life of the inappropriate tachy mummy: Sadness fills my heart

Going for my growth scan yesterday the look on the sonographer's face, when you know something is wrong but hearing it, its like hearing it for the first time the sadness filled my heart that our little miracle baby hasn't grown how doctors would hope.

Baby Urquhart is only weighing about 6 pound and on the graph doctors have drew up he/she should have grown so much more in the 4 weeks.

I always knew because of my blood pressure and heart problems and the medication this was always a risk, but after each appointment hearing how well our baby was doing I thought we would never be faced with this, sitting in the waiting room seeing mums come in with babies, more sadness filled me thinking back to anything I could of done different, maybe I should of listened to doctors more, or maybe I should of tried to live without tablets or just maybe if my heart could of been fixed this wouldn't have happened in the first place.

But instead of feeling angry and upset been put on the monitor and hearing our little baby's heart beating away I remembered how blessed I was to make it this far and be giving this little miracle after everything. Seeing the doctor it was decided because of this been a new thing with the baby and the growth having stopped they want me to go for one last check on Wednesday and getting induced for a second time on Friday, and basically no matter what happens this time I will be leaving with a baby.

This time my feelings are different about the induction, last time feeling nervous and excited, this time I have set myself up for it not working again and thinking the worst so anything that's gained is a bonus, the midwife keeps telling me it wouldn't be the end of the world if it fails and I need a c-section but known how hard it will be with my heart to recover scares me not to mention needing all the energy in the world to look after a newborn, but known I am getting closer to meeting our baby no matter what it takes even having bad days with tachycardia to hold this amazing thing I have watched grow despite everything and finally be a mummy, and of course having Dougie by my side makes it so much easier, he is my rock through all the bad times.

During the scan our little baby was seen sticking its tongue in and out and doesn't seem to have a care in the world, who knows what life holds for our baby, I know the most important lesson I will teach baby Urquhart is to live each day like its your last, live life the the full and dream as if you will live forever.

Baby Urquharts graph has started to tail off