Sunday, 4 September 2016

A small moment to remember your so much more






Mum guilt we all feel it, it seems to come along brutally as part of motherhood, a phrase that before I had my little boy I would roll my eyes at but it's very much real and next to impossible to get rid of.

Becoming a mum  life becomes a huge jigsaw puzzle trying to slot the pieces back together, trying to place everything back exactly were it was but with a child in tow and when you have a chronic condition that throws obstacles and difficulties  from every angle and makes that puzzle even harder. Since I had my little boy Kian a huge piece that I had wanted to place for so long was going back to work.


Now I realise how selfish that sounds, I would rather work than be with him, but here's the thing, kian's the most important thing in my life but that didn't mean  he had to be the only important thing.


I had so many opportunities to say screw it, my hearts knackered, life's so unfair,every opportunity to give up, my health set me back constantly all that ever came out of trying to work again was that white piece of paper ticked unfit for work and in the passed going back to work didn't last long because my health would just go straight downhill and it became harder each time to go back, the anxiety of another setback became unbearable , but the tears that flowed every time I left the doctors were painful because the truth is work was a huge part of my life before I got sick and an even bigger part of my life before I became a mum, I was also stuck with, how could I set a good example to Kian if I let my problems win, the only example it sets instead is how easy it is to give up, things that are important aren't worth fighting for, and working is such an important factor to me.

Going back to work when Kian was 18 months old felt like the last piece, after months of setbacks , I finally felt like my life was complete again, I'm far from supernanny but I had work and looking after a toddler going smoothly and my health being the best its ever been since my heart problems started my jigsaw puzzle was complete.....Except being selfish wasn't anywhere to be seen in that complete jigsaw puzzle.



The thing is returning back to work only made me even more less selfish,  Your forced to work have the house tidy, dinner on the table putting everyone and everything before yourself, you ask how everyone else's day has been but nobody ever bothers to ask how your crap day has went.
Even when your unwell as a mum, what does mum do when she's sick, or should I say what doesn't she do ? of course she doesn't put herself first, being a mum its like your automatically programed not to be selfish all the time.



The sad thing is, I realised I had lost my inner self, I was too busy focusing on getting my health back. so I could work, to busy trying to balance motherhood and work To busy trying to do the mum role perfectly that I  got so lost with trying to be a good mum that I wasn't a good wife or friend I wasn't a good me.



When my husband said to me one Friday night  as I reached for the tea cup instead of the wine glass that I was so boring, I actually felt this huge weight of sadness wash over me, I felt sad and guilty that I had lost the fun bubbly me, the person who was the first and  last to leave a party now turned down every invite to instead sit with knitting needles and a cuppa, but the thing was deep down I knew she was still there, underneath the yogurt stained T-Shirt, the weeks unwashed hair pinned back, the handbag full of dummies and toy cars she was, the same girl who still dances stupidly around the living room to Steps still done that at most opportunities.



All mums do feel guilt but having an illness that guilt is amplified ten times more and being a working mum that guilt is amplified hundred times more so when you have an illness and go to work that guilt eats you alive.




You feel guilty for being a shouty mum, guilty for being unwell, , guilty for hiding your head in the fridge to eat, guilty for wishing you could go back to work and have a hot cuppa and some adult chat, but the thing is now I feel guilty that I'm not a stay at home mum, you always find something no matter how big or small it is to feel guilty about.

'I need a break', were the words I held back for so long, I feared being judged. Working mums get a break, we get the best of both worlds right? , but that couldn't be more further from the truth.



As a working mum, it's no fun leaving them for most of the day, its no fun coming home and seeing them peacefully asleep knowing you missed a whole day of their precious little life's, others hearing words and seeing precious milestones and moments. It's also no fun the tears you shed  when you walk out the door, you spent most of your day clock watching, as the saying goes a watched kettle never boils, that's how your day is, But here's the thing going to work isn't a personal break, your not going to work for some time out, and when you finish you don't actually clock off, you've just finished one thing that's expected of you, and coming home you've used ever single ounce of energy that's left  that you become that shouty tiered mum who's no fun and then you feel guilty for making work be an important part in your life.

When I say those words 'I need a break' it didn't mean I wanted to put my feet up, or go out for a drink, It didn't mean I wanted to kick back with Netflix and the Game of Thrones box set,  it didn't mean I wanted to step back from my responsibility's , it means I wanted to take a moment to feel human again, In days and weeks that are all mould  into one, putting everything before yourself you just want a moment to be selfish, when your burning the candle at all ends, trying to do everything ,you just become exhausted from trying to do everything right except you feel like your doing none of the jobs perfectly.



