Wednesday, 5 April 2017
Another piece of me is broken right now.
I've shared with you all every high and low from my heart journey in the past 3 years, from tears to joy, fainting to ablations, pacemakers to depression even photos of my scars on my chest But I'm struggling to talk about something that even I Inappropriate Danielle is finding difficult.
So why is it I'm finding it hard to talk about what I'm going through right now ?
Truthfully I'm embarrassed, my bladders went into retention, it's stopped working on its own.This is really uncomfortable makes toilet trips impossible but the hardest part of it all I'm so desperately sad and embarrassed, I have a catheter and a leg bag because I'm physically unable to go on my own now.
Why this slight bump in my health journey feels so much worse than anything that's happened before I have no idea, I suppose it's because it's personal.
Maybe I'm worried people will laugh, make jokes, perhaps I'm concerned this is too private to talk about on my blog ? But I honestly feel like I need to be brave for others with this in the way I was brave for others with ist.
When I say the words 'I can't pee', out loud, I get a huge lump in my throat, my voice changes tone, my heart flutters and my cheeks beam bright red.
Dougie said to me after we got in the car from the hospital, I don't understand everyone gets the urge to pee and eventually they pee, your bladder can only hold so much before eventually it bursts and you'll go. I felt like I was going to explode but nothing happened, even running the tap leaning desperately forward squeezing for over 10 minutes nothing was happening except pain.
Emotionally it's knocked me I feel nothing but sadness, everyday this tube is inside its slowly absorbing my independence, its draining my happiness I just keep thinking I've had enough health issues to last me a life time surely I catch a break soon,it just feels so unfair.
I'm trying so hard to keep my positive thinking hat on, maintain my happy go lucky attitude but I can sense that my family know it's forced that my smile isn't genuine, my pathetic jokes about the perks of not having to get up to use the bathroom don't ring true. I just can't bring myself to admit that I'm struggling, I don't want to talk about my lazy bladder how its stopped working and how I can't pee on my own.
God this isn't like me normally my family give me a row they tell me you shouldn't share anything that you would be to ashamed to hear read back and normally I have to rack my brain to think of something so it's ridiculous that this has throwing me so much, it's pathetic that I feel shame over a normal body function but guess what I feel shame because something as simple as peeing I can't do on my own right now.
I'm waiting for an emergency appointment to see urology, where I will be giving a scan and a scope to look inside my bladder which will hopefully give some answers, their also going to take the catheter out and see if my bladder will work on its own again, but all I can think about is what if it doesn't ? How long will I need to walk around with a tube inside my bits and a drainage bag attached to my leg for ?
It's horrible I can't wear anything decent because of the bag, I'm spending everyday in my pyjamas because I'm too embarrassed to go out, I'm so self conscious I know nobody can see it underneath my trousers but I feel like they can, I spend every evening changing the bag over to a bigger one, throughout the day I'm having to drain it , the bladder spasms are painful it's like your body doesn't like having tubes were it wouldn't normally have them and because of the spasms it's causing urine to leak outside the bag this is another reason that's making me scared to go out ,secondly because of that I'm having to wear incontinence pads to control the leaks.
Bladder retention normally happens to older men who have enlarged prostates so why it's happened to me is abit of a mystery but hopefully I get some answers soon. I got my impacted wisdom tooth removed last week which I found to be a traumatic experience and I guess sometimes our body's react to stress and trauma in strange ways.
The thing that makes me want to share this post is that I've learnt bladder retention can effect anyone with or without reason some due to childbirth, medication or cancer, and I'm pretty confident many of them will feel embarrassed and shame like I do but I guess I'm trying to carry my experience like a banner to help others know it's ok to feel this way.
Till I'm able to pee on my own again I'm putting a smile on, trying to get through one day at a time and I'm trying so hard to not let this sadness and embarrassment take over even when it feels like it has the power to do so.
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