I  just took every piece of my heart that felt  broken and shoved it into words they words eventually became the posts you read here. Weeks and months passed were anything I felt anything I wanted to say I used it as an outlet for my emotions I admit some of the posts I published I'm embarrassed about I've even swayed with the whole idea of hitting delete but I haven't because there all reminders of hard times during my heart journey were I look back and think god I remember that, that was shit and then I move on I move on with a sense of delight because it's in the passed a passed I lived survived and came out the other side 10 times stronger.

 Sometimes mentally I struggle, I  just need a little swift kick up the backside my blog gives me that, I find myself reading back just to remind myself how far I've come in a strange way I still  find things hard to believe, I still struggle to believe that when I was pregnant I got induced 3 times 3 weeks early and my darling stubborn Kian was still 2 days late because seriously does that even happen ? It did, because it happened to me, happened all because of my shirty Inappropriate heart But someone somewhere might have that same shit luck (if you can call it that baby's are blessings)  but they might just land on that page it might be all they need to hear that day just to stop the tears flowing. I know it now makes me laugh.

  Its funny because people say its all about your attitude towards life, you just need to be positive, as cliche as it sounds  turn that frown upside down, they'll tell you everything happens for a reason, to be grateful for the life you have because some people have it so much worse but at that point in true Danielle drama style I felt like nobody could be worse, at the age of 22 I was diagnosed with a heart rhythm problem and told there's nothing that can be done they didn't know how to fix it, if they ever could, I was going to spent the rest of my life calling into work sick never having enough money to pay the bills pondering over how crap life is mostly from the floor with my legs propped up higher than my heart but strangely fast forward  a year later it became so much worse if only back than I knew that But the thing is I did just that I turned that frown upside down and started writing to help others and I haven't stopped doing that.

 What I didn't realise when I first started blogging  was how much it would help others faced with the same condition, through the struggles I shared  I was always met with positive comments, words of encouragement, gained 1000 of likes even made new friends. My inbox was and still is always full of lovely messages asking all sorts of advice from ablations to anxiety, pacemakers to pregnancy the list goes on but I love it.  It was at this point I realised I could really help others, I could give others all the advice and information  I wish I had knowing back then but didn't I'm no heart expert I'm not even a doctor but by sharing the things that happened, the obstacles I  came across with having this shitty condition  I could give support, the support and shoulder I didn't have but wished I had all those years ago. I've come to love the feeling of writing  knowing it can help others going through the same struggles because truthfully I never want anyone to feel like I did 3 years when I started this blog I was a wreck I was alone, scared stuck in this invisible illness bubble were I felt like nobody could understand what it's like to live a life with your heart controlling it day in and day out, in fact the day I was diagnosed I hadn't heard anyone else refer to their heart as Inappropriate.

 What I recently realised was I'm not only helping others but advocating for heart rhythm problems as a whole I have a rare condition that many medical professionals don't understand, some haven't even heard of it I've been on the end of doctors harsh ,rude comments so many times, the end were you start to question are you really sick or just crazy But I've decided the more I write the more awareness that brings and therefore I figured less ignorant individuals in the world.

 However I guess what I'm trying to say is screw fitting in its nice to be different this tiny place on the Internet is an outlet for me it's kind of like therapy when my heart goes haywire, I'm sorry that I'm not sharing beauty hauls or taking perfect food pictures just so I can fit in, if that's what your after you've came to the wrong place. I'm a blogger without a niche. I wear my heart on my sleeve I don't hide anything in real life or on online, I put myself and my blog out there not just abit I fully put it out there for people to judge, criticise , pull apart but to help others, to raise awareness I figured if I don't advocate for my condition who will ? I'm the blogger without an identity, I'm opinionated, but honest I'm not your perfect size woman, or plus size model, I'm a mum with a heart rhythm problem, my mouth is just as inappropriate as my heart is but I'm just me, Danielle

 So here I was sitting last night scrolling through all they emails sending the same reply to them all thank you but no thank you, it was great because suddenly I felt a sense of relief  I found myself staring at my laptop missing this blog missing writing and remembering why I started it all in the first place and fitting in isn't  one of them.

Sorry, not sorry that I don't fit in.

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