No matter how much I wanted to pretend I felt ok and well, I couldn't, my healths slowly decreasing again, and on Thursday when I met with my cardiologist looking back at my recent 24 hour heart tapes the decision was finally made for me to be placed on the list for another electrophysiology study and heart ablation number 3.
Living inside a body that on the outside looks so bright and beautiful but on the inside is faulty and failing often becomes to much, trying to explain to people how you are so different from one day to another, the whole of last week was just rocky, I had made plans to meet an old friend but waking up at 3 in the morning knowing I really didn't feel well, the chest pain my heart racing, I started to throw up and spent over an hour just lying on the bathroom floor being sick,. Poor Dougie had to get up with Kian and also phone into work as I was just physically unable to do anything, the battle of trying to swallow my heart tablets knowing they would help but knowing that I couldn't even keep water down I was in for a long hard day, you know its bad when you swallow the sickness tablets but they don't even help. Dougie made the decision to phone my doctor who said to Dougie to keep making sure I was sipping water and hopefully it would all pass soon.The whole of Tuesday was just a blur when you spent the whole day physically unable to leave bed even just sitting up is a challenge and I was just so grateful that Dougie took the day off work to look after Kian so I could sleep the day away, sleeping until you just feel normal but what is normal when this is a daily occurrence and just happens out of no were, the guilt I felt seeing my smiley baby boy yet no matter how much I tried and wanted to look after Kian and do simple things and just be a mum I physically couldn't the guilt just ate away at me.
I am so lucky to have Dougie who isn't just my husband, my bestfriend and my carer when I am so sick the one who just cuddles me and tells me it will all be ok, the only one who can still make me smile despite everything.
Walking up on the Wednesday, you wake up feeling not to bad and you actually think your ok, until you step out of bed and the dizziness hits you then you realise for a second you felt normal, Dougie had to go to work and I begged him not to take anymore time off using holidays to look after me because am too sick just made the guilt eat away at me even more, he phoned his mum who came and took Kian and seeing Kian smiling and going away was a huge kick in the stomach, why can't I just be ok even trying to dress Kian was a task,when you have no energy for anything Kian's just so bright and hyper and I just wanted to lie in a heap, so again I spent my whole Wednesday sleeping just trying and hoping to feel better.
Heading to my appointment the next again day wasn't a good start I had to phone my cardiologist as I was running late and the same routine of the nurse saying my blood pressure was extremely high my height and weight was checked and then the dreaded wait lucky for me I didn't have long to wait, despite being so late, when my cardiology asked what dosage I was taking of my heart tablets I just started laughing and explained some days I take double the dose some days nothing and just see how I feel in the morning and decide expecting to be told off he laughed with me but has came to the decision he wants to try again for a 3rd time, adding me to the list I explained I had a holiday book so he has decided to do it after my holiday so am not to unwell to go away, he called the area of my heart dodgy territory and that was the whole reason he stopped during the last procedure,as he explained my heart was starting to race and was afraid if he carried on it would of resulted in my heart rate dropping dramatically and needing a pacemaker to speed it back up, but he has finally came to the decision this time he isn't going to stop and see what my heart does, and explained that no matter what happens this time I can't and wouldn't feel worse than I already do now and if I do need a pacemaker that it wouldn't be the end of the world, so the papers were signed and I was added to the list for a 3rd time, he said he is unable to make any promises that this 3rd one will be a success but is worth all the risks.
My little Handsome baby boy, Kian is just such a happy smiley baby and the guilt I feel being to sick to look after him eats away at me.
Words can't describe how nervous and scared I feel all ready about the next ablation, just holding onto hope and staying positive that 3rd time might be lucky but the hardest thing this time will be having to leave Kian but focusing on him and thinking of all the lovely things I might be able to do if my hearts finally fixed and I might finally beat all this will keep me strong, so please keep your fingers and toes crossed for me, and thanks to everyone that has followed me on this bumpy journey, after the rain hopefully comes the bright shiny rainbow I have been waiting on.
Kian at 19 weeks my little high risk smiley baby boy who just amazes me everyday, who I treasure growing so much <3
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