When I do 'get a break' I don't use it for fun, I don't use it to even hit the gym or go shopping, I don't need a break to unwind, have a party being me on my own instead I find myself lying in a quiet room or I go for a bath but the thing is I sit with my own thoughts were I switch off for a few seconds, without something being expected or wanted from me.



I do the one thing that I need to do, to work and keep up with the never ending needs of  my beautiful Kian, two important things in my life, being a stay at home mum would be easier, I wouldn't risk setbacks, I wouldn't worry constantly if my hearts going to play up, I wouldn't live in fear of having sick days and I wouldn't have so much guilt for leaving him to go to work but that would be giving up a huge part of me that makes me who I am, I worked before being a mum and I worked long before I got sick and I'm more than just a mum,  my breaks allow me to recharge those battery's that are on energy saving mode a lot because of my heart.

I put absolutely all the fuel  I have stored in the tank  into being a good mum and working from the minute I opened my eyes in the morning till I close them at night there isn't a single second I'm alone with my own thoughts, Where I'm not been needed and were demands are expected of me, not at work, in the shower, or even in the toilet.



When I say 'I need a break' it's because sometimes you just need a moment to be yourself, to remember who you are, a moment to stop and catch a breath to make a choice for yourself, we need a moment to feel like we still exist as a person, who doesn't just go by the name mum. Because you can't love others when you don't love yourself and to love yourself you sometimes just need a moment to remember who you are.


                                                               
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Sunday, 28 August 2016

Cardiology update, why i'm grinning like a Cheshire cat





I've been to see my lovely cardiologist this week and I'm grinning like a Cheshire cat, because for once it's not been an appointment which has ended up with me being placed on the waiting list for an ablation since 2013.


When he asked if I've had any blacks out since the last time, I hadn't my heart was still fast but I hadn't blacked out in 4 months the longest I've ever went.






The honest thing is I've just been getting on with it and ignoring it all, making the most out of a rubbish situation,, I still have dizzy spells especially if I'm standing for a long time, I still notice my heart randomly racing, I still get breathless and have had a few near floor moments but I've managed to lie down before falling down. I've so many times questioned myself why I went ahead with the 3rd ablation and a pacemaker when I knew it wouldn't solve everything, but this is the best I've felt in a long time.


Another ablation is always an option, but an option for now that's on hold for 2 reasons one being how unfair he thinks it is to put me through another one so soon, also because of how happy I am compared to 6 months ago, but the biggest one because it's most likely going to end up like all the others.


I know my heart will never be 'normal', I know my hearts never going to be fixed, I've came to understand and accept that.


Life seemed so hard and unfair at times, happiness and dreams were instead replaced with sadness and isolation, my goals were put on a long waiting list and I didn't know when they would reach the top, if they ever would. For the passed few years I've felt in a vulnerable state, a state that I felt would never pass because it's been present for so long.


My appointment opened my eyes to again how awareness is important, because like so many effected with this condition your left with very little knowledge , answers and support, awareness brings hope, a reason to not give up, educating others so others don't have to go through what you have. One voice is like a small drop in the ocean but altogether it creates a huge wave. Awareness has the ability to change so many people's lives.

Although I feel great and I'm on top of the world at the moment I know how quickly that can all change ,I know my next appointment might be different, things might not be the same, but this week I'm feeling even more happy and blessed, and of course I only have one person to thank for all of that my cardiologist.

                                                                      
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Sunday, 14 August 2016

The horrible moment your toddler smacks you in the pacemaker.




The passed few weeks have been really good, health wise I've been feeling amazing, Then the other day picking up Kian to head out. Being a typical toddler he had a tantrum and smacked me right in the pacemaker with his elbow, I felt an excruciating  pain but I didn't really think much of it except it hurt.


As I sat down to eat dinner that night, picking up my fork I noticed a strange feeling in my chest, a feeling I haven't ever felt before that my pacemaker had moved, it wasn't the nicest feeling and a feeling I found incredibly difficult to explain.


I haven't really felt my pacemaker before from the outside, so I found it hard to know what it felt like before since I had nothing to compare it to, as I touched it I could feel one side sort of lumpy and bulging and the other side lay flat and smooth.


