When you become ill its so easy to become a different person, for me I lost my sparkle, my happy bright attitude, and slowly as the days turned into many years that bright happy sparkly person I used to be wasn't there anymore, no matter how hard I tried to be that person I couldn't, its so easy to loose sight of the person you used to be I was consumed by anger, jealous and self pity and felt I was pulling everyone down around me.
To get my sparkle back I can't get rid of what's taking it away as I have no escape from my body and despite doing all the rehab with my knee and taking all my medication for my heart and also going through the two heart ablations it never seems to get better, the drugs minimise my symptoms on good days but it doesn't make it better, watching everyone else doing simple things makes me angry and jealous as sometimes for me walking to the end of the street is difficult and exhausting and you spend the rest of the day recovering, but over the past few weeks I feel I am getting some sparkle back in my life.
To start with growing up I had always dyed my hair blonde but after my first collapse and being diagnosed I suddenly stopped, as something so simple like going to the hairdressers became a task and something I had no interest in but the other week I decided to get blonde highlights back in my hair and already felt I was gaining some of my confidence back. I also started taking Kian to baby massage something I would never have done going to a class with people I didn't no as the fear of something happening and being with people who have no clue about my heart, but the anger and sadness got the better of me as I didn't want Kian to miss out just because I'm frightened of the big word if, and managing to sit down on the floor beside Kian was such an achievement as getting up from the floor is so difficult for me but doing it each week its slowly getting easier and the anxiety of getting stuck with my knee and fainting because I have stood up too quick is slowly disappearing.
My lovely blonde Hair and tanned skin these pictures were a few months before my first faint.
Admitting I needed someone to talk to and needing a little help also got some of my sparkle back spending a few days in tears just feeling like its all to much being sick with a baby I spoke with my health visitor who refereed me to a place for mums who are finding things a little difficult where you are able to go and meet other mums and talk about how you are feeling. Being a mum is the best job in the whole world but it is difficult and having my heart problem makes it even harder feeling unwell I used to just lie down but having Kian its not as simple as that and no matter how sick I feel I can't just lie down to it now, or how carrying Kian with my knee is really difficult and leaving the house takes me ten times longer doing stairs one at a time while carrying Kian, and having to stop every few minutes I do feel my heart racing as the thought of passing out with Kian worry's me so much.
My beautiful baby baby who is now 15 weeks, he is my whole reason for not giving up his smile just makes each day worth living, no day can be that bad when you wake up to this face. I hate having to wake Kian to go to all my early appointments and after a 12 hour sleep he still yawns, he hates it all as much as me.
I also went to my first physio appointment since having Kian and even though my surgery was 4 years ago my knee is still no better, and hearing the words I am still miles away from were I should be was soul destroying after 4 years of constant rehab to hear that, but looking at what I have achieved it is slowly getting better a few years ago I was unable to walk without crutches and a full leg brace now I might not be able to walk properly and still have my limp but I can walk and leaning on Kians buggy makes it even easier.
I turned 24 on Saturday and I spent my birthday with Dougie and enjoyed a meal and a few drinks with friends and felt I got some of my shine back, its so easy to become a shadow of the person you used to be, I fell and got lost, I guess it was so hard to see the positives when your in such a dark place.
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