What's brought me to write this post is I need another operation, god even when I say that word I feel sick, my palms start to sweat, my heart races and I want to cry. As soon as she pulled the x rays up on the screen and asked me to look at them I knew what she was going to say before she even spoke.
The surgery I need is pretty minor, my wisdom tooth is impacted and stuck in my jaw bone so it's having to be surgically removed but my heart problems smacked me in the face, their concerned my heart will go crazy, it beats crazy fast all the time anyway so I guess it wasn't rocket science to figure out, that it's not going to behave during surgery, so I have been sent to another hospital miles from home but one were there's doctors who are able to give me medication to knock me out so I'm not aware of the surgery,You would think this oral surgeon would have gained my trust taking all these precautions.
She asked if I get anxious about going to the dentist, I didn't want to act like a big baby so I asked her if there was anyway it could be left, I told her my mind and body don't feel ready for another operation, but the damage has already started, because my wisdom tooth is impacted its starting to cause tooth decay and it's also starting to rot the healthy tooth next to it so not only does my wisdom tooth need to be surgically removed I will also have to go back to the dentist and get root canal treatment on the tooth next to it so leaving it wasn't an option.
As she pointed at the x-ray I was suddenly reminded of everything that went wrong with my heart, the nerve damage I live with everyday, my heart being damaged during my ablation, where my tooth is, its beside a huge nerve so there's a risk of permanent nerve damage. I find it so hard to trust medical professionals, I don't mean it in a bad sort of way, but I always believed they fixed things, made things better, I find it so difficult to let down my guard and trust everything will be ok, I guess my trust issues stem from everything with my heart.
I do forget all the bad things that happened with my heart but its like my body remembers, it keeps it stuffed away until something triggers it. Whether it be a sound, something I see, a word or a person it awakens me to it all. Right now it's not even about needing an operation, or the pain after its everything that happened in the past, I've built up a wall, a huge defence mechanism to ensure trust isn't lost again but needing another operation I'm having to tear that wall down and its something that I'm finding incredibly difficult. truthfully I'm terrified something will go wrong.
Going through so much getting ablation after ablation that didn't work, it changes you, getting a pacemaker it changes you, each tablet changes you, everything that goes wrong it changes you, you lose hope but you start to loose so much trust, you feel like your constantly shoved on the end no matter how much you kick or scream, on the end were you have to put trust in people to fix you, to make you better, we constantly have to let down our guard, put our full trust in others and its scary.
When I got my pacemaker I wasn't crying because of the pain or the experience, I was in tears because I heard 'trust me he's a good cardiologist', I heard that from so many doctors, but yet he couldn't fix mine, he tried 3 times and eventually damaged it, a huge risk that was put out there but one you don't think will actually happen, so how can you trust when trusts already been broken.
Trust is something that can be hard for a lot of us, the other day my friend who's a nurse, ironically she works in a surgical ward she sees people get fixed, get better all the time, sick people put their trust in her everyday but the funny thing is she also needs surgery and over a cuppa she asked me how do I do it ? how do I trust everything will be ok ? how do I manage to put trust in others to look after you? it brought me to notice everyone has trust issues when it comes to our health, when it comes down to trusting doctors to fix you, make you better while you're in a vulnerable state its terrifying.
Trust is like paper once its been crumpled it can't be perfect again but if I've learned anything about having so many operations its just how strong we are as human beings, we DO put our trust in others despite how hard it all is, we dig deep and find the strength and courage within us because we have no choice our body needs this now but we know it wouldn't be forever, most importantly we have to surround ourselves with people who have gained our trust especially when trust is so hard to earn, when you surround yourself with the right people nothing can truly go wrong even when you fear it all will.
As my pre op to make sure am fit for surgery draws closer, (it's the start of December) I'm worrying the actual surgery will be before Christmas. I feel this huge chunk of happiness drain out of me Christmas is a time to celebrate and be close to loved ones and a lot of my Christmases have been spent being unwell or recovering from surgery, it was only last year I was stuck in bed with an infected pacemaker part of me thought I would be ok this Christmas, I would be able to enjoy it, I didn't think another operation would be on the cards, I'm devastated by it, there's always something else, always something wrong with my body, sometimes it feels like there's not a part of it that's right.
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