As I got up from the sofa I called Dougie were panicked  filled me, lifting my top up I told him I think my pacemaker has moved. I spent the next couple of minutes trying to describe to Dougie what it felt like and asked him to feel the bulging lump were  he said he couldn't,he doesn't like the whole idea of feeling this battery under my skin, he agreed looking it definitely stuck out at one side more than the other but he couldn't understand how that feels and he definitely couldn't take the pain away.


Working , meeting friends, having a family meal, I  was still in pain and had this horrible feeling in my chest, but I didn't say to anyone because the sad reality is my pacemaker moving doesn't mean anything to anyone, they can't physically see it  or know how it feels.


When Dougie said to me I should maybe phone the clinic and get it checked out, I know my body and I know when something's not right or when I can sit it all out, so I figured it's probably  something that can wait till my next appointment and hopefully it's no big deal, but as much as I acted all cool joking that I haven't keeled over yet so it must be fine right ? I still felt this huge weight of worry  that I couldn't shift, because deep down I'm worried that it's not ok, worried everything's  going to go wrong again, I worry that I'm just getting back into the swing of working, back doing things I loved doing, and it's all going to be took painfully away again, I worry that this is another setback I worry a lot... You can probably tell.


I didn't tell anyone close to me how worried I actually was, because they would just tell me to stop worrying, but it's easier said than done, they all live by the motto you can't start worrying or stressing over something till its in front of you and as much as this is true, I'm a huge worrier especially when it comes to my heart, because things have never been plain sailing, I always believe you have to think worse case scenario so you can prepare for the worst and anything else is a bonus, hopefully my pacemaker moving isn't a huge big deal.




                                                               



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Sunday, 31 July 2016

The reality of living with scars, Bio-oils #scarsuncovered campaign





Throwing on my bikini the image that stared back at me from the tall mirror was something I had tried to avoid daily,  In fact since the 3rd of November I had succeeded pretty well. I avoided it in every way possible, by covering up with clothes, avoiding mirrors but now I was confronted by it, all I could see was hate, I hated the three ugly raised scars across my chest, instead of lying by the pool in Italy wearing a bikini  I covered up, I was to afraid and embarrassed anyone would notice or comment on my scars.

Not only do I feel really uncomfortable noticing the outline of the pacemaker and the scars, touching them is out of the question not just because physically  they look ugly, mentally it's painful to look at them, it brings back all the horrible memories of every hard painful moment,every life changing decision.

'the hardest part is knowing the scars didn't mean I was fixed they were a small mark but in my eyes a large mark to help me lead a normal life'


Why should I feel embarrassed or ashamed of them and in reality I shouldn't there a huge part of me, each one tells a unique story that represents what I indured  and overcome, that without them I wouldn't be were I am today, but when I did finally pluck the courage to show them off I was met with cruel hurtful comments that really hit my self esteem big time.


'Having someone refer to your chest as horrible and a mess it's hard to respond skilfully to that comment when all your eyes do see is a mess and your mind just feels hate'


That scar causes physical and emotional pain everyday for me and I hate to admit this but when it was confirmed I had nerve damage and the pain specialist prescribed me lidocaine patches to help numb the area been giving a huge patch to cover the scars up by a doctor was ideal because it was like I did have an excuse to keep them hidden. It was easy in winter because the cold was an excuse  but when the hot weather started to arrive everyone close to me would question why I wont  take my jacket off  and of course I didn't want to admit to hide my scars, that would lead to so many questions that mentally I felt I couldn't bring myself to answer, I didn't have to lie anymore a doctor had prescribed me a patch which physically eased the pain, which meant mentally I didn't have to look at them, I didn't have to fear others seeing them.


Even though a few weeks back I witnessed that there are some cruel horrible people out there, there are also kind ones too and this week I was touched with a letter from the wonderful ladies at Pegasus  not only did they send me bottles of bio oil and who doesn't love bio oil right ? I practically bathed in the stuff when I was pregnant because yes I  feared stretch marks but I had a beautiful baby boy they marks brought me so much joy and happiness so it was like they were irelvent , I could embrace them. The letter enclosed brought me so much comfort because for once I didn't feel alone anymore, there are other woman out there who feel exactly like I do, it was completely normal to feel that hiding they scars under clothes meant they were out of sight out of mind and shockingly that number is more than half the woman out there.




