Thursday 10 March 2016

Anything worth having was never easy

A full week has passed since my pacemaker was removed and I got my new one, your told to rest, not lift, not stretch basically do nothing ...well It feels like that anyway haha and the passed week has been spent lying around in bed stuffing my face with chocolate fizzy juice and all manner of junk food,  at the same time as moaning I need to loose weight, and leaving poor Dougie looking after kian, I felt terrible as I could hear the temper tantrum that was going on in the living room because Kian's not getting his own way, and it will always be something really stupid like not getting to climb on the fireplace or being made to sit in his high chair, as I lie in bed like lady muck with the TV enjoy some peace well it wasn't really peace having a 1 year old running around, I just wanted to get up and help , Dougie demanded me to stay in bed away from Kian as him seeing me and wanting up to play just ended up upsetting him more, I mean u can imagine the guilt when he puts his arms up crying for a cuddle and I just can't do it,  I did as I was told, but honestly I would of rather been looking after kian spending time with them both instead of being stuck in pain and just feeling like a total invalid , kids can  be hard work they know how to push buttons and boundaries and kian is pretty stubborn and a nightmare some days were he shakes his head if he doesn't want to do something, grabs his shoes and jacket and has a major meltdown when you tell him it's to early to go out yet... Which is normally 7 in the morning and you haven't even washed your face, had a cuppa or even got dressed and yep as I walked through to the bathroom he was lying face down in the hallway screaming his little face off all because he wanted to go out... poor dougie, but at the same time I thought welcome to the wonderful world of mum, something I deal with everyday... were you don't remember what a hot cuppa is like what it's like to pee in peace , or even just that 5 seconds rest, I mean its rewarding and I would never change it for the world but it's tough.

Dragged out of bed on Sunday, because' it's to nice to stay in' as Dougie put it the sun was out and here in Edinburgh you have to enjoy it because it's rarely dry never mind the sun being out I hate to say it but when we got there the sun was gone, but we spent a  lovely day in South Queensferry we had a little walk along by the sea and stopped into a little cafe called One Upon a Time. I have never seen such an amazing cafe, Charlie and the chocolate factory and Matilda wallpaper fairytale books, fairy's, sweets and cake it was heaven, and was worth getting out of bed for to enjoy a hot chocolate inside, I just love fairytales and this cafe was one huge fairytale.

Ok so going back.... am still living in heaven thinking about this little Once Upon A Time cafe as we were driving home I said to Dougie I would love to open a cafe like that, that would be my dream job were I could decorate and fill the shop with all my Disney ornaments and books, and   live in my own little fairy tale world,  but realistically unless I win the lottery it's never going to happen, that fairy tale little dream I have in my head , Was really a quick moment of dreaming, i was snapped out of dream mood when I had a occupational health meeting about going back to work just two days later. Dougie told me to cancel saying I was only a week out of getting a pacemaker there's just no way I should be going, but I felt more determined than ever, Every time I have been it's resulted in tears , full blowing tears, why is everything and everyone against me really it felt that way, I know there job is to look after your wellbeing and make sure your fit enough to return to work, but it's hard to accept when you feel able to and want to, it doesn't matter what my cardiologist had put in writing about my bad heart, I had always maintained that it's bad and I know I will always have problems but it's not going to stop me, it would be easier to give up, quit, claim benefits and sulk about how shit my heart is whatever but it's not the life I want to live, I just wanted to wake up and feel like I could win the battle I just wanted to open my eyes and feel like my days been successful and not another battle were I not only suffer but loose, and that's how I have felt with the passed appointments, some could say I was stupid for going I mean really how can you be well to go back to work a week after a pacemaker being removed and a new one implanted, the day before the hospital had phoned asking how I was feeling, because the swabs came back showing my infection was a lot worse than my bloods had showed, so if I felt unwell at all to go straight to the hospital, but anything worth having is never easy and I Knew deep down I had  to prove I could and was able to work,at least give it my best shot and if I can't manage working at least I tried God loves a trier and all that but really am a great believer In you have to try In life nothings easy but sometimes you just have to push yourself and try because it's amazing what you can do,I have always said my hearts a huge part of me and my life but that I would never let it stop me from achieving the things I want to do, and my ultimate  goal is returning back to work.

