Monday 10 July 2017

How long is too big an age gap ?

I  have never had any regrets about having my first child young, I'm only 26 which means there's no fertility clock ticking to have another baby but the truth is at one point I dreamt of having that "perfect' age gap.

Just recently I came across an article on  'perfect' age gaps. how this perfect gap forms this lovely sibling bond were they grow up close and learn about the world together which then leads to the happiest of family's but the fact is having a chronic illness means life is full of uncertainty, there's times when illness shakes life up abit, times were you don't have any control or a say over what happens, as much as it kills me to say it there's times when illness dictates your life  and there's nothing you can do about it except strap yourself in tightly and let it but sadly it takes unpleasant situations in life for us to truly realise this.

 I'm a firm believer in one child's a lonely child and I've never shied away from explaining I would love another baby in the future despite my health problems, it's our life after all and its me that goes through pregnancy But a funny old thing started happening this year, particularly this year.

Suddenly times ticking, Kian's getting older, he's starting nursery soon, he's going to be out of nappies before you know it, now's the right time to add a new addition to the family.

Suddenly, it's going to be too big an age gap.

Suddenly were going to have to refresh our knowledge about looking after a newborn, suddenly were going to be out of the routine of looking after a baby.

I have known from a very young age that I wanted a big family, I had always imagined myself with two kids fairly close in age, I've also always been fixated on kids growing up together because that would create this sibling friendship were they grow up close and create precious memories together but a nice gap were its a slight breeze I keep some sanity and its not a complete challenge to get 3 of us out the door on time, in my head it would all be very precise, planned and perfect. I have also known from a young age that having heart problems would make pregnancy extremely difficult and labour would be like a running a marathon, one I've not trained for, one my heart might not cope with. I went through it all with Kian but Kian wasn't planned and the only way to describe a situation like that is going on holiday and your bags get lost in transit you just have to get on and enjoy your holiday with the clothes you have on your back because shit happens and you just have to deal with it ( you do understand I'm not comparing my unplanned pregnancy to luggage right ?)  I was pregnant so we dealt with the rubbish that came along with pregnancy and having heart problems until we got our reward at the end.

But planning it, well its different, your making that decision to put yourself through pregnancy and labour knowing its going to be tough, going back to the luggage would you deliberately choose to leave your suitcase at home and go on holiday with nothing ?  You might take stuff out the case  but that takes some organisation, planning what outfit you'll wear twice, making sure you've got all the essentials you need and while I desperately want that 'perfect' age gap physically having so many health problems its the whole fear of the unknowing not to mention the amount of planning it takes and I'm not just talking simple terms like having an ovulation app dictate your sex life  its having to plan so far ahead making changes left right and centre to nearly every aspect of your life, from stopping medication and treatments that help you lead a normal life to trying out every trick in the book to help lower your blood pressure its simply not as straightforward  as removing clothes from a suitcase as much as I wish it was.

 My pregnancy was hard not in a sense I had bad sickness or anything like that in fact none of it was physical, yes my body was carrying and growing a baby, yes my heart problems caused my blood pressure to rock through the roof and I spent most of it trapped inside a hospital room ( waiting on my  luggage to finally appear)  but strangely my health didn't deteriorate in fact if anything my health improved although it came back with a vengeance when Kian was only a few months old, but  its the hard decisions your faced with during pregnancy, I mean having to stopping drugs that help you function because there's no research on them with pregnancy but here's a drug that stunts the baby's growth.  I remember reaching 35 weeks going for a scan and hearing that Kian had stopped growing which was so heartbreaking to hear even though we knew that was always likely to happen anyway but nothing can prepare you for when it does happen and something no parent should ever have to go through is having to decide wither to be induced early because the chances of stillbirth are higher or to give your baby that extra chance to grow its life shattering. For me it wasn't a question, being induced and having him small but alive was the choice I made except ironically he stayed put was born late but healthy yet he also didn't grow anymore either despite having the extra few weeks inside which I think truly shows how much of an affect high blood pressure and beta blockers have on an unborn baby.

And while I don't usually share that detail with just anyone, I have noticed that suddenly me becoming pregnant  again has become a major topic this year as kian's 3rd birthday draws closer.

all the advice of having that perfect age gap I listen to and as more and more  people I met during prenatal classes with my first fall pregnant with their second  I have become more and more the odd one out , The only one who's not rubbing a bump or sitting at the toddler area with a baby strapped to my front.

Personally it bothers me not because I wish people would stop giving me their opinion about this perfect age gap but because why does it Matter ? What's really the huge deal with this perfect age gap ?

 Is it not ok to have an imperfect age gap ? surly it's only imperfect if you let it be

I don't know why a year ago having another one is too soon your supposed to enjoy your first, before having a second yet suddenly a year on now's the perfect time.

I love being a mum, love a full house and I do feel some grief that because of my health problems I'm not providing my first born with this 'perfect' gap, were he creates this closeness with another and doesn't grow to resent them but with so many of my friends already on their second even third me and Kian are never far away from a baby a toddler, or a nippy VTech toy and right know that fulfils us and at the end of the day we wave goodbye and were content with the life we have right know as a family of 3 despite everyone giving their opinion on this perfect age gap.

I don't know why this is , I don't understand because surly not one age gap fits all ? I also didn't know there was an expiration period on having a second surly its up to you to figure out what works best for you and your family but yet here we are too big an age gap but were ok with that regardless of how long that may be so everyone else should be to.

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