Bio-oil have started the mission #scarsuncovered as they believe nobody should be made to feel they have to cover up, accepting a scar is an important part of coming to terms with what happened in order to move on. Which is why I am showing off my scars,  if I can do anyone can  imperfection is individuality after all in a crazy sort of way they scars do actually make me smile because the hurt is over for now.






Your a solider your scars are your medals so polish them off with bio-oil, and I have 3 free bottles up for grabs so there's no excuses all you have to do is watch the video below and comment below with the answer to this question,

What does Laura do at the end of the video ?

But there's a catch because I would love to see your pictures too so don't forget to upload and #scarsuncovered and join me and many other beautiful ladies on bio-oils amazing campaign, winner will be choosing at random on the 13/8/16




Products sent to me for the purpose of this post & giveaway by the lovely people at Pegasus


 
                                                                    

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Thursday, 14 July 2016

'You know you will have this pain for the rest of your life' he said





As I stared at the 2 sheets of paper My eyes met the question on a score from 1 to 10 what's your pain ? as the doctor called my name I was so grateful he called when he did, it stopped me from having to circle my pain was a 10 because I wouldn't of circled that 10.

 filling in a sheet to describe my pain felt physically difficult for me,  I wasn't in a wheelchair or looked in agonizing pain like everyone else did that day in fact the complete opposite I was pulling a toddler on reins who point blank refused to move,  how can you circle on that blank human body a scar that is tattooed on your own body? you can't even circle your heart  because that blank diagram doesn't even display a heart, maybe I should  circled my head instead because was I imagining that the pain was still there, what if I was just a big baby ?

Since the day I got my pacemaker removed I have suffered with pain, my cardiologist didn't know why, the pacemaker was gone yet I suffered pain everyday , he believed me and was understanding when they salty tears dripped down my face as I told him I couldn't cope with this pain anymore.

  There are mornings I wake up and the pain's not there, there are time's I go to work and its gone, its during these times I question maybe I am just a big baby, but it doesn't last without fail that pain comes back and hits me like a wrecking ball taking my happiness with it and it reminds me I'm not a big baby.

Sitting in the office with the pain specialist who was now examining my scars and chest, as he grabbed a swab pushing and testing parts asking what it felt like, he confirmed something that had been mentioned before but having someone confirm it makes it suddenly become real, my nerves in my chest were permanently damaged, hearing you know your going to have this pain for the rest of your life makes it even more devastating. I didn't say anything instead I laughed it off but they words were painful, It feels like you've been giving a life sentence and at the age of 25 a very long life sentence knowing i'm going to spent the rest of my life in this pain.

 

As he looked at kian he asked if he was my only child, were what followed next made the whole situation even more devastating, if I do want more children they will have to be planned in advance with  a plan set up for my pregnancy, and I will have to suffer the pain without medication because the medication would cause extreme abnormalities to a child.

Having more children is something I have always dreamed of, I'm  a huge believer in one child is a lonely child, and growing up with a younger brother we had our fights but we were always joined at the hip, but  the thought of being in pain everyday frightens me, would  I cope a week let alone a whole year ? Not that another baby is on the cards anytime soon but it was in the future, yet I feel like that future I wanted is slowly getting snatched away from me.

People keep telling me I shouldn't have another child with the way my health is or that I should be grateful I have a healthy child, because some people can't have any, I'm incredibly grateful that I was giving the greatest gift of a healthy baby boy, but it's my  life and my choice and why should I let my health problems stop me. I know people try and say things to help or because they care but you feel like there making a choice for you when it's not there's to make your left feeling angry because  its not them that sits through every growth scan, its me, its me that has to make the hard decisions it's me that has to sit while they check the babies heart its me that lies in bed every night hoping and praying everything will be ok.



I'm trying to be positive but really I want to hide under a duvet with a huge tub of ice cream, I'm devastated all I keep thinking have I not been through enough ? Have I not had my fair share of bad luck ?  Does the struggle ever end  when will things be ok ? After each of the 5 heart operations I have had in the passed 3 years I always think the pain and heartache will be over but it never is.

I'm tiered of being in pain tiered of being unwell and tiered of being broken, but I do know I have to plod on with life, as us Scottish lassies would say it will  be aw right hen.



