I am never really one to talk about this sort of stuff on my blog as I hate to show weakness and always try so hard to not let my heart problems get to me or even upset me, but for me that's slowly becoming difficult, but I want to be honest about the way I am feeling and also am sure others can relate to it all but are maybe scared or to embarrassed to talk about it, the fear of being judge as mental health is something that people are afraid of or are afraid to admit, one thing that stops me telling people around me is because I don't want to be treated any different I don't want people frightened to say or do things around me I don't want people to feel sorry for me I just want to share how I am feeling as this is my blog and my journey and I hope could maybe help others in the same situation.
Things have been so difficult since having kian my health has been slowly getting worse and last week things were just taking its toll on me,just generally feeling fed up I felt like I was stuck in the middle of being happy and sad I didn't even no how I really felt, I just felt consumed by guilt that's been eating away at me for months blaming myself for kian stopping growing when I was pregnant thinking if there was anything I could of or should of done different blaming myself for discharging myself from hospital all the time and not increasing my medication when I was told to, when maybe I should of listened, hating myself for not been able to look after kian how I would like to, getting frustrated at how I sometimes fear doing things or going out because the fear of fainting is just to much and above all just feeling so frustrated that I just want to be better,spending days just feeling teary and with each passing day just getting more frustrated, the nightmares that would wake me up during the night where I just wake up panicking and just feel so frightened or when I try to sleep and physically feel exhausted but everything runs through my mind, I knew it was all just getting worse and with my next ablation coming up I just keep thinking if it can't be fixed again I worry how bad I will feel,after my second failed ablation I just felt numb and the day after spent the day walking through town and I just amazed everyone how a day later I could do that, but it was my way of coping and just trying to forget, I hate the feeling that I drag everyone down around me and knew that if I just focused and said I was fine then I wouldn't have to admit how bad I did feel.
The hardest part was making the appointment with my doctor and finally finding the courage to admit that I felt I just wasn't coping with my heart problems at all and how difficult it was on bad days and having Kian, she started asking me questions about Kian like his he eating,sleeping growing can I play with him and after me answering yes to every single question she simply said well why do you feel guilty ? And instead of feeling guilty I should be giving myself a pat on the back for being a mummy which is hard at the best of times but also managing when I am unwell hearing words like that doesn't make you feel better, hearing again if I was in your shoes I would be teary and fed up 2 doesn't make it easier either because nobody can understand or even relate when your faced with such an unpredictable condition. The outcome of the appointment my doctor decided it would be helpful to talk to someone about my fears and the way I felt and also prescribed me medication to help lift my mood and explained she didn't think I was depressed my fears were real and if I didn't have these problems that fear would no longer exist she kept saying it would get better and I had to remind her that already I had 2 failed ablations what if the 3rd didn't work .. Would it ever get better ? And that's something after 3 years I have yet to find anyone even my cardiologist say it could or it would.
The next obstacle was finding a place for me to go to see someone during my appointment the doctor pulled out a big folder but I didn't fit into any the categories and the only one she could suggest and find was a postnatal depression unit and that maybe they would help because I had just had a baby, going along for the assessment the councillor said she didn't think this was the place for me, but making me fill in the sheet they decided it was a different situation but they would happily see me and try to help the best they could with the fears I described.
When I went along to my first counselling session I really didn't no what to expect and even felt a little nervous sitting me in a quiet room with a glass of water and throwing intense questions at me I was struggling to answer them I have never been one to be open to strangers and especially when it comes to how bad my heart feels,the councillor said she wanted to gain my trust and just to open up so she could help, but I was finding it so hard and all I could say was I was frightened Of fainting, dropping and hurting kian ,taking me into the art therapy room with a pile of paints pens and clay she asked me to draw how I was feeling,I just staring blankly at her as I just kept thinking how could art help the way I was feeling, she described how there's a big Danielle and a little Danielle the big Danielle who's feeling fine can do things the little Danielle is frightened and emotional and described that instead of my feelings and fears been swept aside I had to face the fear and listen to the little Danielle , she described how everyone has a little person inside themselves that needs looked after but I had to find that within me first and to find it it might help by just drawing like I did when I was little, scribbles things that didn't make any sense but they mean something to me and that would make a start on finding the little person inside me that and was something I have never done before, I have been giving 20 sessions and then will be reviewed after that admitting how bad mentally I felt with my heart and how I wasn't coping as well as I made out did make me feel a million times better and this week my huge goal is to find that little person within me so at my next session I can maybe look at the next step of facing my fears.
Now for some positives, Kian is now 25 weeks and nearly a whole 6 months, he rolled from his back to his front for the first time is getting weighed again on Monday, he is enjoying his food and and is always just so happy, I took him along to baby peeps for the first time and he loved it think I enjoyed it better than he did his first passport came the other day since we are off to sunny spain in just over 2 weeks and I really can't wait to enjoy the sun and spent well deserved time with my boys.
24 weeks today fascinated with hair likes to pull mums , is getting good at sitting up but still falls over if he reaches to far for his toys, reaches and grabs everything phones and tv remotes especially, doesn't like men and cries if any of them try to hold him, loves you to sing to him and when you shout no no he giggles and his sore eye finally looks like it's cleared up
25 weeks rolled for the first time from his back to front now manages to bum shuffle out his bath chair sometimes wakes during the night but just lies talking to himself till he goes back to sleep likes to bang toys to make lots of noise.
Kian also loves to pull faces now
Lots of Love and hugs
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