Monday 18 April 2016

Dear younger me

Dear younger self

You think you know everything and what life is all about, at this time your imagining that when your 24 going onto 25 that you will still be doing they handstands and cartwheels you loved to do and by now you  would have a shelf full of  gold metals next to the ones you earned when you were younger all that training, hard work pushing yourself and your body further than it could go, to be able to do the splits without it hurting and watching the TV at the same time was a huge achievement, your coach always used to tell you the Chinese gymnasts you are so jealous of that you watch on TV are so good, because they push themselves to be better, so you pushed yourself harder you wanted to be just as good as them maybe even better, when you look back at your first video recording that your dad filmed  and the memory of the first ever  gold medal you were rewarded, you were rolling around dressed up as a cat that was just the beginning you came on so much , that roll soon turned to cartwheels and flips having the strength and power to walk the length of a pile of mats just using your hands, or that moment you finally managed to do the perfect bridge you would win hands down at the bleep test it was so easy while you watched everyone else struggle you weren't even trying you just had the stamina to keep going and win, you travelled the country competing against others, no pain no gain you were always told, falling off that slim beam and bursting your lip open as your balance was your biggest weakness and you did have to work on that aspect a little more than the rest, that one medal turned to a few and you dreamed of one day going far you would eat less and worry what you ate because you knew you had to be light and thin to be able to compete faster and better than all the others. You didn't have a care in the world except the fear of being fat, or falling off the beam

You imagine that you will be going on holiday topping up that tan you always had, you will have a good job making money, spending the weekends treating yourself to nice things, simply enjoying life with good friends, you dream of having that flashy car and you wish your life away thinking about when you grow up what things will be like.

Dear younger me.

I'm so sorry to tell you, this isn't the case,

You haven't done a cartwheel or handstand in years, not since You dislocated and had surgery on your knee you can barely balance on 2 feet let alone balance on two hands what you didn't know was it wasn't a talent you were hypermobile, that strength and power you had to carry around your whole body weight.. you don't even have the strength and power to walk up a flight of stairs anymore and that running you used to do without even a glimpse of a struggle.. that's long gone, its an achievement to make it to the bus stop without having to stop to catch your breath, that glowing tan faded when your heart became bad and the sun made your heart worse , most holidays are spent trying to lie in the sun with a good book desperate to get that glow back but then realising your failing miserably your body isn't like it used to be, so maybe the ghost look is something you just have to get used to ,you barely  go out with friends because the abundance of friends you had well, Most of them vanished when your heart broke and even more vanished when you became a mum You very rarely have the time let alone the energy to enjoy days and nights out with friends, You did get a good job but Your very rarely there and most days and months are spent at the doctors getting check ups and sick lines because your health just isn't how it used to be and you forever feel like the new girl trying to fit in,  even when You are well enough to work  your  to sick, or exhausted to have the luxury of treating yourself  to nice things unless it's by the Internet, and lets face it as much as the Internet is fab its not the same trying to find a dress, trying to picture what it really looks like through a screen

Dear younger me,

Things didn't turn out how You had hoped or dreamed they would in fact the complete opposite, you didn't  know at the age of 21 your life would be flipped upside down and you would battle everyday to feel normal, you didn't know back then when your  24 going on 25 that you would spent it being sick and in hospital getting a new pacemaker. You didn't know that you would see more doctors and specialists than you do friends,that they holidays you used to go on constantly are few and far between because you now have commitments, that you would have a heart problem and sit in the same hospital ward and clinic were you reflect  back to your younger self without that care in the world except to be thin now being fat is the least of your  concerns and do you know something?  you did gain weight because your active lifestyle of being a gymnast faded along with your younger healthier self.

Dear younger me,

You will be faced with challenges you didn't know existed, you will cry, feel fed up,lonely, grieve for your old life you will want to give up at times, life itself will feel impossible and who could blame you ? life  has been really hard for you, It will be tough, but your stronger than you think and you will get through it.

Dear younger me

I'm here to tell you, you might never do that handstand again or even walk up that flight of stairs ever again, but you have found new talents and ways to do things,you didn't know how easy it would be to teach yourself knitting by using a book and you wouldn't of discovered how fun it is and how much you could do if it wasn't for your heart being crap, mentally you are stronger and don't care that people might think your lazy for taking the lift rather than the stairs or the bus for one stop, they haven't experienced the pain and breathlessness you have, they friends you lost along the way were never really friends in the first place you just had to find that out the hard way you will be blessed with new friends ones who try to understand and are forever, who are always at the end of a phone no matter what , who go at your slow pace , it doesn't matter that you let them down from time to time, they know its not on purpose and there's always another day they know how frustrated and upset you are that sometimes your just not able, you will meet mum friends since you now  have the courage to go along to groups and classes alone something you would have never done before, if that bad day hadn't  happen were Kian just cried for what felt like hours for no reason you would have never just shoved him in the pram and  walked to that toddler group found that chair beside some mums all for that 5 Min's peace,  your days will be filled with cups of tea, laughter and the joys of watching your children grow up together and become friends You will get married and be blessed to have a husband who cares loves and looks after you who worships the ground you walk on, it doesn't matter that you might never be that slim beautiful wife because he loves you anyway and he knows how hard its all been because he's witnessed every single hard moment that was just as hard for him.

Dear younger self

I guess I'm just here to tell you life will take a turn for the unexpected, you will learn to smile to be happy to cherish every moment and the things you do have, to never take anything for granted, just to enjoy the present life your living now, stop dreaming and thinking what things could be like because you will miss whats right in front you, it's going to be okay even when sometimes it feels like it isn't life will knock you down on more than one occasion but it will always get better, that is just life.


older and wiser me.


                                                          Find me also

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