 
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Thursday, 7 July 2016

truth is I really have no bloody clue what am doing as a mum






I have a smiley happy little boy who is 20 months old from the outside I appear to know what I'm doing. He's always happy smiling , saying ta,. Shares everything and our life in pictures appears like  I have motherhood sussed. I have managed to get to this stage and look after another human being which for me is brilliant, it's not resulted in what happened when I had fish, yep I killed them all by over feeding them seriously no joke, I share many pictures on social media of my life as a mum and my beautiful boy and apparently I must give this illusion that I do really do know what am doing.


Because I receive so many comments and emails off other mums asking for advice, since it appears like I'm some sort of Mary Poppins with my spoon full of sugar or good old super nanny who knows how to handle every shit situation calmly I'm not and truthfully most days I have no clue what the hell am actually doing.


Nobody does,every day is a school day and everyday is different  and I'm learning and figuring it all out like everyone else is , sometimes things go great and I do think maybe I have this shit together but  some days things go horribly wrong and on occasions I have left a battlefield and stormed out the front door leaving poor Dougie to deal with a tempered toddler lying face down into the kitchen floor screaming because I wouldn't let him eat the cat food and  I considered how much a flight to neverland would cost were I wouldn't need to be a growing up anymore.




Motherhood is bloody hard work, from teething to temper tantrums, sleepless nights, to them learning to move around, everything becomes so much worse which you didn't think could happen because everyone tells you it gets easier, your home no longer looks like something out a Laura Ashley catalogue, instead it's full of toys , stupid tents and of course we can't forget the nippy vtech  cars that seem to randomly sing there stupid tune after you stand on them trying to carry a sleeping child to bed.


A huge word of advice don't read social media were there's the perfect mum who makes dinner and breakfast every morning from scratch, who's kids are nicely dressed everyday without a mark to be seen, who's child is so advance they're smarter than Stephan Hawkins and that perfect mum's hair is always perfectly washed, a full face of make up as she's skipping to work with her designer handbag placed over her shoulders.


Honest mums are the best, they will tell you that time they had forget to strap the child in the buggy and they fell out, or the times they fell off the sofa, they will tell you the times were they lost there temper and raised there voice but felt terrible about it and locked there self in the toilet afterwards and cried until they realised the child was standing at the other side of the door laughing and smiling


They will tell you that they called there child nippy and occasionally wish they had never had children . They will tell you that sausage roll from good old Gregg's with some beans and an apple after it is acceptable.They will tell you the heartache they feel when they loose there cool because sometimes it is hard.


They will tell you Nobody is a perfect mum they don't have all the answers and being a mums bloody  hard work, Honest mums are the best because when they re done being honest about all the shit times you laugh together and then celebrate and talk about all the good times.


I've tried and failed at many things in life but I will never stop giving 100% at being the best mum I can be


Because motherhood is like anything you will have good and bad days and although its tough and something I say a lot its even tougher when you don't have the best of health but being giving the title mum is the greatest thing in the world and its something I would never change, although I hate to admit it the day I found out I was pregnant I cried my eyes out saying to my husband my life's over which we now laugh about . From the moment I gave birth to Kian and held him I felt like my life had a purpose. As I stared at him for hours as he slept I knew my life had changed forever, that I would forever love and protect him. Watching them grow right before your eyes and develop into there own little character who gives you cuddles and smiles when they see you is just beautiful. as you teach them you see there little minds process all the information, you watch them learn and grow and the pride you feel when you see them achieve is brilliant. As Kian is slowly getting closer to his 2nd birthday I suddenly find myself thinking back to that tiny baby who I cradled in my arms every night and part of me doesn't want to let go of that baby who is now a toddler because when did that happen time really does fly when your having fun. The other week at soft play Kian came walking over to me at the table and he cuddled me tightly, I didn't want to let go I wanted to hold onto that moment because I know eventually it will reach a stage were he's not that little Caterpillar, he will turn into that beautiful butterfly that will eventually fly away and not want to cuddle me like that anymore.





I love him and I try my best everyday but I still freely admit I have no bloody clue what am doing but what mum can say they have it all sussed not even that perfect mum who hides behind social media acting like she does because 100 percent guaranteed she doesn't have a bloody clue either she's learning like the rest of us.


Honest mums are the most vital, they stop you going completely insane when you do see they perfect mums and you question if it's maybe just you that actually has no clue not to mention the amazing tricks and tips you can learn from they honest mums who freely admit it's not just you that doesn't have a clue.

                                                         
                                                                   
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Friday, 24 June 2016

I know what its like to be afraid

                                     


They say what's for you wouldn't go passed you, I gave it my all or at least I thought I did ,something I was so passionate about but maybe  it wasn't meant to be because it did go right passed me.

