I've been to see my lovely cardiologist this week and I'm grinning like a Cheshire cat, because for once it's not been an appointment which has ended up with me being placed on the waiting list for an ablation since 2013.
When he asked if I've had any blacks out since the last time, I hadn't my heart was still fast but I hadn't blacked out in 4 months the longest I've ever went.
The honest thing is I've just been getting on with it and ignoring it all, making the most out of a rubbish situation,, I still have dizzy spells especially if I'm standing for a long time, I still notice my heart randomly racing, I still get breathless and have had a few near floor moments but I've managed to lie down before falling down. I've so many times questioned myself why I went ahead with the 3rd ablation and a pacemaker when I knew it wouldn't solve everything, but this is the best I've felt in a long time.
Another ablation is always an option, but an option for now that's on hold for 2 reasons one being how unfair he thinks it is to put me through another one so soon, also because of how happy I am compared to 6 months ago, but the biggest one because it's most likely going to end up like all the others.
I know my heart will never be 'normal', I know my hearts never going to be fixed, I've came to understand and accept that.
Life seemed so hard and unfair at times, happiness and dreams were instead replaced with sadness and isolation, my goals were put on a long waiting list and I didn't know when they would reach the top, if they ever would. For the passed few years I've felt in a vulnerable state, a state that I felt would never pass because it's been present for so long.
My appointment opened my eyes to again how awareness is important, because like so many effected with this condition your left with very little knowledge , answers and support, awareness brings hope, a reason to not give up, educating others so others don't have to go through what you have. One voice is like a small drop in the ocean but altogether it creates a huge wave. Awareness has the ability to change so many people's lives.
Although I feel great and I'm on top of the world at the moment I know how quickly that can all change ,I know my next appointment might be different, things might not be the same, but this week I'm feeling even more happy and blessed, and of course I only have one person to thank for all of that my cardiologist.
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