My 3rd ablation was Tuesday the 16th of June, leaving kian the night before broke every piece of my heart that didn't already feel broken, I hate leaving him, heading into the hospital it was the only time through everything with my heart I have actually felt so scared, frightened,frightened of not the pain and not physically how I would feel after but mentally, The wait of waiting to be took round to the labs felt likes forever watching every second pass on the clock, when my cardiologist came to see me that fear grow worse if my hearts natural pacemaker was damaged I would have to stay in hospital to see if it repaired itself, and that would mean not seeing kian for longer, and if it didn't I would need a pacemaker,As any mummies understand its horrible leaving them when there so little but even worse when its not by choice, I dragged myself to the toilet to put my gown on were I bursted into tears ,I knew I needed to just man up,get the gown on and go back out but another part of me thought If I stayed locked in the toilet I wouldn't have to go through with it I literally came out the toilet when the nurse came to take me to the cath labs.
It was a lovely nurse called Jeff everyone needs a nurse like Jeff being left to say goodbye to Dougie, Jeff told me to not looked so frightened I explained my fears of how I felt it all the last time and how it was so painful he told me not to even speak just growl at him and he would give me more sedation, It was like I started to block out everything lying on the table my mind a complete blank I didn't want to talk to anyone I just wanted to lie wrap myself up in a ball and cry, placing all the monitors on me and the woman asking how old my baby was I really didn't want to talk I just wanted it all to be over,The lovely nurse Jeff came over to give me some sedation and telling me a joke about an octopus I didn't laugh I cant even remember the joke, I didn't want to laugh, there was music playing and I slowly felt myself going calm with the medication I didn't even feel the local being injected into my groin, its that nice feeling of you know what's happening but your to tiered to care, as soon as they started I felt the pain in my chest of the wires, and asked for more sedation, I don' really remember how long into it but I remember him telling me he was going to do some treatment and feeling my heart racing so much but I always found closing my eyes and just letting it race known it was all a step closer to hopefully being fixed, I can't remember much else I guess I must of been sedated more when I woke up I actually through I had dreamt my heart had been fixed but I hadn't dreamt it, it was real my heart had been fixed were my heart rate was dropped from 150bpm down to 80bpm and there was a huge difference in the P waves of my heart, but that he had discovered another part but that part didn't seem to be doing anything at the time, I was told it was tricky and had took 8 attempts of burning it to destroy it and this time unlike my other attempts my heart was really sensitive to adrenaline. Doing an ecg a few hours later my heart rate had dropped to 55bpm were he even double checked it, and didn't seem concerned how low it had went, he said this was amazing he had never seen my heart so slow and even asked if I felt better already.
I looked the colour of the sheets but my heart dropped to an amazing 55bpm after the ablation.
Recovering from the ablation was hard, Dougie went back to work the next day sore and exhausted I had a 7 month old baby to look after aswell as myself, but running around after Kian I didn't notice my heart at all had no dizziness no fainting nothing, walking to the shops with Kian I could push the pram and not feel out of breath, I could bath him and could even manage a hot bath myself without having to lie down with the dizzy or faint feeling and lasted 3 weeks with no symptoms, and no medication.
Reaching the end of the week I started to get bad chest pain were I physically couldn't move picking up the phone I phoned Dougie he had to come home he was out with friends and I felt awful dragging him away but I needed help, Kian was screaming fighting his sleep and I couldn't even pick him up the pain was unbearable and even swallowing painkillers they weren't even touching it, phoning nhs 24 they told me to go straight to hospital, this even angered me It was late at night and Kian was now asleep I had to arrange someone to come over to watch him. At hospital It was a busy Friday night and left sitting on a chair in the middle of the corridor for over an hour I felt invisible the nurses just walking passed like I wasn't even there, it would of been nice for someone to explain what was going on what I was waiting on or even if they asked how I felt yet nobody did, I sat feeling more angry watching all the drunk people falling about, I didn't want to be here I was actually ready to get up and leave I was tiered exhausted and generally fed up when a nurse called me taking me into a bay I was giving an Ecg which caught some abnormalities giving a chest x'ray and bloods to rule out a blood clot by this point I had been awake for over 24hours lying on the bed I felt like everyone was really far away, like down at a far end of a corridor yet it was really noisy,The same answer of it's all just my heart again I pulled my drip out and left, I feel embarrassed the way I acted am normally so calm, patient and understanding but that Friday I had simply had enough.
Heading to my check up with my doctor I explained everything that had happened, taking my pulse which was 161bpm she told me to take my heart tablets the ivabradine to control it, and I just had to carry on as much as possible and turned to look at Kian in the pram and said he needed me to, I just had to sit and wait it all out and just try to deal with it as best as I could, my cardiologist is organising another 24 hour monitor and then we would go from there. I wanted to grab a crate of red bull put it in front of her, tell her to drink it all, not eat anything donate a pint of blood stand up and get on with it because it's not easy, and even harder with a baby.
Me and my beautiful little boy Kian
The few days my heart was fixed I treasured how well and good I did feel, like when I was pregnant,when you have had that 'I feel better' feeling you realise how bad you do feel, when that feeling is gone, and you question if it was best to have never had that feeling, because then you wouldn't no what that feeling is like and you wouldn't miss it the feeling of a normal heart.
Saturday is mine and dougie's 10 k were I am still going ahead with it I am determined to run,walk or even crawl over the finishing line, having that has gave me something to focus on, and raising money is a way of helping others with this awful condition, as I do truly hope one day there might be a permanent fix and more research done on ist and I always hold onto that hope. Saturday will be pushing my heart to a new limit and I really don't no how it will cope I have never ever done anything like it, I walked a marathon before my heart problems but this will be the first time doing something with my inappropriate heart. If you would like to support us and donate every penny really counts you can do so on our just giving page, the link is below, and don't forget to share my story, to spread the awareness on ist.
Kian is now 33 weeks nearly 8 months were has the time gone it just feels like he was born yesterday, he makes every morning worth getting up, and my main reason for carrying on and not giving up, Its harder now he's on the move he can't crawl but rolls everywere and shuffles I can't keep up with him most days he tries to climb out of everything and you really can't take your eyes off him for 2 mins.
33 weeks today, puts his arms up to be lifted, has started to shuffle across the room , tries to climb out of everything even the jumparoo by grabbing onto the birds 🙈 is frightened of the Hoover and screams when he sees it laughs at other children,screams if you take something off him likes to open wipes and pull them out by one still doesn't like men and cries if they speak to him ,loves his food and likes everything but broccoli which he spits out ,still sleeps through the night always full of smiles, such a proud mummy
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