A few months back I applied for a job, I didn't tell anyone for the fear of failure, it wasn't just any old job, but a job that meant I would be achieving a huge dream and goal helping and working with others with heart problems, when I received a letter inviting me for an interview I was buzzing with excitement but also stuck with so many worries.

I had spent weeks questioning was it a good idea ? was I being stupid ?  Could I even do it ?  Would my health allow me to do it ? Would my health knock me back because of how much time I have had off being  sick ?   I even hesitated over sending the application, because if I got the job it meant working with the staff who do all my checks and heart scans  I  felt embarrassed over it,  because on some occasions my checks and procedures means your forced to be naked but was it anything to be embarrassed about ? it isn't , I throw all they thoughts to one side and figured  if it's meant to be then it's meant to be.

Sitting in the same corridor I was met with the same faces most of them had treated me at some point except this time was different, I wasn't a sick patient coming for a ECG or a pacemaker check as I walked into the room the lady interviewing knew me she was there through every ablation, that had failed yet I still shook her hand like we hadn't met before, when they asked if I wanted to be showing around,  I had been in nearly every room all for different reasons yet all the outcome of my condition, I still said yes ,it was the strangest experience knowing this time it was different, it didn't even feel like an interview because she already knew so much about me because she had asked in the passed about my life, my family and my job.

I was asked  why I would be good at the job ? Were I spoke about my own job  and what I have done which meant I could bring experience but suddenly I thought of something I could bring that most people couldn't, I could relate, I know what it's like, I know what it's like to feel frightened and afraid I can put myself in their shoes because I've been there on more than one occasion.

I know what's it like to feel afraid the main organ in your body that keeps you alive doesn't work properly

When the words "well done out of 67 you made it to our 9"  felt like a huge achievement except they words stuck for some reason, as I left the hospital I told my family I didn't think I got the job you get that feeling were you just know

 I was right.

When the phone rang and the words "don't be dishearted you didn't get the job you probably don't want to hear this but you lost out by 1 point if there was 2 positions you were second and would of got it," and there was "nothing differently you could of done"


'She wanted something else, something different, something more, knowledge excitement perhaps or maybe success in something she had a passion for just not second best'



And do you know something  when I came off the phone I cried , I gave it everything but that everything wasn't enough a huge dream shattered in 2 small seconds were I questioned what could I have done differently or what do I need to improve on for next time, except I had asked that and the words "nothing",  someone just had more experience in that aspect than I had, I still questioned everything afterwords , maybe if I had spoke more or less maybe if I had just gave it more than I already did ,I just didn't sell myself enough I guess,  I was also stuck with the embarrassment of  I need to go back and face all they staff members as a patient for the rest of my life... Yes the rest of my life because I will never be free from heart checks, and the hardest of it all knowing I was there second choice.

The only good thing out of it is they asked to keep my number and if the opportunity arises within 3 months they can still offer me the job and I will be first in line to get the position except at this point in time all I see is that fail, did she just say that to make me feel better ? I guess no one knows what the future holds if we did then we would all be up at the shops putting on the lottery and we wouldn't  have to work right ?

Except that's not the case for me my goals and dreams of helping and working with people who have heart problems will always remain the same, it's a huge passion of mine and always will be, it's something I refuse to give up on, despite that fail. I do feel so dishearted right now, but who doesn't ?we all go through stages  in our lives were we fail, wither it be an exam, a job, or even something simple like trying to loose weight (my picture says it all I fail at trying to diet all the time because I have no will power).  I will take time to work and grow and focus on the life and job I have right now  and hope that a new opportunity does arise somewhere at some point, don't get me wrong that lottery win would help out  I could live in luxury and  do a job because I want to not because I need to, to make ends meet.



It wasn't meant to be and maybe it will never mean to be? Maybe there's something better waiting just round the corner, but losing out by 1 point hits hard how close you really were, which just makes the whole situation even more upsetting.

I found comfort in my sadness, it's ok to to cry,  a dream will always be a dream unless you go out and get it and I tried  but I guess if you keep believing in they dreams and yourself one day it will come true because you can't give up on dreams life's to short to not keep believing. We all have so much to give despite illnesses knocking us back throughout life  having the experience being on the other side is something special that not many can give or offer and that's something you cannot gain because it's giving without choice.


                                                                



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