I got out of bed the morning of my appointment that feeling of butterfly's in your stomach I felt sick, like really sick with nerves, i'm such a  queen but like I said in my last post am not a stressed out sort of person but when I do get stressed it's not just unable to sleep or just feeling uptight, it's full blowing stay out Danielle's way kind of stressed because really I could cry, shout, break down, or even laugh, and my hands and neck had randomly broke out again for no reason so it must be stress right? The doctor has said In the passed,  stress makes your body do some weird things  and I do believe it's me being so stressed causing the lack of sleep, going to occupational health, I hadn't washed well I had washed at the sink yep I feel like a total minger but I just didn't have the energy and the pain was to bad aswell as having to watch the dressings, poor dougie was left helping me do my hair for the passed week I just felt shit, and Am sure I must of looked it because Dougie was at work and couldn't help me and I found myself wearing a hairband I hadn't wore in years, getting my dressings off on Monday  I looked like I had been in the middle of a battlefield, I have been living in pyjama's  and boob tubes if that's what there even called now when I did have to get dressed so I really felt stupid, I looked like I had barely anything on but I was comfy, so who cares if I looked like a complete twat, total cringe . I was late great start but rushing is just one thing I don't do especially a week after a pacemaker, I called her every name under the sun the last time as I sat crying my eyes out in the chair but actually I was shocked  when she asked about my hands I found myself saying its stress with coming here, she  questioned that I was saying she was the cause of it, and without thinking twice I said yes, I mean what the hell had I just done, dug an even bigger hole for myself , but I just wanted to be honest about it all, I really felt like I didn't care and I just had to get it off my chest,but instead she listen how I explained about constantly being told I can't work ,how it was one thing after another with my health and being even more honest I'm just completely stressed out and worked up about the whole situation because its never ending as much as I smile and put on a brave face inside am hurting grieving the life I had once had, trying to get used to having a pacemaker and still getting used to being a mum, Kians 16 months but everyday I feel like am still learning.  Every time I have this appointment my hands randomly break out, obviously I filled her in on my new pacemaker.were a week after a new pacemaker she put  in writing to be sent to my line manager that I could return to work once I have recovered  as much as I wish I was superwoman and bounced back quickly I'm not I'm human and I need to recover ,  before throwing myself  in at the deep end .. And it really is the deep end I haven't worked in 17 months, I am extremely nervous about it but excited at the same time eek !

Finally something positive as I left it was the best feeling phoning Dougie with good news instead of me phoning and sobbing my heart out, saying its never going to get better, I mean Im far from being recovered and feeling better it has only been a week, Im still a bruised sore mess but finally having something positive to focus on just makes the crap situation a little easier , I mean finally its took a long time but the light is at the end of the tunnel, emotionally and physically its been tough recovering having Kian, I just feel completely wiped out its like mentally and physically its been a huge weight I have carried around for so long and its finally been lifted. Last time I found myself rushing back to things and maybe it was to soon, but I always thought stupidly because am young I would bounce back from it all and recover quickly but I don't think it matters what age you are, everybody needs rest and time to recover, part of me is scared wondering if I will manage if I will make it through that shift without having to either lie in a dark room and cry because working in the theatres is tough and so stressful or fall down with my heart playing up but I wouldn't ever know if I don't try.

Today I treated myself and finally my hair got washed properly at the hairdressers its amazing how you feel so much better when you shove on some lipstick and your hairs done that I found myself venturing out with Kian and we spent the afternoon at softplay but lord that was very stressful kids are horrible with one pushing Kian knocking his chocolate bar out his hand and then kian screaming because I binned the chocolate bar  so he had a full blowing paddy in the middle of soft play and tomorrow will be my first day having Kian on my own for a full day, and the pacemaker will probely  be hit and kicked a million times I will be beyond exhausted and I will think omg why did I do this to myself so soon but  I'm  doing it all for Kian, I hope one day and am sure he will read this blog and I hope he will be proud and know that everything I done, making the decision to have that last ablation that failed miserably  making the decision to get a pacemaker that I done it all for him I just wanted to be a mum, not a sick mum that has all these struggles, Life is only 10 % what happens to us and 90% how we react and I could of just admitted defeat  with work with everything  but I would of hated to never have got that last ablation constantly left wondering if my heart could of been fixed or not making that step and returning to work left wondering if I could of completed that 13 hour shift and if I can't manage then its fine then I will admit defeat but defeat is not the worst failure, not to have tried is the true failure.

                                                               Love and hugs


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